support with BPD partner

[moo22]

Hello, I am new here but I really need some help and advice. I have been with my partner 21 years, I am now 45, we have a 13 year old daughter together. I have realised for along time that my partner has mental health problems and so has he but due to his nature he has only made half hearted attempt to get help from a proffesional with the outcome of them saying he may have Cyclothymia but not to get to bothered about labels! (I have looked into Cyclothymia and it just doesn't quite fit the nature of my partners problems) I have recently discovered  what BPD is and from what I have read particularly concerning being in a relationship with a BPD person everything now makes perfect sense, all the extremes of stress, episodes of mental torture and drama that our relationship goes through. I have probably made matters worse by taking all the abuse so personally. He is having a mental episode of some kind at the moment seemingly brought on by nicotine withdrawal. Calling me fat, evil and accusing me of turning our daughter against him, where the fact is she is just growing up and realising that something isn't quite right with Daddy. Now I realise that it is the illness saying vile things and not necessarily him, I am just keeping quiet and hoping it will blow over, rather than letting him push my buttons so I loose control of my temper, then accusing me of being mental. Anyway the crux of the matter is that I am worried that this is going to have a detrimental effect on our daughter as I am sure it all ready has, I feel I need to end the relationship for her sake but I am really scared of what will happen. Any support and advice will be gratefully received.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

Hi moo,

Welcome to the board. Many here have experienced the same things you have explained. You will find support and resources here. We cannot control what our partners do but we can control how we respond. I highly suggest that you start reading through the lessons on the right side of the page. ---------------------------> Us non-BPD partners have developed ways of coping with our pwBPD's rage, emotions, issues that may not be the best way to handle it. These lessons will help you learn how to stop making it worse.

As for whether to leave or not that is a choice you will need to determine for yourself and for the health of your daughter. There is no quick fix for your H moods and mental health issues. There are things that can be done if he is willing to get the help but even that doesn't guarantee a fix. Having more understanding about what is going on in the family dynamics may help you decide whether you think things can work out or not. All of us have been at that decision point. This particular board is for those that are trying to work things out. There is also a board for people who are unsure if they want to go or stay. Sometimes those on this board vascilate between both boards. Either way you can find people to help you work through issues.

Living with a pwBPD is often a daily battle. We see highs and make progress but then it seems as if the progress is lost. Three important things to get into your battle plan are 1. Don't JADE (Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain) when your husband begins to make accusations against you. 2. Validate. He wants to know that you care and understand what he is saying. 3. Safety and boundaries. If you are worried about physical violence you need to make a plan for you and your daughter. (See the Safety First button on the right). When verbal abuse occurs you should set a plan on how you will handle that.

[waitingwife]

Hi Moo,

Reading through the lessons would be a great start. There are some great videos and it's lot of hard work but we're all dealing with BPD partners and have made a choice to stay in the relationship due to various reasons. Please take it one day at a time and I had to read a few lessons more than once for it to really sink in and register but it is worth giving it a shot at a starting point.

I came here very lost and got a lot of help and a solid grounding... Living with a BPD SO is a big battle everyday and you will have to do a lot of damage control. My BPDH is a very good & kind person other than when he dysregulates so thats worth it for me to stick it out for my daughter and the happiness of the family we have built.

[moo22]

Thank you for your advice, I will certainly read through the lessons and get as much help as I can. I have already averted what could of become a very messy and heated argument by just understanding the dynamics of what has been controlling our relationship all these years. I do have hope that the relationship can be saved.