feeling lost & confused

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

for 10 yr now i have been in & out of my partners life. My now ex BPD partner returned last year after not speaking to me for nearly 3 year, in which time she was with another man, yet claims she didnt love him. she started ringing my phone but not speaking.

then she sent a message to test the waters i think. I stupidly went to her aid as she needed a friend.

at first i simply wanted to be her friend, but she convinced me she had been missing me so badly all these years, but didnt know how to reach out, that she had never stopped loving me and it was her who had been ringing over the years just to hear my voice but afraid to speak.

i fell for it all hook line & sinker. I agreed we could try again because i still loved her deep down & when i found out the ex was always catching her out looking me up on fb etc, so i believed what she said even more and agreed to try.

then within a short space of time, the arguments began again. As they increased she started talking about having a child together.

this scared me as she was talking NOW not later. i said i wasnt against it but wanted to work on putting us right & being committed first and then let nature take its course.

she didnt like that, more arguments etc, so i ended it and walked away. I couldnt risk bringing a child into such an unstable relationship & would not reply to her attempts to contact me.

that was in November, in that time she did not even try to fight for me, yet claimed me the love of her life only weeks earlier.

Last week I tried to reach out to see if she was ok and maybe sort things out. she ignored me.

i wrote a letter & hand delivered it to her door saying i was sorry and still loved her etc.

sent a few texts saying same, no reply. then i sent one saying i was sorry & would leave her be if she wanted me to or fight for her if she didnt say even go away. no reply so i sent a few more messages and tried to ring. she will not even acknowledge me.

then today the police arrived accusing me of harrassing her and she wants left alone.

why couldnt she have told me this herself?

what happened to i have loved you for 10 year?

i want a child with you born of love with you?

anyone else have thoughts or experience on this

[leew2110]

for 10 yr now i have been in & out of my partners life. My now ex BPD partner returned last year after not speaking to me for nearly 3 year, in which time she was with another man, yet claims she didnt love him. she started ringing my phone but not speaking.

then she sent a message to test the waters i think. I stupidly went to her aid as she needed a friend.

at first i simply wanted to be her friend, but she convinced me she had been missing me so badly all these years, but didnt know how to reach out, that she had never stopped loving me and it was her who had been ringing over the years just to hear my voice but afraid to speak.

i fell for it all hook line & sinker. I agreed we could try again because i still loved her deep down & when i found out the ex was always catching her out looking me up on fb etc, so i believed what she said even more and agreed to try.

then within a short space of time, the arguments began again. As they increased she started talking about having a child together.

this scared me as she was talking NOW not later. i said i wasnt against it but wanted to work on putting us right & being committed first and then let nature take its course.

she didnt like that, more arguments etc, so i ended it and walked away. I couldnt risk bringing a child into such an unstable relationship & would not reply to her attempts to contact me.

that was in November, in that time she did not even try to fight for me, yet claimed me the love of her life only weeks earlier.

Last week I tried to reach out to see if she was ok and maybe sort things out. she ignored me.

i wrote a letter & hand delivered it to her door saying i was sorry and still loved her etc.

sent a few texts saying same, no reply. then i sent one saying i was sorry & would leave her be if she wanted me to or fight for her if she didnt say even go away. no reply so i sent a few more messages and tried to ring. she will not even acknowledge me.

then today the police arrived accusing me of harrassing her and she wants left alone.

why couldnt she have told me this herself?

what happened to i have loved you for 10 year?

i want a child with you born of love with you?

anyone else have thoughts or experience on this

[Caley]

We all see things from different perspectives ... sometimes slightly different ... sometimes radically.

If you don't mind ... I'd like to explain how I see you interactions with this lady.

at first i simply wanted to be her friend,

I simply don't believe this is a true statement because you undermine it later with " i still loved her deep down".

... she had been missing me so badly all these years, but didnt know how to reach out, that she had never stopped loving me and it was her who had been ringing over the years just to hear my voice but afraid to speak.

i fell for it all hook line & sinker.

What makes you think that none of what she has said is true? What if ... it is true?

I get that you might have felt a little uneasy and unsure about this new situation, and the possibility of rekindling a romantic relationship. Did you communicate your feelings about this to her? Did you give her the opportunity to address your concerns? And, if you did, did you believe her? Believe me my friend ... she will know, through your emotional reactions what your state of being is ... and, if your words don't align to your emotions she'll instantly be alerted to the anomaly. These people, especially ladies, are emotional beings who understand, better than you and I, what emotions are all about. So, if she felt that your words didn't align to your emotions ... she will interpret that as you not being honest and she might not trust you or feel secure around you. It is security that they're longing and looking for ... and in desperate need of. If you're not expressing your true thoughts and feelings ... she will see that you are not being true to yourself ... and if you cant be true to yourself ... you cant be true to her.

If you look back through what you've written ... you'll see that much of what you have written about concerns your uncertainty, insecurity and trust in her.

The push/pull dynamic is not as complex as many people state and once you fully understand what's going on ... you can make subtle changes that will improve the health of your connections to people.

Feeling out of sorts with the relationship you make a move to abandon her ... which you did. Later, feeling less wobbly, you reflect and feel "Uhmm, maybe I really do want a relationship with this lady", and then you try to reconnect. But you reconnect in a way that she sees as riddled with insecurity and not stable (remember, it is security and stability she's looking for).

Last week I tried to reach out to see if she was ok and maybe sort things out. she ignored me.

i wrote a letter & hand delivered it to her door saying i was sorry and still loved her etc.

sent a few texts saying same, no reply. then i sent one saying i was sorry & would leave her be if she wanted me to or fight for her if she didnt say even go away. no reply so i sent a few more messages and tried to ring. she will not even acknowledge me.

then today the police arrived accusing me of harrassing her and she wants left alone.

In retrospect you're probably aware that it may have been more helpful if you had remained open to her return by just communicating to her ... ONCE ... that you do get things wrong sometimes, that you can appreciate that you may have said or done something that has confused her; but that your true feelings are of love for her. And, when she is ready you can both try to work things out, lovingly and with mutual respect for each others position. She called the police because she honestly felt you were harassing her, after making her feel unworthy ...

She may have, at that point felt ... regardless of her best efforts ... that you've determined that she isn't 'good enough' for you and by abandoning her served only to confirm her belief. Now ... Ouch ... she can't trust that she can rely on you to stay without making this abandoning move (which she fears, intensely). She may have brought all of this about herself, and there is plenty of room here for that type of discussion ... at the same time though , if you look at things from her perspective ... what has happened and what is the result?

She is unhappy and remembers how happy she was with you. She wants to contact you but is afraid. Eventually she plucks up the courage to reconnect. You initially give her the green light that things can work out between you and then demonstrate doubt and mistrust ... but don't communicate. She tries to pull you close about her desires for the future but you show more doubt, some fear too, and push her away again.

You're making repeated moves to abandon her ... then overly and needily make efforts to pull her back into something that you've clearly shown doubts about.

So, looking at things from this perspective ... it could be forgiven that she might appear to be 'all over the place', emotionally deregulated and terribly unstable. She is ... that's why she needs you to be 'rock solid' and to ceaselessly lead from the front.

You might take what has been said here as complete hogwash. And, you have every right to... but I hope you can find something in it that would be useful to you.

I suspect she still carries very strong feelings for you and had very high hopes for you both. And, it isn't over if you don't want it to end. You could seek some help with someone qualified in these types of relationship dynamics.

The sad part in all of this is that neither of you got what you wanted ... which, in truth, was to be together.

[leew2110]

You are so right. When she came back I simply said I would just be a friend to her but deep down I hoped we may reunite, I was simply afraid to admit that to her so soon and after she had left me so heartbroken last time.

She eventually told me she wanted us to try again & I wholeheartedly agreed.

It was only when she was in such a hurry to begin a family did I panic what could go wrong.

Then I did the worst thing anyone can do to a BPD sufferer, I asked for time alone to sort out my head as I believed it too soon to think of children when we had only just reunited.

She wouldn't allow me too so I cut contact & abandoned her, stupidly thinking she would still be there when I had made my decision...

But she has gone now & once more I feel lost without her.

Deep down I feel she still loves me, but maybe that is just wishful thinking and this time. I went too far by abandoning her when she needed me most

[leew2110]

Now it's a waiting game because while she has always came back before even tho last time took 3 year. I have never before abandoned her & cut her off this way.

So part of me thinks this time she will never return as she will have a lack of supportive memories for me.

Another part hopes she just needs a bit time just as I did.

Love was never the problem, we both know that & have talked about it many times over the years.

So now my confusion, do I let go or hope she will reach out as I cannot anymore after the police warning not to do so

[Driver]

Now it's a waiting game because while she has always came back before even tho last time took 3 year. I have never before abandoned her & cut her off this way.

So part of me thinks this time she will never return as she will have a lack of supportive memories for me.

Another part hopes she just needs a bit time just as I did.

Love was never the problem, we both know that & have talked about it many times over the years.

So now my confusion, do I let go or hope she will reach out as I cannot anymore after the police warning not to do so

When the police is involved, no matter who the pwBPD in relationship is, it's never a good sign. So I'd let her go as well as all the torture you're enduring right now.

As we all know, love is supposed to make you feel good, not to make you feel miserable and involve police. These latter mean that some boundaries have been crossed.

[leew2110]

Calling the police has become her usual routine... When she leaves she asks for you fight for her. This time I messaged her as she would not answer my calls that I would fight for her or if she wanted me to leave her alone, then all she had to do was say so!

She simply didn't reply so I fought, then as she has done 3 times before, she waits until she has enough texts etc to go to police.

Even the policeman said he recognised the pattern but had to act!

When she came back this time she asked why I stopped fighting for her, I told her she closed all doors after calling the police. She promised not to do that act again & yet it's exactly what's happened yet again

[Driver]

Calling the police has become her usual routine... When she leaves she asks for you fight for her. This time I messaged her as she would not answer my calls that I would fight for her or if she wanted me to leave her alone, then all she had to do was say so!

She simply didn't reply so I fought, then as she has done 3 times before, she waits until she has enough texts etc to go to police.

Even the policeman said he recognised the pattern but had to act!

When she came back this time she asked why I stopped fighting for her, I told her she closed all doors after calling the police. She promised not to do that act again & yet it's exactly what's happened yet again

PwBPD are struggling within themselves too. They don't do it on purpose to us. Now, it is up to you to know if you can live with that all your life or if you'd better walk away.

One part of her is telling you, please don't go, i want to be with you, I love you. And the other part of her is telling you, go away, I'll ruin your life and mine.

So, to my senses, the most important fight of all is for her to get better with or without you on the one hand, and on the other, not letting you sucked up into a neverending toxic r/s which will completely destroy you from inside out.

Once, my exBPDgf told me when she was in her lucid moment ":)on't let the person like me destroy you." It was heartbreaking to hear something like that because we both felt helpless although we both wanted to work things out.

Unfortunately it wasn't possible. I had the impression that no matter what was done it was always "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

My piece of advice to you: walk away. She must be treated in order to get better, and unfortunately without a professional help it won't work.

[steelwork]

I realize this is a maddeningly generic statement--exactly the kind that I pushed back against for as long as I was holding onto hope of a reconciliation:

Sometimes love is real, really really real, the biggest love ever, but it's not enough.

I say that to you now because your story seems like a terribly vivid example.

Note that I put my hope of a reconciliation in the past tense, because my head knows that's where it needs to be, and right now my head is winning the day. Easy for my head to win the day, since my ex has not asked for a reconciliation. But I hope if that day comes that my head can tell my heart to sit down and shut up. There really are other things to consider besides love, no matter how strong it is.

[Caley]

 Lee,

You have openly and honestly expressed your feelings to me and this forum. But it is her that needs to know. You've now proved to everyone here that you don't have to be afraid of your feelings and are very capable of sharing them. Perhaps, share them with her ... she needs to see the real you just as you need to see the real her. Intimacy = In to me, see.

When things have settled (the police situation - I take it there is no restraining order) ... tell her what you've told us ... you now recognise that you left her and let her down when she needed you most. And, you now understand how that can make someone feel ... and wouldn't like it one bit either.

You'll find a way ... not everything is BPD ... and, although this might fume many here ... it is being used as an excuse in many, many cases. If someone hasn't been professionally diagnosed with a disorder ... the question remains, regardless of how many traits they show ... that it may not be so.

Open up to her when the time is right ... if she sees your genuiness she'll give you another chance ... but tread caringly my friend ... people can be very fragile at times.

Best wishes ... please be one of those cases that comes back here and say's " I get it ... I get them ... we get each other ... .we're off skiing ... !

I hope so.

[steelwork]

You'll find a way ... not everything is BPD ... and, although this might fume many here ... it is being used as an excuse in many, many cases. If someone hasn't been professionally diagnosed with a disorder ... the question remains, regardless of how many traits they show ... that it may not be so.

Just to be clear: I said what I said irrespective of BPD. History is full of couples who loved each other deeply but for one reason or another could not make a go of it. At some point the effort to make it work erodes their happiness.

[Caley]

"Just to be clear: I said what I said irrespective of BPD. History is full of couples who loved each other deeply but for one reason or another could not make a go of it. At some point the effort to make it work erodes their happiness."



Absolutely, and that really is OK ... sometimes, no matter the amount of effort, it just doesn't work out ... and it does hurt (and rightly so ... we're people, not robots).

Blame, I guess, is part of the process until such time as blame no longer serves and caringly letting go serves everyone better.

[kentavr3]

I went first cycle with restriction order which was denied by female judge. She called police when I even wasn't home. After a court I keep begging her to come back. We lived for a year and she suddenly left. very fast found my replacement.