We all see things from different perspectives ... sometimes slightly different ... sometimes radically.
If you don't mind ... I'd like to explain how I see you interactions with this lady.
at first i simply wanted to be her friend,
I simply don't believe this is a true statement because you undermine it later with " i still loved her deep down".
... she had been missing me so badly all these years, but didnt know how to reach out, that she had never stopped loving me and it was her who had been ringing over the years just to hear my voice but afraid to speak.
i fell for it all hook line & sinker.
What makes you think that none of what she has said is true? What if ... it is true?
I get that you might have felt a little uneasy and unsure about this new situation, and the possibility of rekindling a romantic relationship. Did you communicate your feelings about this to her? Did you give her the opportunity to address your concerns? And, if you did, did you believe her? Believe me my friend ... she will know, through your emotional reactions what your state of being is ... and, if your words don't align to your emotions she'll instantly be alerted to the anomaly. These people, especially ladies, are emotional beings who understand, better than you and I, what emotions are all about. So, if she felt that your words didn't align to your emotions ... she will interpret that as you not being honest and she might not trust you or feel secure around you. It is security that they're longing and looking for ... and in desperate need of. If you're not expressing your true thoughts and feelings ... she will see that you are not being true to yourself ... and if you cant be true to yourself ... you cant be true to her.
If you look back through what you've written ... you'll see that much of what you have written about concerns your uncertainty, insecurity and trust in her.
The push/pull dynamic is not as complex as many people state and once you fully understand what's going on ... you can make subtle changes that will improve the health of your connections to people.
Feeling out of sorts with the relationship you make a move to abandon her ... which you did. Later, feeling less wobbly, you reflect and feel "Uhmm, maybe I really do want a relationship with this lady", and then you try to reconnect. But you reconnect in a way that she sees as riddled with insecurity and not stable (remember, it is security and stability she's looking for).
Last week I tried to reach out to see if she was ok and maybe sort things out. she ignored me.
i wrote a letter & hand delivered it to her door saying i was sorry and still loved her etc.
sent a few texts saying same, no reply. then i sent one saying i was sorry & would leave her be if she wanted me to or fight for her if she didnt say even go away. no reply so i sent a few more messages and tried to ring. she will not even acknowledge me.
then today the police arrived accusing me of harrassing her and she wants left alone.
In retrospect you're probably aware that it may have been more helpful if you had remained open to her return by just communicating to her ... ONCE ... that you do get things wrong sometimes, that you can appreciate that you may have said or done something that has confused her; but that your true feelings are of love for her. And, when she is ready you can both try to work things out, lovingly and with mutual respect for each others position. She called the police because she honestly felt you were harassing her, after making her feel unworthy ...
She may have, at that point felt ... regardless of her best efforts ... that you've determined that she isn't 'good enough' for you and by abandoning her served only to confirm her belief. Now ... Ouch ... she can't trust that she can rely on you to stay without making this abandoning move (which she fears, intensely). She may have brought all of this about herself, and there is plenty of room here for that type of discussion ... at the same time though , if you look at things from her perspective ... what has happened and what is the result?
She is unhappy and remembers how happy she was with you. She wants to contact you but is afraid. Eventually she plucks up the courage to reconnect. You initially give her the green light that things can work out between you and then demonstrate doubt and mistrust ... but don't communicate. She tries to pull you close about her desires for the future but you show more doubt, some fear too, and push her away again.
You're making repeated moves to abandon her ... then overly and needily make efforts to pull her back into something that you've clearly shown doubts about.
So, looking at things from this perspective ... it could be forgiven that she might appear to be 'all over the place', emotionally deregulated and terribly unstable. She is ... that's why she needs you to be 'rock solid' and to ceaselessly lead from the front.
You might take what has been said here as complete hogwash. And, you have every right to... but I hope you can find something in it that would be useful to you.
I suspect she still carries very strong feelings for you and had very high hopes for you both. And, it isn't over if you don't want it to end. You could seek some help with someone qualified in these types of relationship dynamics.
The sad part in all of this is that neither of you got what you wanted ... which, in truth, was to be together.
