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[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

I am writing this because I am at my wits end and feel trapped in my own home.  My sister is currently staying with me and my 2 year old daughter.  She has only told me of her PTSD and OCD diagnosis but I believe she also has BPD.  She came to stay with me mid 2015 and now it is almost unbearable to want to be in my own home. There are frequent arguments and she tells me almost everyday what I do wrong and how I have never supported her a day in my life.  I am concerned for my daughters well being and that I don't want her to be around the arguing.  I have tried to tell my sister this but she says the arguing is my fault and if I don't want my daughter around it then choose to be supportive and there would be no problem. I have no idea what will set her off one moment and then in tears the very next.  She claims I am responsible for her deteriorated physical and mental health (says she has a physical condition but wont tell me what it is) and that I am "killing her" with my mental and emotional abuse towards her?  I have asked her to leave my home for her own well being but she refuses and says she has no where to go. We do have family that live in town but she refuses to talk or interact with them with the exception of my mother, whom she treats very poorly despite relying on her for financial support (my sister hasn't worked in  at least ten years). What used to be being able doing simple chores around the house is now asking her for permission to do them since she has made it clear that her rest is more important. Sorry I know I am rambling but I just don't know what do to do anymore.  I am tired of leaving my own home to go stay in hotels because I need a break.  Thanks for listening.

[DesertSun77]

Hello,

I am writing this because I am at my wits end and feel trapped in my own home.  My sister is currently staying with me and my 2 year old daughter.  She has only told me of her PTSD and OCD diagnosis but I believe she also has BPD.  She came to stay with me mid 2015 and now it is almost unbearable to want to be in my own home. There are frequent arguments and she tells me almost everyday what I do wrong and how I have never supported her a day in my life.  I am concerned for my daughters well being and that I don't want her to be around the arguing.  I have tried to tell my sister this but she says the arguing is my fault and if I don't want my daughter around it then choose to be supportive and there would be no problem. I have no idea what will set her off one moment and then in tears the very next.  She claims I am responsible for her deteriorated physical and mental health (says she has a physical condition but wont tell me what it is) and that I am "killing her" with my mental and emotional abuse towards her?  I have asked her to leave my home for her own well being but she refuses and says she has no where to go. We do have family that live in town but she refuses to talk or interact with them with the exception of my mother, whom she treats very poorly despite relying on her for financial support (my sister hasn't worked in  at least ten years). What used to be being able doing simple chores around the house is now asking her for permission to do them since she has made it clear that her rest is more important. Sorry I know I am rambling but I just don't know what do to do anymore.  I am tired of leaving my own home to go stay in hotels because I need a break.  Thanks for listening.

[Woolspinner2000]

DesertSun77, Welcome to our family!   

I'm so sorry for the intense home situation that has led you here, but I am very glad you found us. There are many here who will be able to relate to you and help encourage you.

How did you first learn about BPD and come to suspect that your sister may have this? I think it is especially important that you are looking for support that will help you and your little one. You are both worth protecting and being cared for. Have you looked into any T for yourself beyond this site?

There are frequent arguments and she tells me almost everyday what I do wrong and how I have never supported her a day in my life.

Someone with BPD tends to be masterful at sharing FOG. Please know that you have done nothing to cause her unkind words. They are hurtful and painful. I can well remember the hurtful words my uBPDm freely shared with my siblings and I even now that I've become an adult. There are some good links to read under "Lessons" on the right side ---> which might be quite helpful to you.

  You might be in need of one or two of these today.

Wools

[HappyChappy]

I’m so sorry to hear about the anguish your sister is giving you. The constant criticism and putting down isn’t a PTSD thing, or an OCD thing, so   BPD would explain that. It would also explain why you sister seems to be using F.O.G. (Fear Obligation and Guilt) very effectively with you. Some one with BPD is unlikely to change, so you either have to learn techniques to better manage her (available on this site), or ensure she leaves your house. We had a similar issue with my NPD bro so I know how unfair it must all feal. But assuming your sister has demonstrated she doesn't change, which of these two do you chose ? And what is stopping you from making it happen ? I know it's hard to articulate these things, but we're very family with these tribulations on this website, so feel free to speak your mind.  

[sad-mom]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.  It sounds as if you are doing all you can to help your sister by providing her with a home and she is not acting very grateful.  It sounds to me like your sister is hurting and is misplacing her anger towards you. She probably does not feel very good about herself and her situation.  Also, if she needs as much rest as she says, she probably is also depressed.  However, these are not burdens you should have to deal with.  It is hard to stop enabling the people we love but sometimes by providing them with everything, we are not really helping.  Things will not improve unless you make some changes.  If your sister is an adult, I suggest it is time she move out.  I know it is easier said than done.  I asked my ex husband to move out and he refused many times.  Eventually, the only way I could get him out was to call the police.  My ex husband never did change.  He was an alcoholic and was diagnosed with BPD.  However, I did not stop loving him.  I just realized I could not save him and needed to save myself.  You can comfort yourself knowing that you tried your best.

[DesertSun77]

Woolspinner 2000

I first learned that my sister had a possible diagnosis when my mother and I visited with one of my sisters former therapists about 2 years ago. It was so surprising that she finally gave us permission to talk to someone she had been working with we were eager to jump in.  But when we went to see this therapist it turns out my sister never signed a release of information so the therapist couldn't give us any information about a diagnosis but merely suggested it could be multiple personality disorder.  I myself have been to two or three different counselors but between a busy work schedule, being a single parent and not feeling like I was getting anything from it I stopped going.  I know should try to find another one.  Thank you for the encouragment... .everything helps.

HappyChappy-

I agree it is unlikely that she will change but I am having trouble even contemplating the thought of trying to "manage" her especially while she is living with me. I am so fed up but fear the outbursts.  What keeps me from taking measures to get her out of my house is the huge amount of guilt that I feel that I really am a horrible sister and why cant I just be kind like she tells me.  When she disappears for days and I fear the worst I start thinking how horrible of a person I am and why is it so hard for me to "be kind" to my sister.  But then I think of my daughter and the long term effects it will have on her... and when I try to voice that to my sister she tells me "quit using her as an excuse" and to stop hiding behind her.  Its a terrible cycle. Thank you as well for the encouragement.

sad-mom

Yes I also feel that she is constantly misplacing her anger towards me but I find it so interesting that she says that that is what I do to her daily and that she cant take it anymore.  But then why does she physically prevent me from leaving when I've had enough?  Why does she still insist on living with me and my daughter in my little house?   I also have said to myself the only way to get her to leave is to call the police and change my locks,but I don't do it because of the guilt I feel and tell myself that everything my sister says about me must be true.  I have gone as far as to buy new locks but I just cant bring myself to calling the police.  Its a continuous mental conflict that goes on in my mind.