What can I do to help

[placebicstar]

My partner w/ BPD has it in their mind that nobody cares and nobody acts like they care. While I try to validate the feelings and see things from their point of view they're convinced nobody cares. A lot of it comes from me viewing interactions they have with others and seeing where the feelings come from (like a friend of ours would give them the cold shoulder, or ignore them when they say they have a bad day, or ignore both of us when we want to do things with our friends) and I can see a lot of what makes them have episodes (as we call them?)

We've both been working on their triggers and I try to view and identify them where I can. I think we've made baby steps of progress.

Recently something happened and it convinced them to isolate themselves from everyone, telling me to go away and not talking to me for a few days. I understood to give them space, as they are their own person, but I am concerned about their well-being. But there's also not a lot I can do as we are a long-distance couple.

Is there any way at all I can help them further?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Recently something happened and it convinced them to isolate themselves from everyone, telling me to go away and not talking to me for a few days. I understood to give them space, as they are their own person, but I am concerned about their well-being. But there's also not a lot I can do as we are a long-distance couple.

Is there any way at all I can help them further?

Hi placebicstar,

Would you like to tell us more about what happened that made your SO want to isolate?  Crisis at work?  Something between the two of you?    A problem with family or friends?

If you are concerned about their well being you might want to leave the lines of communication open in a low key and no pressure kind of way.    Maybe something like 'I understand you need some time to yourself, still I hope to hear from by Tuesday (or whatever day).

Helping can be as simple as being a non judgmental, receptive audience, willing to listen.

'ducks

[placebicstar]

They had been posting about being upset with something somebody told them, then they felt ignored by one of my friends and immediately just ran off for about 2 days. I was able to contact them the other night but they were reluctant to talk so I didn't force them to talk with me. But it was something that set them off enough to isolate for a while.

As it is my friends are worried about them and our relationship.

[babyducks]

hi placebicstar,

people who have this disorder have harmfully intense emotions that swing rapidly.   they have difficulty regulating their emotions.   and they tend to believe that the emotion of the moment is completely true and will last forever.  something that would annoy you and I makes them very angry, something that would upset you and I devastates them.  there are a lot of very complex reasons for why they are that way, they experts still aren't completely sure.  it is an illness.

on the right hand side of the screen is always a set of links to our tools and skills.  The Lessons are the place to start for some one who has a relationship with a pwBPD.   Have you taken a look at that information yet?    What do you think?    What in there rings a bell for you?

'ducks

[Jungle_jake]

Placebicstar, I can completely relate to your situation.  It is both confusing and frustrating.  My BPDgf is also convinced no one cares even though myself and others are available to at least listen.  To me, it feels like if I don't say or do something that relieves her emotional pain, then she assumes I just don't care or take her seriously.  I feel like her expectations are unrealistic sometimes.  I try to validate as that is probably the best option.  The problem is I'm still learning how to do that effectively without it sounding forced or scripted.  She will call me out on that every time.

[an0ught]

Hi placebicstar,

My partner w/ BPD has it in their mind that nobody cares and nobody acts like they care. While I try to validate the feelings and see things from their point of view they're convinced nobody cares. A lot of it comes from me viewing interactions they have with others and seeing where the feelings come from (like a friend of ours would give them the cold shoulder, or ignore them when they say they have a bad day, or ignore both of us when we want to do things with our friends) and I can see a lot of what makes them have episodes (as we call them?)

we all are being disappointed all the time to a degree. Life sucks to a degree (and it is great too but one who is depressed does not want to be reminded). You can't fix this. You can't make it better. Your partner can't fix it. Some of it just is the way it is and needs to be dealt with. Validation of your partners emotions is the one thing you can do. The other is to avoid owning the "problem" and letting your partner deal with the hard realities of life.

We've both been working on their triggers and I try to view and identify them where I can. I think we've made baby steps of progress.

Allowing your partner to grow beyond them. It takes many baby steps to grow up from a teenager entitlement stance.

Recently something happened and it convinced them to isolate themselves from everyone, telling me to go away and not talking to me for a few days. I understood to give them space, as they are their own person, but I am concerned about their well-being. But there's also not a lot I can do as we are a long-distance couple.

Finding a way to ask and give space without triggering abandonment on either side is a valuable achievement.

Is there any way at all I can help them further?

Help yourself! Let your partner struggle as long as your partner does not fall badly. The stronger you are the better position you are to help at times it truly matters.