psychology of the push pull

[kc sunshine]

I got a call yesterday from my BPD ex who left a message saying that she wanted to talk. She called again soon after but didn't leave another message. This is as close to  her be open to us engaging on that level since the breakup in December. I didn't react immediately, but sent a text a couple of hours later asking if everything was okay. She texted back a little later saying "it's okay" (i.e. don't worry about it/she doesn't want to talk anymore).

I'm okay with this interaction I think. I'm a little regretful that I didn't immediately call her back and get together to talk, but on the other hand: 1) if whatever was happening was so unstable that a few hours later she wouldn't want to talk anymore  2) if my response had to be perfect (e.g. an immediate call back or else the punishment of the withdrawal/push) I think it might be better in the "long run" (one in which we are together or us not), that I didn't.

On the third hand (if only we had three!) was I testing her? Were we both testing each other? If so, ugh.

But in general I have a question about pull/push: is it about her separation/individuation from me after mirroring? And as such, kind of inevitable? And less about me and more about her safe detachment?

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[Narkiss]

I think it's inevitable. You get too close and they either a) fear you're going to leave or b) fear you're getting too close and will want too much from them and start controlling them. So they push you away (to regain control). And then they actually don't to lose you (or they don't want you to be the one to walk way), so they pull you back in. An example my person with BPD (not sure if he's an ex. I think so) does not live in the same city. Everytime one of us would leave it became a very subtle struggle for control. Either I had to get back home (and he felt terrible and anxious that I was leaving -- sometimes I think he took it personally). Or he would decide when I was going and "kick me out." Which was very hurtful.

Also, you can't worry about the "perfect" response. It's impossible to know what the perfect response is and even if you did, you will be denying your feelings and playing a part. I did that for such a long time and kind of lost myself.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks Narkiss-- this is helpful!

And I know that there is no perfect response, but from this board (the saving board) it does seem like there are some better and some worse responses (and some non-intuitive responses) in terms of learning how to understand BPD and not do things that wreck the relationship. For example, right now I worry that by not responding right away, I triggered her abandonment stuff (something I wouldn't really have to worry so much about in a non-BPD relationship).

I think it's inevitable. You get too close and they either a) fear you're going to leave or b) fear you're getting too close and will want too much from them and start controlling them. So they push you away (to regain control). And then they actually don't to lose you (or they don't want you to be the one to walk way), so they pull you back in. An example my person with BPD (not sure if he's an ex. I think so) does not live in the same city. Everytime one of us would leave it became a very subtle struggle for control. Either I had to get back home (and he felt terrible and anxious that I was leaving -- sometimes I think he took it personally). Or he would decide when I was going and "kick me out." Which was very hurtful.

Also, you can't worry about the "perfect" response. It's impossible to know what the perfect response is and even if you did, you will be denying your feelings and playing a part. I did that for such a long time and kind of lost myself.

[Narkiss]

You have no idea. (I struggle with this also. If only I more validating last time I saw my pwBPD or acted happier although I was pretty upset or... .In the past I even worried that I should have worded a text slightly differently so it would be better written... ). You could have equally triggered her fear of engulfment. Or her contempt. Or some other feeling. Likewise, she felt in the moment like texting you. An hour later, her feelings changed. If you answered her back immediately, it's possible that she would not have responded and you would have felt awful.

[JQ]

Hello KC,

Ahhh the push/pull behavior ... .it doesn't make sense or seem logical when you think about it does it? Well we know from past behavior from our respective BPD r/s that nothing has and nothing will be logical or make sense with their behavior.  My exBPDgf would conduct the same "sniping" of text or phone calls. And like you for any number of reasons I didn't return her call or text from a few minutes to a few hours later.

And like you, she would text me back the very same thing, "it's okay", "never mind" ... .this behavior would drive me crazy. In addition to actually taking 15 plus minute to write a simple text wondering if this would or wouldn't trigger her before I sent it would be mentally & physically draining.

To NarKiss credit, don't try to figure out what will or won't trigger her behavior one way or the other. This is NO way to live YOUR life. You have to remember that our respectful BPD relationships are with someone who is mentally ill, "Cluster B".  When they "snipe" you with a text or a call, it's for any one of several reasons or a combination of any of them ... .point is you have no idea what it might be. It could be that they feel they might have "lost" you for good "abandonment fear" and if you respond to a "Sniping text / call" they know you're still around and or available in some manner for them. This does something for them ... .then if they start paint their other r/s black ... .they will attempt to start to paint you white with that "sniping text / call" and pull you back into the r/s on their time and place of their choosing.

DO NOT feel any regret for calling or not calling ... .again this serves no productive purpose when you're in a relationship with a BPD. I would encourage you to read the references at the top of this page and the side of the page as well. I would also encourage you to reach out and find a good therapist to help you sort through your thoughts, feelings & emotions ... .I really think this will help you walk the journey that you're on and will in the end educate you more then anything else ... .IMHO. 

Take a deep breath ... .get out for that walk & enjoy the sun on your face. Get out of the house with a friend ... .or call someone you haven't talked to in awhile for whatever reason & catch up with them. The plan is to take a deep breath ... .step away from the situation and stop thinking about it constantly ... .then when you have a fresh mind, body & spirit take a different look at things as they are and go from there.

JQ