Please help me stay away

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I can’t move on properly if I keep feeling this way. One minute I’m angry with him (easy as he insults me a lot), another time I feel sorry for him and yet another time I wonder if there’s still a chance it could work.

He’s on a mission to meet up with me. Has tried to manipulate me into meeting him by deactivating my PC Office. He says he needs access to my PC to reactivate it, but he doesn’t. Because I refuse he’s insulted and devalued me. I am angry because of the insults, but aware that he is just trying to get his needs met in an unhealthy way. I’m holding on for dear life to my resolve to keep well away. I keep reminding myself ‘ I AM NOT SAFE WITH THIS MAN’. 

But he's still trying. Just now. He's ignored all recent insults, no apology. Wants to be amicable, meet up to reactivate my subscription and to talk about our differing view of our relationship. He wants to understand. I've already told him that I'm happy to discuss via email/phone.

What does he want? I don’t think it’s closure. I think he might want to recycle or else be cruel. I’ve been here before so many times. I’m feeling my resolve get weaker. His insistence is rekindling my hope that this could work, but it never does. On again/off again, push/pull and my life is in ruins.

I’m trying to take responsibility. With therapy I’m starting to see where I went wrong, see where I was vulnerable to him. I’m still vulnerable and that makes me scared. I’m all alone, no job, no career left, no money. I have two sons that I’ve let down. I have to try to get back up and change that. This won’t happen if I go back, but I'm all alone. Please help me stay away.

[Larmoyant]

I can’t move on properly if I keep feeling this way. One minute I’m angry with him (easy as he insults me a lot), another time I feel sorry for him and yet another time I wonder if there’s still a chance it could work.

He’s on a mission to meet up with me. Has tried to manipulate me into meeting him by deactivating my PC Office. He says he needs access to my PC to reactivate it, but he doesn’t. Because I refuse he’s insulted and devalued me. I am angry because of the insults, but aware that he is just trying to get his needs met in an unhealthy way. I’m holding on for dear life to my resolve to keep well away. I keep reminding myself ‘ I AM NOT SAFE WITH THIS MAN’. 

But he's still trying. Just now. He's ignored all recent insults, no apology. Wants to be amicable, meet up to reactivate my subscription and to talk about our differing view of our relationship. He wants to understand. I've already told him that I'm happy to discuss via email/phone.

What does he want? I don’t think it’s closure. I think he might want to recycle or else be cruel. I’ve been here before so many times. I’m feeling my resolve get weaker. His insistence is rekindling my hope that this could work, but it never does. On again/off again, push/pull and my life is in ruins.

I’m trying to take responsibility. With therapy I’m starting to see where I went wrong, see where I was vulnerable to him. I’m still vulnerable and that makes me scared. I’m all alone, no job, no career left, no money. I have two sons that I’ve let down. I have to try to get back up and change that. This won’t happen if I go back, but I'm all alone. Please help me stay away.

[Turkish]

He's trying to assert control. Your boundaries are solid, but there are still the emotional issues which keep you attached.

What are your core values here, and is he a good match for them?

[letmeout]

He’s on a mission to meet up with me. Has tried to manipulate me into meeting him by deactivating my PC Office. He says he needs access to my PC to reactivate it, but he doesn’t. Because I refuse he’s insulted and devalued me. I am angry because of the insults, but aware that he is just trying to get his needs met in an unhealthy way. I’m holding on for dear life to my resolve to keep well away. I keep reminding myself ‘ I AM NOT SAFE WITH THIS MAN’. 

What does he want? I don’t think it’s closure. I think he might want to recycle or else be cruel. I’ve been here before so many times. I’m feeling my resolve get weaker. His insistence is rekindling my hope that this could work, but it never does. On again/off again, push/pull and my life is in ruins.

Please help me stay away.

Re-read what you wrote again and again. That will strengthen your resolve to stay away.  You will feel vulnerable to your ex for a long time, but thankfully that wears off the longer you maintain no contact.

Also, negative thinking only perpetuates negative thinking, which makes it so much harder to move forward (its all fear based) so start adding positive affirmations in your daily talk and thoughts.

[joel6242]

I was in your situation 4 months ago but I stayed no contact and things have gotten much better. I also did not feel safe and went to domestic violence court to get a restraining order. Typically you will get a 6 month to 1 year order but in my case it is permanent. I carry the restraining order with me at all times and have had problems with him driving by my house and getting into my mail. I have also started to get strange phone calls, one was from his friend in the last week. There was a pattern with my BPD of about three months. I do believe that the order has kept him away for the most part and I do not react to his taunts. Again, I am staying no contact unless I feel imminent danger. I also have not posted anything on social media and basically making myself invisable.

I can not give advice but only my experience. My BPD could be very scary and had to go underground. I was able to find a job in December and have gotten my life together the best I can right now. It is a long process for me to get this situation out of my life. I still love him very much but he had almost destroyed my life. He can not be in my life until he gets help which is not probable.

[FannyB]

So sorry that you're going through this. He is indeed cruel, manipulative and vindictive - a veritable charmer!   You have 2 boys who are much more worthy of your time and attention than this piece of undeserving pondlife - so put everything you have into them and block him from all forms of contact. You know the drill! He's like a cat playing with a nearly dead mouse - there's nothing benevolent in him wanting to meet up, he's angry and wants to punish you for what he perceives you did to him. 

You deserve so much better my lovely - time to put YOU first!


Fanny

[SlyQQ]

I an afraid a harsh response is what is required an no offense .


1 You need to respect youself an stop putting up with crap ( you desreve  better )

2 He will only pull you down.

3 This is a battle for YOUR LIFE ( you only get one ) Don't lose it.

I hope this helps.

[Driver]

There are as many futures as paths that you build for yourself. There is a path that is familiar to you and you know very well where you risk to end up if you do not detach from your exBPD. And there are so many other paths that are possible to build on the condition that you detach yourself from your exBPD. You don't need to walk all those possible paths, but thanks to the lessons of your past, pick up the path that will lead you to a happier future. In order to do that, be honest to yourself and do not let others affect your happiness. Do not let others drain life energy from you. Do not let them pull you down. Love is about supporting EACH OTHER and BOTH WAYS.

The one who isn't happy will never be happy as long as he/she doesn't start seeking happiness from within himself/herself. You can't make anyone happy if they decide that nothing can make them happy and lure you to believe that you are the one for them. Yes, you are the one for them, maybe, but they are not the one for you as long as they pull you down and bring you each time to your knees.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I'm sorry that you are hurting and worrying about contact with your ex. It's really hard to be strong when one feels shaky and vulnerable. I've definitely been there.  Try to be compassionate toward yourself. Feeling "weak" is part of the process of recovery and you are not alone in that at all.

The situation between you and the pwBPD won't change unless you change. Don't leave it to him, because it is not likely to happen. Remember that if your ex has BPD, he has a serious condition that requires him to use coping strategies that can end up causing you lots of pain. Without long term and intense therapy, these strategies will remain in place and the dance will continue as it has always done.

You've been through this many times and you know how it will turn out. A turning point for me in my relationship with pwBPD is when I lost hope. It sounds negative, but it was the best thing that could have happened, because I wasn't a "believer" anymore. A believer in the fantasy that we built together and a believer in the very wonderful words he was saying. That allowed me to keep my focus on me during the breakup.

Can you think of something you can do for yourself that will help you feel stronger and more centered during this time?

We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

Thank you all so much. I was feeling so weak and so stressed, but I got through the day without giving in. It’s as if I’m on survival mode these days one day at a time. He sent several more texts, so I turned off my phone and didn’t read them until this morning. He started out nasty, but then said he doesn’t want to fall out, still wants to meet for 5 minutes so he can reactivate my subscription, wants to know why I finished with him which I’ve already explained, and then tried to explain away his abusive comments, but didn’t apologise. He never apologises .Just thinks he can go around hurting people anyway he likes as if what he says and does is perfectly ok. That I should just dismiss what he does and get on with it. Not anymore. He now wants ‘us’ to stop all the nastiness and thinks it’s about time we both matured. I’m going to carry on taking my small steps forwards, hopefully I’ll be able to run soon. I'm hoping that one of these days I can start to live again, not just survive. I'm also very sorry that I can't help others yet. I'm distraught right now and it's difficult sorting out my life, but I promise to pay it forward when my life gets better. Thank you all so much again. The kindness of strangers makes me cry.

[kc sunshine]

Sending love dear Larmoyant. We're with you. Every time you need support, we'll be with you. You are not alone. We are all going through this together, hand in hand, heart to heart.

The illness is such a confusing one, and sometimes so hard to believe. But love certainly shouldn't be this destructive-- it is the illness that makes it so. We've got to let go.

[tryingsome]

Personally, I think sometimes it is best to put your foot down.

This is under the assumption you are done, through, and have no intention of going back... .

Just go and say it in txt or email.

Say you are an a*h*le.

Say why would I want to talk or be with one.

Then go on and start quoting every nasty email/txt he has been sending you for the last few days.

(but only do this if you are not worried about physical violence... .)

Then go NC. He'll either stop harassing you or apologize... .

This will also make you stronger, feel like you are in control of your life again.

These people are bullies. Sometimes you have to show them how they are bullies.

No one deserves treatment like this.

My T said sometimes the best good you can do is to tell bad people they are bad.

My T said we assume that by being good we give everyone the benefit of the doubt; the olive branch.

Sometimes they don't deserve it. And that can be good for you (though it may feel against your core values).

[letmeout]

I remember my T gave the advice to never give them any hope that you might possibly relent to their pressure. If they perceive even the slimmest chance that they might get to you again, it just makes them keep trying.

My old abuse counselor suggested that I join a church. She said that a woman's church family will help you through anything, and the one I joined did just that!

I felt so afraid and alone at first, but everything worked out fine with the help of all the friends I met through my church. You have to learn to ask for help.

[C.Stein]

still wants to meet for 5 minutes so he can reactivate my subscription

There are free alternatives to MSOffice.  This is the most developed of them all. 

https://www.libreoffice.org/

Long live open source.