Introduction and needing support... am I making this all up?

[apepper21]

Hi everyone,

I have been in a romantic relationship with someone who I believe has BPD, not diagnosed. I also work with this person, in a very very small company. He has broken it off and threatened to break it off MANY MANY times, usually seemingly out of the blue. I decided this last time was the LAST time. This was two weeks ago, and I have for the first time, said no I'm not going to try again, and had to keep saying this many times over the two weeks.

I keep questioning if he in fact has BPD, even though I KNOW he has the traits I keep reading and I have the feelings and behaviors that someone in a relationship with BPD has. I think I keep questioning it because I see him at work with other people and they all see him as "normal" so I wonder what is wrong with me. Yet I know he is very different with me.

He keeps blaming ME for giving up and I start to feel guilty, yet everytime I go back nothing is better and it's usually worse.

On top of all this, he is separated, for over a year and a half and he hasn't done much at all in moving forward in divorce, even though it seems like he is done with that relationship, he has kids and keeps saying he can't upset his wife b/c he doesn't want to upset his kids, he keeps saying it's b/c of his girls (who are 17 and 10).

I am on this site because I'm looking for support. What do people do when they are really pretty sure their partner or ex has BPD but you continue to question if you are right? Anyone who knows my situation believes I am right, I just keep needing constant reassurance.

AND has anyone been broken up with and said no to going back, and had to continue to work with this person?

[apollotech]

I think I keep questioning it because I see him at work with other people and they all see him as "normal" so I wonder what is wrong with me. Yet I know he is very different with me.

He keeps blaming ME for giving up and I start to feel guilty, yet everytime I go back nothing is better and it's usually worse.

Hi apepper21,

Welcome to the boards; although, I am sorry that you've found yourself in a relationship that places you here seeking answers. Understanding/detaching from/continuing a BPD relationship is challenging. Many people on these boards have been through your  questioning phase and had your dilemmas. I encourage you to continue reading of other's experiences. Also, the site has many excellent esources, other than the membership, such as, the detachment lesson to the right >> .

I cannot speak to the fact that your exSO does or doesn't have BPD. However, what I am about to say now is written under the assumption that he indeed is aficted with BPD. BPD is an attachment disorder; as a result, the state of said attachment that he has with you at an given time will govern many of his actions/behaviors (This also includes how he perceives the attachment, which may not necessarily reflect the reality of the situation.).

You asked specifically why he is different with others than he is with you. The difference is that he has an emotional/intimate attachment with you. Essentially, because of this attachment, you can trigger him (This triggering can occur without your direct involvement.). A pwBPD has a difficult time regulating their emotions, and when they become emotionally dysregulated, they will often use very maladapted coping mechanisms in attempting to regain themselves (raging, love bombing, silent treatment, self-mutilation, etc.). Without the emotional attachment involved, others (co-workers in your example) simply cannot dysregulate him, thereby prompting his maladapted coping mechanisms into use. So, as you said and you're correct, to them he appears quite normal. They, unlike you because of the attachment he has with you, will likely never see his disordered side.

Blaming the Non (person without a mental disorder) for the relationship's failure is also a common trait of a pwBPD. Have you noticed him accepting responsibility for other issues, such as his behaviors/actions? If he does accept responsibility, does he make changes to assure that said unsatisfactory behaviors/actions won't occur again? This is a "self" issue, or lack thereof in the case of a pwBPD, which I emplore you to read about on your own.

The recycling of the relationship (breaking up/making up) is also quite common in a BPD relationship. Also, as you have noted, each successive recycle sees no change, and in fact, the "new" relationship is actually worse that the previous "new" relationship, that too is common of a BPD relationship. This is not something that is your responsibility (and in large part, not something that he is directly responsible for).

A lot of what you have experienced is a product of his BPD. Stop blaming yourself. You didn't cause his mental disorder, and you cannot fix it. You are, however, responsible for yourself and your actions, so take care of yourself in all of this.

Again, welcome to the boards. Continue to read and post. Learn as much as you can about the disorder. There are a lot of good people here who've walked in your shoes.

[apepper21]

Thank you apollotech!

I have been reading and so I do know what you are saying, it is really good to "hear" it from someone personally though. I guess I've been questioning the whole thing because he isn't diagnosed, but my understanding is that pwBPD often aren't diagnosed.

Thank you for reminding me it's not about ME, that's what I keep telling myself, that his behavior/emotions aren't about ME, rather due to his history.

And while it's ultimately not his "fault" he behaves these ways, it doesn't make it my job to fix. Sometimes I get caught up in feeling bad for him, that he DIDN'T ask or chose to be this way and so I feel I need to stay and help. However, I can't fix him and it IS his responsibility to fix it himself.

Yes, he often takes responsibility for actions/behaviors but I'd say NEVER does anything to change those and often they only become a "weapon" to use against me!

thanks, it's great to be here!