Hang in there

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven’t been here for a while, and reading the boards this morning, lots of memories of when I felt like many of you do. My heart goes out to you, I remember trying to get out of bed, seemed like doing the iron cross. And I remember everything I read here- the stages of grief and detachment, unpacking our own role and dysfunction in the relationship, letting go, healthy relationship dynamics, etc. In the aftermath of my relationship with a pwBPD, which I can only describe as a living hell, I could understand those concepts intellectually, but it took some time to internalize and accept them. And some more time to practice them, and in so doing, my brain re-wired itself to some degree, the good things that flowed from changes I made, that made it much easier. WANTING to think/behave/feel, in an emotionally healthy way, not as a matter of discipline or practice, but because it made me feel good. And produced good results. Reconditioning. Hit the lessons hard and learn all you can.

My message of encouragement for you right now, is that it *does* get better, much better, and you have an opportunity to come out of this stronger, happier, and more whole and authentic than you’ve ever been in your life, if you do your part. When I was where you are now, and believe me, I know how it is and I’m sorry you’re going through this, advice like “practice self-care and self love”, and “it does get better”, that was little consolation. How? And when? I drew a map and timeline, and tried to recognize that there would be a phase during which I would be incapable of progress, confused, and just needed to get through it and not to expect much of myself, or get frustrated. In abject misery, it’s hard to keep things in context, but looking back now, I’m very glad I did that and allowed myself time to simply feel and process my emotions.

I don’t buy the “everything happens for a cosmic reason” stuff, but, this experience for me, having my false self and ego absolutely shattered, and getting a clear look at myself, wow. For me, connecting my behavior, emotions, thoughts, bonding/attachment styles, etc. to my family-of-origin and own childhood, that was a revelation. Like my BPD counterparty, I was reenacting a core wound and the same dysfunction over and over, which to me seemed “normal.” It was my internalized reality. For me, some codep issues, some fixing; a byproduct of my ego and wanting to “solve the problem”- to my mind now, I was every bit as dysfunctional as my counterparty. The only difference being that my dysfunctional behavior aligned with what we as a society consider “good” and “right.” In retrospect, much of what I considered to be giving and kind behavior on my part was give-to-get, manipulative behavior. Mr. nice guy isn’t actually so nice, especially when he doesn’t get what he wants, in fact he’s kind of needy. I don’t say this to victim-blame, or to say you’re at fault for being run over by a bus, it's not your fault, pwBPD do spectacular damage. And it took me time to get to this point but I encourage you, when you’re capable, to unpack your role. It helps, you will grow, and it makes it easier to detach with kindness instead of anger or being a victim. Which is much better for you.

Everything here in the lessons and workshops, the Karpmann triangle, using executive cognitive function to control our emotions, and, recognizing that our cognition can be flawed too- garbage thoughts, ruminations, it’s been AMAZINGLY helpful beyond the scope of recovery and my experience in a BPD relationship. I am less reactive, internally and externally. For a while, after NC, I realized I was doing a Karpmann triangle all on my own- persecuting myself, torturing myself with my own thoughts- reenacting an old pattern, even after what I thought was the “negative stimuli” had been removed. The problem was me.

Now, I invalidate others less than I did, I try to accept rather than try to control others or get results I want from them, I walk- rather than swan driving into the drama, I talk back to my inner dialogue. The less enmeshed model of healthy relationship detailed on this site- a year ago, it seemed cold and detached, foreign to me. Now it does not, and warmth, affection, intimacy, all those things are still possible. And better. I was concerned about not being able to trust, being emotionally unavailable, being able to set and enforce boundaries (perhaps the most important thing), or reverting to old habits, recognizing red flags and when to remove myself, and feel 100% okay about doing so. Personally, I have found that what seemed formulaic and chilly has allowed me be much more kind. Codependent behaviors- caring, being supportive- they are attributes, and do not have be removed or eliminated as long as they are underwritten by “love of” instead of “need for”, and as long as you keep your happiness and well being flowing from YOU, and don’t expect anybody else to deliver that.

For me, NC was necessary, and the only thing that worked. I was a furious, heartbroken, dissonance-ridden mess, I know how it is. But my one piece of advice: For now- control your behavior at all costs. Don’t hit back, don’t re-engage, it’s a tar baby and there cannot be a positive result. And you are the only adult in the room- this is on you, it sucks, but that’s how it is. Be the kind person that you are, defiantly, and keep your self-respect and integrity, you’ll be glad later that you did, and your mind and emotions will catch up with your behavior. And when they do, you won’t feel like a victim, or villainize the other- both forms of attachment, and life force-sapping distractions.

Sorry for the wall of text- extra coffee this morning. And I am having an awesome morning, about a year out, in large part due to this site and the people who post here. I’m posting because I hope this helps somebody a little. I felt like things would NEVER get better, and banged away at recovering with little success for quite some time. It took me about a year, and the process is ongoing, but life is so much better. What happened isn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve it, but if you dig in, do the work, and trust the process and are willing to look at yourself, not only will you recover, you’ll flourish, and can keep the good parts of yourself in “you 2.0”. So hang in there. And the prize on the other side- it does exist, and it’s even better than you think.

[Walt]

I haven’t been here for a while, and reading the boards this morning, lots of memories of when I felt like many of you do. My heart goes out to you, I remember trying to get out of bed, seemed like doing the iron cross. And I remember everything I read here- the stages of grief and detachment, unpacking our own role and dysfunction in the relationship, letting go, healthy relationship dynamics, etc. In the aftermath of my relationship with a pwBPD, which I can only describe as a living hell, I could understand those concepts intellectually, but it took some time to internalize and accept them. And some more time to practice them, and in so doing, my brain re-wired itself to some degree, the good things that flowed from changes I made, that made it much easier. WANTING to think/behave/feel, in an emotionally healthy way, not as a matter of discipline or practice, but because it made me feel good. And produced good results. Reconditioning. Hit the lessons hard and learn all you can.

My message of encouragement for you right now, is that it *does* get better, much better, and you have an opportunity to come out of this stronger, happier, and more whole and authentic than you’ve ever been in your life, if you do your part. When I was where you are now, and believe me, I know how it is and I’m sorry you’re going through this, advice like “practice self-care and self love”, and “it does get better”, that was little consolation. How? And when? I drew a map and timeline, and tried to recognize that there would be a phase during which I would be incapable of progress, confused, and just needed to get through it and not to expect much of myself, or get frustrated. In abject misery, it’s hard to keep things in context, but looking back now, I’m very glad I did that and allowed myself time to simply feel and process my emotions.

I don’t buy the “everything happens for a cosmic reason” stuff, but, this experience for me, having my false self and ego absolutely shattered, and getting a clear look at myself, wow. For me, connecting my behavior, emotions, thoughts, bonding/attachment styles, etc. to my family-of-origin and own childhood, that was a revelation. Like my BPD counterparty, I was reenacting a core wound and the same dysfunction over and over, which to me seemed “normal.” It was my internalized reality. For me, some codep issues, some fixing; a byproduct of my ego and wanting to “solve the problem”- to my mind now, I was every bit as dysfunctional as my counterparty. The only difference being that my dysfunctional behavior aligned with what we as a society consider “good” and “right.” In retrospect, much of what I considered to be giving and kind behavior on my part was give-to-get, manipulative behavior. Mr. nice guy isn’t actually so nice, especially when he doesn’t get what he wants, in fact he’s kind of needy. I don’t say this to victim-blame, or to say you’re at fault for being run over by a bus, it's not your fault, pwBPD do spectacular damage. And it took me time to get to this point but I encourage you, when you’re capable, to unpack your role. It helps, you will grow, and it makes it easier to detach with kindness instead of anger or being a victim. Which is much better for you.

Everything here in the lessons and workshops, the Karpmann triangle, using executive cognitive function to control our emotions, and, recognizing that our cognition can be flawed too- garbage thoughts, ruminations, it’s been AMAZINGLY helpful beyond the scope of recovery and my experience in a BPD relationship. I am less reactive, internally and externally. For a while, after NC, I realized I was doing a Karpmann triangle all on my own- persecuting myself, torturing myself with my own thoughts- reenacting an old pattern, even after what I thought was the “negative stimuli” had been removed. The problem was me.

Now, I invalidate others less than I did, I try to accept rather than try to control others or get results I want from them, I walk- rather than swan driving into the drama, I talk back to my inner dialogue. The less enmeshed model of healthy relationship detailed on this site- a year ago, it seemed cold and detached, foreign to me. Now it does not, and warmth, affection, intimacy, all those things are still possible. And better. I was concerned about not being able to trust, being emotionally unavailable, being able to set and enforce boundaries (perhaps the most important thing), or reverting to old habits, recognizing red flags and when to remove myself, and feel 100% okay about doing so. Personally, I have found that what seemed formulaic and chilly has allowed me be much more kind. Codependent behaviors- caring, being supportive- they are attributes, and do not have be removed or eliminated as long as they are underwritten by “love of” instead of “need for”, and as long as you keep your happiness and well being flowing from YOU, and don’t expect anybody else to deliver that.

For me, NC was necessary, and the only thing that worked. I was a furious, heartbroken, dissonance-ridden mess, I know how it is. But my one piece of advice: For now- control your behavior at all costs. Don’t hit back, don’t re-engage, it’s a tar baby and there cannot be a positive result. And you are the only adult in the room- this is on you, it sucks, but that’s how it is. Be the kind person that you are, defiantly, and keep your self-respect and integrity, you’ll be glad later that you did, and your mind and emotions will catch up with your behavior. And when they do, you won’t feel like a victim, or villainize the other- both forms of attachment, and life force-sapping distractions.

Sorry for the wall of text- extra coffee this morning. And I am having an awesome morning, about a year out, in large part due to this site and the people who post here. I’m posting because I hope this helps somebody a little. I felt like things would NEVER get better, and banged away at recovering with little success for quite some time. It took me about a year, and the process is ongoing, but life is so much better. What happened isn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve it, but if you dig in, do the work, and trust the process and are willing to look at yourself, not only will you recover, you’ll flourish, and can keep the good parts of yourself in “you 2.0”. So hang in there. And the prize on the other side- it does exist, and it’s even better than you think.

[heartandwhole]

   Great post, Wait. I couldn't agree with it more. Thank you for sharing your very helpful insights. I'm glad life is shining again for you.

heartandwhole

[La Carotte]

Thank you. This was exactly what I needed to read today.

I'm so glad that you're in a good place, and thank you for taking the time to share your story in such an eloquent, thoughtful and positive way.

[Rmbrworst]

Thank you.  Very motivational post.

[Heartbroken5]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us .its inspirational... .I am so glad to hear success stories of people not only surviving the absolute nightmare of being in a BPD relationship but to also flourish and become aware of their own shortcomings ... amazing... .I myself a year out am still struggling as I live next door to my exBPD/narcissist husband who continously plays mind games with me and manipulates our four children,am finding the healing process very slow.I was left devastated, am also dealing with fOO issues I just feel like I am in limbo and so isolated... .what did you find in particular most helpful

[Learning Fast]

Walt,

Great post and congratulations on your progress over the past year.  It's encouraging and refreshing to read the comments from someone who's maintained NC for so long.

I'm at about the 2 month NC point and am starting to feel the positive side of detaching.  Fewer ruminations and she occupies less "space" in my head.

That being said, what did you find to be the most helpful as you approached the multi-month NC time frame?  I feel that I'm entering the next phase of detachment (like many on this site, I've learned quite a bit about the disorder which explains much of her behavior,  recognize my role in the relationship, etc.) and am curious to know what worked best as you moved forward.

Thanks,

LF

[Shale]

And you are the only adult in the room- this is on you, it sucks, but that’s how it is.

Thank you.

[Darsha500]

beautiful

[Walt]

To those who said thanks, you are very welcome, and I’m glad it was helpful.

Heartbroken-

Having to coparent, living next door, I can’t even imagine. I was lucky (heh) in that I could just remove myself 100%, trying to heal and still dealing with your spouse, that sounds really tough. Have you looked at the staying/improving and coparenting boards? Some of the stuff there seems like it might help you take care of yourself, create space, and manage the dynamic and your reaction a little. There was no one particular thing for me- I had to work through several issues, one at a time, and I know what you mean about limbo and isolation. I tried to practice my hobbies, socialize, etc, but in the early stages, it was pretty joyless and I was just going through the motions, and while maybe the time I spent in isolation was “wallowing”, for me it was necessary to process emotions and be capable of moving forward. I guess I’d say be patient and gentle with yourself, I’m not quite sure what helped me the most, but eventually, after recharging, I kind of started pouring back into myself if that makes sense, and it was a virtuous cycle, and my energy returned, which made all the difference. Looking back, I can see that I was too drained to have really done much in the initial stages.

Learning Fast-

Two months- that’s great! For me, everything happened in phases. That intial NC period, darkest days of my life, but very simple and with one objective: stay away/avoid, and she didn’t make that easy. And it was intense, like overcoming an addiction, counting weeks and months. But as I recovered a little, and started looking at my role, and myself, and learning about the disorder- things you mention you’re doing, more and more of my cognition and feelings were focused on those issues- rather than her (although she was ever present in the context). So I think as I started looking at myself, introspecting, my thinking and energy naturally shifted onto me, not fun stuff to confront, but it slowly pushed her out of my head. In a way, it was grief cycle 2, and 3- the death of my prior view of myself, and my view of The External, generally.


The ruminations- ohhhhh, yeah, the hardest part for me. At first, I tried everything, some of the techniques mentioned in the lessons/resources board, thought replacement, visualizations, an ad hoc DIY EMDR thing. I wrote like crazy- that helped, unsent closure letters, journals, and re-reading them, and discussing how I felt with a couple good friends who understood, I could see that I still cared about what she thought, wanted her to “understand” and was seeking some kind of validation, explanation, or closure…from her. Which I knew I was never going to get, and even if I did, it would be pretty meaningless, or another “perfect apology” recycle attempt. I distilled all the stuff I wrote, and for each core issue I was struggling with, I simplified it into a single sentence, and any time I’d start going down the rabbit hole, I’d imagine a typewriter bell “ding” and revert to the sentence. As you know, it’s maddeningly illogical, and emotionally charged, shocking, and it was like my brain couldn’t stop trying to make order of it. I *knew* what was going on, but it took me time to accept, a big difference. I was trying to sort and understand a situation that was just insane, and illogical, I realized that I was ignoring the very clear answer- “the situation was insane and illogical”, and eventually just got good with that. I do wonder though if I wasn’t hanging on to the ruminations subconsciously, they were painful, but it was all that was left of the relationship, and maybe I didn’t want to let go. I still think about it, but without pain, and my goal isn’t so much NC at this point as indifference- avoiding or pushing against something, that gives it power and is a form of attachment, that said NC was completely necessary for me to detach, I tried limited contact and “friends” and that was a disaster. I’m never going to reach out, but I’ll bump into her at some point. 6 months ago that might have triggered me, and I would have had to control my reaction. Now, I have no fear or hostility or desire, and nothing to say either, except maybe “have a nice day”. Keep up the NC, it gets easier, and as time passes instead of just avoiding a bad thing, good things will start happening too.

[Learning Fast]

Walt,

Many thanks for the response as it confirms the thoughts that have been circulating in my head the past couple of months.

I sent my good-bye text about two months ago.  As much as it would have been soo easy to lash out and unload all of my anger and frustrations I opted to take the high-road by "releasing with grace".  For those of you debating about the proper exit strategy---this is it---in my opinion you'll only regret a hasty, emotionally charged farewell.  The only closure is the type that you grant yourself.

As with any postmortem we grapple with the analysis of the "whys, hows and whats".  After much ruminating, I've learned to accept that pwBPD are "consistently inconsistent" and that there is nothing that any of us can do to change that.  Remember the three "Cs"---Cause, Control and Cure---we have no impact on any of these.  It is up to those with the disorder to find their own way.

My goal as well is indifference with NC as the vehicle to get me there.  I don't think that LC is an option unless you have family circumstances that require contact.  I tried LC briefly but it only kept me stuck  at square one.

Walt, thanks again for the inspiration as it is helpful to so many who are following your path.  Keep posting and best wishes as you continue moving forward.

LF