What's with the mistrust

[TheRealJongoBong]

It's been a long few months. My uBPDw and I have been going to MC together every week since September. She has been going to therapy for I don't know how long because she won't tell me, doesn't trust me.  And this is the crux of the problem. In the last six months I have been accused of

- having multiple affairs with gay men (this one actually goes back years)

- having an affair with her (now former) best friend

- poisoning her

- poisoning her dog

- stealing her things

- breaking her things out of spite

- infecting her with diseases

Our therapist says that it is the trauma speaking, the trauma that she endured when she was a child. He says that she needs to work through this, and that I need to constantly show her signs of my affection to help. He says these things pretty much every session we have because she will dysregulate about half way through and accuse me one of the above items. He will spend the rest of the session trying to calm her down and trying to get her to see things differently. She will agree to try and that ends our hour.

I don't know about you, but being constantly accused of unspeakable acts does not put me in a loving mood. It mostly just gives me PTSD. I validate her feelings constantly, try to support her, and I get nothing in return. She moved into another bedroom months back and now blames me for not wanting to get close to her. We hardly speak about anything but psychology, therapy, and her spirituality. If I come up with something to talk about it is either ignored or it triggers her. I work full time so only see her in the evening, but she is busy with her spirituality classes then but does I don't know what during the day because if I ask I am being "manipulative". If I don't use the exact wording she expects I am being controlling.

I'm committed for the time being to stick with therapy in hopes that there will be improvement. In the meantime it just seems that our relationship is becoming a mockery. I could use some guidance on what I can do or understand about this trust issue, as well as guidance on what to do in general. I just have a bad feeling that none of this is going to end well.

[unicorn2014]

I'm with you, I would have  a hard time sticking it out in a relationship like that myself. It sounds like the therapist isn't really aware of the deleterious effect that all of this is having you. Have you spoken up?

[TheRealJongoBong]

I told him once that because of all of this I'm feeling emotionally flat, detached from the world, and I'm isolating myself from virtually everyone. This was right after I was talking about the book Recovery and Trauma by J Herman which describes these symptoms in detail as effects from C-PTSD and PTSD. He nodded. I think my wife stole the show after that.

[sweetheart]

Hello TheRealJongoBong,

What I've come to understand in the 3 or so years I've been with this forum is there seems to be a common denominator between those who stay and improve, and those deciding and conflicted. You've mentioned it in your post and so has Unicorn, and it's whether or not we can truly disengage from the majority of the emotional defences our SO with BPD uses against us. Your w's T is right, this is the trauma speaking and it has nothing to do with you. However because you are the closest person to her, it is to you your w will transfer her issues, and that I can hear from your post is an incredibly difficult issue for you, so much so you feel as though you are being traumatised by it too.

I'll give you a list of some of the things my dBPDh directed my way when dysregulated:-

- controlling bully

- that I groomed him and sexually violated him  

- I'm a terrible mum (used to phone the police and tell them this )

- that I stole his medication, money, poisoned his food ( again he phoned the police about this)

- barricaded himself in his bedroom because he was scared of me

- said that I was injecting him with additional antipsychotics whilst he slept

- told his nursing team that I was verbally abusing him

and so on.

I can't say why it never bothered me, but it just didn't, it had no effect on me at all. It was like it was so ridiculous and nonsensical and had no bearing in my reality. I also accepted that this was part of the illness, and when my h was stable he didn't say these things to me or anyone else.

Did I ever respond to them in a retaliatory way, no I didn't, but at one point I did seek legal advice about some of his false accusations just in case.


Unfortunately the difficulty you face is that what you highlight is symptomatic of BPD and any associated trauma. Your w is unwell. The trust issue is manifesting itself from her history, the cause is her history, and it is being replayed in your marriage. Can you accept this is what it is and let it go?

In the eye of a storm which is where things appear to be for you at the moment sounds very lonely. You will know from this forum, there are no guarantees with this illness. Recovery through therapy can take many years of committed work.

Tell me some more about what you mean about having a bad feeling that none of this is going to end well?

How can you bring a positive focus back into your life, are you looking after yourself well and building time to do things with friends that can bring you enjoyment?  Taking care of yourself will be important in continuing to stay.

[unicorn2014]

I told him once that because of all of this I'm feeling emotionally flat, detached from the world, and I'm isolating myself from virtually everyone. This was right after I was talking about the book Recovery and Trauma by J Herman which describes these symptoms in detail as effects from C-PTSD and PTSD. He nodded. I think my wife stole the show after that.

I was actually diagnosed with c-PTSD/PTSD after my divorce so if you would like my experience on the matter feel free to message me. A former therapist lent me that book and I think it's worth a reread. How long have you been married?

[TheRealJongoBong]

Thank you, Sweetheard, your reply was difficult for me to read and also very helpful. Let me see if I can respond.

Unfortunately the difficulty you face is that what you highlight is symptomatic of BPD and any associated trauma. Your w is unwell. The trust issue is manifesting itself from her history, the cause is her history, and it is being replayed in your marriage. Can you accept this is what it is and let it go?

I very much understand that my wife is unwell and that it is her paranoia which is doing the talking. I understand that the things she says and does is because of the trauma she endured, and it is the trauma that is running the show. Unfortunately these behaviors do resonate with me because of my childhood trauma, so it is very difficult for me to ignore it all. I try and filter out her behavior, and I'm successful probably about 95% of the time, but sooner or later I get triggered by it and I'm off into an emotional flashback. At least now I see that it's happening and can practice getting myself back to reality. So for now I have to accept that I can't let it go 100% of the time.

In the eye of a storm which is where things appear to be for you at the moment sounds very lonely. You will know from this forum, there are no guarantees with this illness. Recovery through therapy can take many years of committed work.

Tell me some more about what you mean about having a bad feeling that none of this is going to end well?

Yes indeed, no guarantees. In fact I would say there is a great deal of pessimism as to whether any improvements can be expected at all. Right now I'm committed to MC for my wife and I and also to pay for her continued therapy in the hopes of some positive result. I'm doing this because 1) I empathize with her as she had no say in what happened to her and I would love for her to get some relief from her truama, and 2) the only other alternative I see is a protracted and messy divorce, and paying off my wife in a way that feels very much like extortion to me. Item #2 is what I mean by a bad feeling.

How can you bring a positive focus back into your life, are you looking after yourself well and building time to do things with friends that can bring you enjoyment?  Taking care of yourself will be important in continuing to stay.

As I stated before I am emotionally numb at this point and haven't really enjoyed anything for years. Due to my trauma and my relationships with pwBPD's over time I have no friends. I have no real support from my family either as they think, due to her behavior, that she is a space alien. I'm already paying for two therapists and don't really have enough income for another for myself but I'm starting to waffle on this point. Really my only source of support is on online forums like this one. I get my exercise, try to eat right, and work on my trauma - that's how I take care of myself.

One more point, slightly out of order:

I also accepted that this was part of the illness, and when my h was stable he didn't say these things to me or anyone else.

When my w was stable this she didn't say these things to me either. Now she just doesn't stop, ever. These days she (and I) will get relief for about 1 day after therapy, then the paranoia continues and it starts all over again. We went to therapy on Weds, on Thurs she hinted that her thinking was delusional (but when I asked for more clarity she mostly pushed it all back on me), this morning she accuses me of doing "things" to her dog's food. I can hardly wait to go home tonight to see what's in store for me next.

[Sunfl0wer]

Unfortunately these behaviors do resonate with me because of my childhood trauma, so it is very difficult for me to ignore it all. I try and filter out her behavior, and I'm successful probably about 95% of the time, but sooner or later I get triggered by it and I'm off into an emotional flashback. At least now I see that it's happening and can practice getting myself back to reality. So for now I have to accept that I can't let it go 100% of the time.

I think it is extremely important that you are realizing when your W is triggering you into a flashback.  It is great that you are caring for yourself and grounding yourself back.

I cannot stress this enough: Continue doing this! 

Continue recognizing and caring for yourself during these times.

I say this because I have been in the position where my ex and I were trapped in a position of: him triggering my PTSD => him recognizing I am triggered by him=> him feeling shame => him trying to rid himself of shame by being furious with me => thus triggering me more into a fearful state.

As this continued to play out... .things really got so out of control with him and he became delusional.  I became like a deer caught in headlights and kind of stuck sometimes.

I wish I had quickly removed myself in times of triggered PTSD dissociation and left to do some self care. 

I wish I kept my appearance of feeling triggered more private so he would not be infuriated and driven to want to rage at me for it. 

I think if I had always left when triggered, that he may not have learned to want to provoke triggering me just to see me come undone.  He ended up learning to trigger me to torment me and get a rise out of me.  This aggravated my own PTSD, and also his state as well.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I think it is extremely important that you are realizing when your W is triggering you into a flashback.  It is great that you are caring for yourself and grounding yourself back.

Thanks Sunflower I quite agree. If nothing else I have to learn to deal with myself first and foremost.

Your description of the relationship between you and your ex resonate with me. A long time ago I started noticing that when I felt happy and smiled that my wife would begin to get anxious, and would tear into me until I stopped that revolting behavior. As long as I was solemn and sullen I was OK, but if I smiled once then that would set off her alarm bells.

I've also noticed that she notices when I am triggered and this seems to relax her. Her behavior has always shifted so that I get triggered. Early on I was triggered by her insults, so insults I received until I refused to be bullied that way. Then it shifted to me sneaking around behind her back, until I stopped reacting to that. It's as if she needs me to stay in a triggered state because she feels safer that way.

Understanding her FOO better I can see how this might occur. Her father was not a nice man. He loved to tease and torment his offspring (one of his lesser offenses) for some reason. My wife figured this out at some point, and actually told me that her defense against this was to wind him up and throw him mentally off balance. He would stop trying to torment and would go off in a sulk. Does all this sound familiar? It appears she still playing to the same old patterns.

Again I have to tell myself that I have nothing to do with any of this craziness.