Working on Positivity and Moving forward - 1 month LC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 ,

I am trying to move forward in as positive a manner as possible after discovering at 43 that my mother is BPD (undiagnosed) - ie. 25 years later.

I have done the following fairly consistently and feel grateful that I have been able to do this:

- Meditation/mindfulness;

- Exercise;

- Going to bed early (although been waking up very early);

- Working with CBT (as much as possible - although gets stuck in bad grooves sometimes);

- Seeing a therapist - mainly twice a week for the last few weeks;

- Pushing myself through barriers - as my anxiety was fairly strong (just simple things);

- Trying to get out as much as possible;

- Working on replacing that negative self-talk with positive self talk;

- Inner child work;

- Reading stuff on this forum;

I have come to so many realizations about what was going on in one month (really pushed myself to feel the pain), although have had to back off a little - as I was feeling the pain a little too intensely (and spending too much time on the board and thinking about it the other weekend).  And am proud of myself for this.

However, just looking for some validation with respect to some of my questions: Did anyone else find weekends lonely & difficult initially (especially for those who are living in a relatively new environment)?   

The whole motivation thing I don't always find easy - as have some depression and anxiety - but am trying my best to move through it.  I guess that when there is not a lot planned on a particular weekend (although I am trying to make it busier) - I find it easy to not do a whole lot unfortunately (except trying to work through this stuff - which am guessing can be overwhelming and too much).  Guess I need to structure things more.  Weird - felt like the whole ruminating thing and anxiety thing can be too intense at times - yet other times - woke up this morning - and had the best sleep of my life (probably because I am rundown and need to look after myself - my body finally is telling me) - and feel much more peaceful for a change - wow - amazing what a decent sleep can do.  Think I also need to work on having some projects, rather than being sort of itinerant and not many plans (except for exercise) and occasionally going out.

I slowly feel like I am moving out of the learned helplessness that I never realized that I had, but is taking awhile.  The whole perfectionist thing can be a pain in the neck much of the time - as whenever I feel sick or low on energy - my inner voice keeps telling me I need to do this or that (which of course I challenge).

Not sure if I am making sense.  I know that the whole thing is exceptionally intense for anyone, particularly if you just find out about your mum (although my anxiety was bubbling up quite heavily after I quit smoking in September - didn't understand what my body was trying to tell me until now - apart from the lack of coping mechanisms of course), but I just keep wanting it to get better more quickly  

Oops, one more question which relates to the whole taking baby steps:  Does anyone else feel frustrated that their progress is not going as quickly as they would like at times?  Am sure the answer is yes, but just asking anyways   The self esteem stuff seems to be the stuff that will take the longest (at least from what my sister said - who came to the whole realization around 5 years ago).  It seems that I beat myself up and compared myself to other for so many years that I wasn't even aware to what extent.  Who needs enemies when you have a wicked inner critic :D  Although, I am divorcing "her" (is a her because my mum played a huge role in it! :D

Any other fabulous insights for a board brother? :D  Thanks in advance, I find this board incredible and really appreciate all of the tips/advice/sharing that happens here

[anon72]

 ,

I am trying to move forward in as positive a manner as possible after discovering at 43 that my mother is BPD (undiagnosed) - ie. 25 years later.

I have done the following fairly consistently and feel grateful that I have been able to do this:

- Meditation/mindfulness;

- Exercise;

- Going to bed early (although been waking up very early);

- Working with CBT (as much as possible - although gets stuck in bad grooves sometimes);

- Seeing a therapist - mainly twice a week for the last few weeks;

- Pushing myself through barriers - as my anxiety was fairly strong (just simple things);

- Trying to get out as much as possible;

- Working on replacing that negative self-talk with positive self talk;

- Inner child work;

- Reading stuff on this forum;

I have come to so many realizations about what was going on in one month (really pushed myself to feel the pain), although have had to back off a little - as I was feeling the pain a little too intensely (and spending too much time on the board and thinking about it the other weekend).  And am proud of myself for this.

However, just looking for some validation with respect to some of my questions: Did anyone else find weekends lonely & difficult initially (especially for those who are living in a relatively new environment)?   

The whole motivation thing I don't always find easy - as have some depression and anxiety - but am trying my best to move through it.  I guess that when there is not a lot planned on a particular weekend (although I am trying to make it busier) - I find it easy to not do a whole lot unfortunately (except trying to work through this stuff - which am guessing can be overwhelming and too much).  Guess I need to structure things more.  Weird - felt like the whole ruminating thing and anxiety thing can be too intense at times - yet other times - woke up this morning - and had the best sleep of my life (probably because I am rundown and need to look after myself - my body finally is telling me) - and feel much more peaceful for a change - wow - amazing what a decent sleep can do.  Think I also need to work on having some projects, rather than being sort of itinerant and not many plans (except for exercise) and occasionally going out.

I slowly feel like I am moving out of the learned helplessness that I never realized that I had, but is taking awhile.  The whole perfectionist thing can be a pain in the neck much of the time - as whenever I feel sick or low on energy - my inner voice keeps telling me I need to do this or that (which of course I challenge).

Not sure if I am making sense.  I know that the whole thing is exceptionally intense for anyone, particularly if you just find out about your mum (although my anxiety was bubbling up quite heavily after I quit smoking in September - didn't understand what my body was trying to tell me until now - apart from the lack of coping mechanisms of course), but I just keep wanting it to get better more quickly  

Oops, one more question which relates to the whole taking baby steps:  Does anyone else feel frustrated that their progress is not going as quickly as they would like at times?  Am sure the answer is yes, but just asking anyways   The self esteem stuff seems to be the stuff that will take the longest (at least from what my sister said - who came to the whole realization around 5 years ago).  It seems that I beat myself up and compared myself to other for so many years that I wasn't even aware to what extent.  Who needs enemies when you have a wicked inner critic :D  Although, I am divorcing "her" (is a her because my mum played a huge role in it! :D

Any other fabulous insights for a board brother? :D  Thanks in advance, I find this board incredible and really appreciate all of the tips/advice/sharing that happens here

[HappyChappy]

Hi annon72,

A very insperational post, thanks. Looks like you're doing all the right things. I know I sometimes let it all slip and we shouldn't. I know it's worked for me, maybe not as quickly as I'd like, but it works.

[anon72]

Hi annon72,

A very insperational post, thanks. Looks like you're doing all the right things. I know I sometimes let it all slip and we shouldn't. I know it's worked for me, maybe not as quickly as I'd like, but it works.

Thanks HappyChappy for the encouragement, greatly appreciated

[heartandwhole]

Hi anon72,

Thanks for sharing this inspiring post. Looking at your list, I think you are doing all the right things as well! The title of the post says "1 month LC," so that hasn't been very long at all—you sound like you are doing very well. 

Just to confirm your hypothesis: yes, sometimes I felt like my recovery was painfully slow; in fact, sometimes I wonder if I'm still stuck in some ways. In my case, the romantic relationship with pwBPD dug up buried FOO issues that I wasn't aware of. After that experience, I feel that at least one family member of mine has BPD traits. It took me some time (and pain) to work through a family relationship, which broke down after the death of my father (coinciding with the breakup with pwBPD).

Also, since the relationship with pwBPD (4 years out) I've changed. I feel great and better than I have in years, emotionally and physically. But I know that there is always more "stuff" to be dealt with underneath. It comes more gently now, though.

All that to say that I think healing doesn't equate to not having to deal with these kinds of feelings anymore. Or not grieving things from our childhoods, for example. I think stuff will always come up. The question for me is: do I have the tools and learning to deal with whatever comes, and in better ways than in the past? I remember asking my T if she thought that I could handle the challenges happening in my family dynamics and she said "I know you can. But, do YOU know that, heartandwhole?" That was a big moment for me because I realized that learning to trust myself (i.e., knowing that I have the capacity to handle whatever emotional blows may come my way) is one of the most important things I want to accomplish.

So, for me, the goal is not to "get rid" of anything, or put up protective walls (something I do well), but challenging myself to go through the world in an open-hearted manner, knowing that I can cope with the ups, downs, disappointments, and betrayals that happen in life.

Thanks for letting me share, anon72. Your post helped me to think about my path going forward, too. 

heartandwhole 

[anon72]

Hi anon72,

Thanks for sharing this inspiring post. Looking at your list, I think you are doing all the right things as well! The title of the post says "1 month LC," so that hasn't been very long at all—you sound like you are doing very well. 

Just to confirm your hypothesis: yes, sometimes I felt like my recovery was painfully slow; in fact, sometimes I wonder if I'm still stuck in some ways. In my case, the romantic relationship with pwBPD dug up buried FOO issues that I wasn't aware of. After that experience, I feel that at least one family member of mine has BPD traits. It took me some time (and pain) to work through a family relationship, which broke down after the death of my father (coinciding with the breakup with pwBPD).

Also, since the relationship with pwBPD (4 years out) I've changed. I feel great and better than I have in years, emotionally and physically. But I know that there is always more "stuff" to be dealt with underneath. It comes more gently now, though.

All that to say that I think healing doesn't equate to not having to deal with these kinds of feelings anymore. Or not grieving things from our childhoods, for example. I think stuff will always come up. The question for me is: do I have the tools and learning to deal with whatever comes, and in better ways than in the past? I remember asking my T if she thought that I could handle the challenges happening in my family dynamics and she said "I know you can. But, do YOU know that, heartandwhole?" That was a big moment for me because I realized that learning to trust myself (i.e., knowing that I have the capacity to handle whatever emotional blows may come my way) is one of the most important things I want to accomplish.

So, for me, the goal is not to "get rid" of anything, or put up protective walls (something I do well), but challenging myself to go through the world in an open-hearted manner, knowing that I can cope with the ups, downs, disappointments, and betrayals that happen in life.

Thanks for letting me share, anon72. Your post helped me to think about my path going forward, too. 

heartandwhole 

Thank you for sharing HeartandWhole - I really appreciate it - and your encouragement.  And am so proud of you for feeling stronger emotionally and physically - and changing 4 years out of the relationship with your pwBPD - well-done you!  Keep up the great work, yes, of course there are always issues, but they just come more gently over time - I guess, as you say.

Yes, the question relates to tools indeed, no question about it   Not getting rid of anything, very true, although constructing good habits and working on turning around the bad habits (thinking distortions).   

Challenging yourself to go into the world in an open-hearted manner - yes - that is a huge challenge - rather than put up protective walls (which is also something I have done very well in the past).  Easier said than done, but that is also my aim - slowly but surely.  Any tips from an experienced veteran like yourself?  By the way, I love your name by the way    

[heartandwhole]

Hi again anon72,

Thank you for your encouragement and your interest in my progress—that feels nice. 

Going through the world open-hearted: hm, for me it revolves around vulnerability and learning how not only to allow myself to feel vulnerable, but also to show it to others. In this area I still have work to do. I have trained myself to be so self-sufficient and self-sustaining that I worry sometimes if I'll open my heart to another man as much as I did to pwBPD, for example. I want to, though. I also know that my history of wobbly boundaries and caretaking others in an effort to get my needs met is a very strong pattern that doesn't disappear overnight, or completely. That's okay, too. Life gives me opportunities every day to transform and grow. 

I think learning to feel my difficult feelings and not judge myself for them, and then showing them to others (in baby-steps, and to select people) has been a huge help. That brings the trust issue back into the picture, as I mentioned before.

What do you think the next challenge is for you in your process, anon72? You mentioned working on thoughts, and I think that is so very important. They are what generate the feelings after all, so it's so vital to understand what script is running in the background. I know I have work to do there, too.

heartandwhole 

[anon72]

Hi annon72,

A very insperational post, thanks. Looks like you're doing all the right things. I know I sometimes let it all slip and we shouldn't. I know it's worked for me, maybe not as quickly as I'd like, but it works.

HappyChappy & others,

Thank you for all your encouragement and support, greatly appreciated.

Any tips on early morning wakefulness?  I have read the sleep stuff, am trying to avoid any sleeping pills whatsoever, but keep waking up around 4 am - which makes it difficult to stay positive.  I don't want to be negative, but have been struggling with my sleep patterns over the last few months since I quit smoking (and finally realized all of this stuff).  I did have two good sleeps on the weekend, then it started again yesterday morning.  It is like my brain wakes up - I have tried deep breathing etc. - but doesn't want to go back to sleep - like it is wide awake.  I usually stay in bed and try and doze, although usually unsucessfully (I think).  And thoughts of the whole thing surface as well - sometimes I wake up with my mind racing - other times not.

Thanks in advance