Question about contact with my ex with BPD

[JoD]

Hey all,

I'm looking for some help either from people with BPD, any professionals, or those who are knowledgeable about breakups with BPD folks.  This seems to be an active community, so I thought I'd give it a shot here.

Last year (early 2015), I met a young lady and we began a relationship.  During the course of that relationship, I noticed suicidal tendencies and many of the hallmark traits of folks who have BPD (though I didn't recognize them as signs of BPD at the time).  I convinced her to get help with our local mental health facility, and she was diagnosed with BPD.

Shortly after her diagnosis, we broke up (I did the breaking - as I felt our relationship was not healthy, and that any recovery she could manage would be best done if she were relying on herself rather than me), but still not knowing much about BPD, I tried to remain friends with her to support her in what ways I could.  After months of ups and downs, tons of phone calls, plenty of tears, fights, periods of separation, etc., I recently found that she had never really gotten past the relationship (despite her previous insistence that she had).  I asked that we go separate ways without contact until she has moved on and has gotten her life in order.  She, through a lot of tears, said that it was not what she wanted, but agreed that it was probably for the best.  We also agreed that, if absolutely necessary, we could contact one another through my mother, so that it is not direct.

My question(s) are as follows:

I want to do right by her and help in whatever way I can, but from what I've read, it's probably best for me to completely stay away, as contact from me would likely trigger unhappy feelings for her.  Is this accurate?  If this is the case, is it actually ok to relay messages every few weeks or months back and forth through my mother, or is that just as bad?  When some time passes, might it be ok to contact her?  I'm unsure.

I know that a romantic relationship with her is not what I want anymore, but I genuinely care about her, and want to be supportive as a friend if that's possible, whether it's sooner, later, or much later.  But I realize that the best thing I can do for her may be to disappear forever.  Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Also, any advice on getting her to go to DBT would be helpful as well.  Am I correct in saying that this is the most effective form of therapy for the condition?  She was seeing a general therapist for a time, but stopped shortly before she was supposed to start DBT.  I'd really like for her to start the therapy, but I'm not sure how to approach that, given that contact is probably not wise.

Sorry for the length, and thanks for any advice up front.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Hi JoD, and welcome to the board.

Most of us have been where you are, or somewhere similar, in our recent life experiences.  I am guessing that your post refers to the practice of "going NC," and having no contact with your former significant other.  I apologize if the advice I offer you sounds harsh, as it frequently seems to at first, but the purpose of NC is not to protect the feelings of the pwBPD, but to protect you from the ongoing drama.  You seem to think that you are out of range because you've broken up with her, but please consider her reaction to you . . . that is not the case.

Her feelings and emotions are very fluid, and there may be days that she hates you and days that she wants you back.  It could even vary by the minute.  You aren't accomplishing much for her by going NC, and as much as I hate to tell you this, very few of your actions could change the course of her life in any way.  I'd encourage you to read the thread called ":)o they ever get better?" and similar ones on the board to see why I say this.  Simply put, the prognosis for BPD isn't very good.  If sheer dedication and force of will could help a pwBPD heal, there are many on this board who would have worked miracles.

Now, please don't take this the wrong way -- but I observed that your entire post consisted of questions about helping this woman.  It sounds like you are a kind-hearted and caring person and you want the best for her, which is admirable.  However, I'd encourage you to stop and ask yourself what your stake is in her recovery.  Are you hoping that she will recover and you two can have a normal relationship?  Are you content with her making some kind of recovery and falling head over heels with someone else?  Are you prepared to deal with a lot of drama and push-pull behavior as she works through her problems (or not)?  Are you prepared for the idea that she might go to therapy with the sole intention of getting you back into a relationship with her, with no real dedication to her outcome?  These are questions you should answer for yourself in your own mind, HONESTLY, and not for my sake.  But the answers could help you figure out what your real intentions and desires are.

It sounds like it was a relatively short relationship, and for that I think you should be grateful.  The bottom line is that you are relatively emotionally intact, and if this woman is to ever deal with her BPD behaviors, she has to be extremely intrinsically motivated to change her own life.  Your encouragement, unfortunately, will not be enough.  Beware of a desire to own her problem for her so that she doesn't have to find her own reasons for recovering.

Again, I apologize if any of this sounded harsh, but I think if you spend some time reading this board, you will see why protecting yourself is so important.

[JoD]

I appreciate your response.  None of it sounded harsh at all, and I do recognize that it's necessary to question our own intents with regard to our hopes for our BPD loved ones.

I have read around the boards a bit and do feel pretty lucky.  The relationship only lasted about 4 months, and it's been a year now since we've known one another.  There were probably some abusive behaviors that I didn't recognize, certainly some suicidal threats, and there were likely some lies that I didn't see through at the time (it's hard to know).  There were definitely times that I suffered, but at the end of it, I am completely fine, for my part.

The heartbreaking part isn't mine at all, it's hers.  The more I learn, the more I realize how much she suffers every waking moment, and no one on the planet deserves that kind of pain.  My motivation for her recovery is sincerely for her to live a better life, though I'll certainly admit that it would make me feel better to know that she has learned to deal/cope with her emotions in a way that makes her life easier.  If there's any selfish intent, it's only in that regard.  I am not interested in a future, 'recovered' relationship with her, so to speak.

There have been times during which I did try to own her problem and try to help fix it, I think.  There were times I'd tell myself 'if only you help her with this one more thing, maybe she can get herself together.'  But I think having learned what I have recently, that's not likely to ever happen again.

I guess what I'm taking away from your message is that it doesn't really matter what I do.  It seems she's going to be miserable regardless of my actions, and the only way it may improve is if she decides for herself to get the therapy.

[thisworld]

JoD hi, and welcome to BPD Family

I'm sorry for what brought you here but am happy that you have found us. I'm also happy to hear that your lady friend accessed healthcare and was diagnosed - which may, one day, contribute to her health positively.

How are you doing nowadays? And do you feel informed on BPD (lessons and materials here help us put a lot of things into perspective and approach the situation more realistically.)

Many of us here relate to your feelings and the wish to help our partners even if we don't necessarily want a relationship with them. And that's a very humane, admirable wish as well. Only, due to the way BPD works as an attachment disorder, that is rather impossible. And in the end, for many of us it turns into one of those beliefs that keep us stuck emotionally. We may also feel guilt or other negative things when we don't help in some way. How do you feel in that regard?

Reading your post made me think of this part from one of our articles:

"You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned."

If you wish to have a look at the rest of the article, here is the link:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep posting as we are stronger together!

[Learning Fast]

JoD,

The previous posts offer great counsel and guidance.  The only one who can help her is herself.  You'll find this same conclusion in many threads and posts on this site.  It's hard to accept and process as we all have caretaker tendencies but in the end you'll have two people upset and frustrated---her AND you---by remaining emeshed.

My ex and I parted in June '15.  Trying to maintain any type of relationship (mind you---we're not talking about any discussions involving treatment, therapy or counseling) from that point on (reasoning---our daughters are best friends) proved to be futile. I sent her my good-bye text in late December and have been NC ever since.

Trying to help/assist on any level is bound to be fruitless and as TW mentioned it arrests our recovery as well.  Spend your healing and emotional resources where they can be most impactful---on yourself.

LF

[JoD]

Thanks for the replies.

TW, I did take a look through that article, and picked out the very passage you quoted as being particularly relevant to my situation.  She and I have gone through a couple periods of separation and reconciliation.  Each separation was initiated by me, as she is indeed quite attached.  She would do things like refuse to get out of my car when I'd drop her at home, refuse to leave my apartment, and one time refused to let me go physically when she knew we were separating.  I have felt guilt to varying degrees each time for leaving, as it really does seem that I'm just about the only person who cares about her and how she's doing (though that perception may have been partially engineered by her - it's hard to say).

However, I'd say I'm a much more rational guy than an emotional one, so when I see as many people here saying similar things, I realize that there isn't anything I can do.  I'm gathering that my 'help' would probably only be a target and a trigger for her emotions, and would serve only to prolong her attachment and our frustrations.  The more time passes (it's only been a few days since our separation), and the more I read here, the more I realize any guilt is unfounded and pointless.  That is definitely helping any guilt that I'm still feeling to vanish more quickly than it otherwise would.  It's all but gone already.

The utter lack of posts in which people say, "I stuck around to help and she's doing so much better," is pretty telling as well.  Maybe there are some I haven't dug up yet.

LF, thanks for the advice.  My ex and I broke up last June as well.  I'm a little jealous that you beat me to the inevitable conclusion.  I wish I'd have found this board last June, though her insistence that she's 'better now' might have fooled me anyway without the additional experience with her.