Is this a terrible idea or sensible?

[La Carotte]

I've been in a typical BPD relarionship with "the love of my life" for 3 years, which is now almost certainly over.

I'm trying to learn about myself and my patterns so that I can go on and grow from this- at least in theory... .I don't believe I will ever feel anything other than as terrible as I do, but I'm willing to take on trust the many things I've read here.

13 years ago I was engaged to be married to the other "love of my life", a relationship that also lasted approx 3 years. (I've also lived for two ten year periods with lovely kind people who treated me well and loved me, but who I just didn't have the same passion or connection with)

Anyway, the thing is that I can hardly remember anything of my 3 year relationship with P. All I know is that he came and went, I felt terrible most of the time, I tried  to make him love me, we fought a lot, and when we finally finished, I was suicidal and ended up on anti depressants and off work for six months. I also know that his ex wife tried suicide, and current ex's partner committed suicide. I've blocked it all. But I do know that when I started seeing current ex, there were things she said and did that flashed P into mind.

This evening I got a notion to find P and see if we could talk about what happened, maybe it would answer some questions for me (but what are those questions?) I found him on FB and the very positive thing for me was that I didn't feel anything emotional on seeing a picture of him, it could have been anyone (which made me think that in 13 years I maybe

[La Carotte]

I'm not sure why this post cut off and I can't seem to edit it.

Anyway, my question is- is this a reasonable thought I'm having to contact P? It feels reasonable but I'm worried that I'm just trying to replace the drama that I'm not now getting from ex. Basically, I feel like I can't trust my own judgements at the moment and I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks

[steelwork]

I'm not sure why this post cut off and I can't seem to edit it.

Anyway, my question is- is this a reasonable thought I'm having to contact P? It feels reasonable but I'm worried that I'm just trying to replace the drama that I'm not now getting from ex. Basically, I feel like I can't trust my own judgements at the moment and I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks

I too have had a lot of thoughts about contacting old lovers, though I don't know why exactly. It's not that I want to rekindle with any of them. I think maybe I want them to tell me I was a great girl and they think of me fondly. So I can extrapolate from that and imagine that D is thinking of me fondly, maybe.

But it sounds like a painful relationship that ended badly--is that fair to say? What is it you want to know from P?

Oddly, I got a linkedin message last month from the guy who "deflowered" me 34 years ago! It was a one night stand, we didn't live in the same city, we only saw each other once in the years since. I have fond memories of him and of the night we had together. He took me on a nighttime motorcycle ride and we slept together and then he took a topless photo of me and that was really all there was to it. I was glad to catch up with him, but it didn't go anywhere. Maybe someone had just dumped him. Who knows?

[JQ]

Finally,

I think the answer you search for is in your name you use for this site ... ."Finally It's Time".   Do not go down this path IMHO ... .nothing good could come from it. It will open up old feelings, emotions, hurt & pain.  I know you think you're over it ... .but if you're truly over it ... .then no further contact, conversation, email or text will change things. You know from spending hours on this site that there has never been & never will be "closure" with someone who has BPD.

My first exBPDgf has wormed her way into my BPD step mothers life to try to rekindle some type of relationship with me after 20 plus years. I can tell you that her flying monkey's still attempt to cause chaos.  I have grown in the 20 plus years as a person ... .I know that she has battle cancer and is still trying to get to the 5 yrs mark and the person inside of me that wants only to be a friend ... .wants only to comfort her in her times of need from such a dreaded disease ... .this effort is fruitless.  I have attempted to conduct an adult conversation with her ... .it was an epic failure that left her raging and not making sense from the things she was saying.

SOO ... .IMHO ... .walk by this closed door ... .nothing good will come from it being opened. Know the things in your heart are true ... .and that it's good enough for you to continue to live & explore YOUR life!

J

[La Carotte]

Thanks for your thoughts, guys.

Im not in any way hoping to rekindle anything with P, not even friendship, I'm not interested. I just wonder whether after all this time we might be able to have a conversation about what happened as really I have virtually no memory of those three years at all and no idea how or why we finally broke up. I don't actually care, it's not like I need closure or anything, I barely think of him/that relarionship, but I wonder whether it might help me in learning about myself and my patterns.

But that is supposing that such a conversation is even possible. I've no idea if he has BPD, but I know that there was a lot of push pull and control and triangulation with other girls, but that may have been because he believed he was a prophet.

Maybe I should just leave well enough alone... .

[khibomsis]

FIT, if you ended up suicidally depressed the first time around I would resist the temptation to explore that road. Normally repressed memories occur because the conscious mind cannot deal with the trauma. My repressed memories from childhood started coming back around 32 and by 37 were so bad I almost killed myself. Most fortunately went into therapy from which a lot of good things came. But the thing with a repressed memory is that when it comes back you have to deal with it from that point on . Since one has not been able to remember it one has not been able to process and so emotionally one picks up again from the point of trauma. To do so without a therapist holding your hand can be dangerous. I fully understand your desire to figure out why you end up with people whose exes tried/committed suicide but you need to do so safely.

There must be both relief and sadness in your growing realization that your current relationship is drawing to a close. Is there something significant about the three year mark?

[khibomsis]

And of course you will feel better as time goes by. There is that in you that wishes to heal, all you've got to do is let it.  Trust the process.