8 month NC Update

[hopealways]

It has been almost 8 months of NC for me, not a peep from myself or my BPDx.

I feel I am in the final stages of detaching. I almost have birthing pains as I feel I am giving birth to a new person I never really new.

The other day I found out that she moved from her apartment and that helped me detach even more as now I am clueless about where she may be.  I have never driven by her last apartment but I do frequent places near there, and knowing that I won't encounter her actually helps me move on.

I feel anger these days, at myself and at her.  I am finally letting go, and have no expectations of her ever returning in my life.  A few months ago this thought alone would have been enough to send me into anxiety.  Now I merely wonder what life has in store for me next.

I have seen others on this board who have been enmeshed WAY more than I believe I was, heal, and move on, even faster than I.  But now I realize that we are all different and our healing times vary as well.

Dating has not been that great for me.  I think I'm still in a funk and have lost my Mojo, but it will return, even better than before.

These days I go to the gym more, treat myself better, let less things bother me. It's crazy how hard I have been on myself all my life.

To those who are a few days or weeks NC, hang in there.  If I could go 8 months then you can too. 

[tempest2016]

I'm just a month and a half into no contact.  I have some days where the nc feels just horrible, but I stick to it like glue.  I do any going out or shopping in another place than our small town so I don't run into him.  I know that would set me back. 

I broke up with him and blocked his number immediately.  He has not tried to contact me at all in another way.  So I have been lucky in that. 

Good job for sticking to it.  It's the only way sometimes to heal and move forward. 

[bdyw8]

Thanks for that post, hopealways, it was something I really needed to read today - that there is hope for me.

I'm just over 2 months NC now and have been missing the companionship that my exBPD provided, and to be honest, even missing the chaos too.  Her kid tried texting me a couple weeks ago, but I had to block them too which was hard.  I'm holding strong to the NC but it's still tough and I almost miss her stalking me.  I guess I miss feeling like someone wanted me.  I feel pretty alone right now but, like you, am trying to go easier on myself and learn to be comfortable and happy with the person I see in the mirror!

Somedays it's scary as hell.  Thanks for the post and for the glimmer of hope. 

[Lucky Jim]

But now I realize that we are all different and our healing times vary as well.

Right, hopealways, there's no timetable on healing and everyone does it at his/her own pace.  I admire you for going NC for 8 months (and those above who are at earlier stages of NC).

In my view, one has to undergo short term pain in exchange for long term happiness, in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  It's rough sledding at times, no doubt, and I can relate to what you are going through.  Yet it leads to new growth, which is the light at the end of the tunnel.  You'll get there!

LuckyJim

[hopealways]

"Short term pain for long term happiness" Well said Lucky Jim.

BDY8 yes I too miss someone wanting me. That was probably the greatest allure: that someone wants me when I never even wanted myself.  I do believe I was drawn to her because I subconsciously knew I needed to finally heal, and that her crazy would drive me to the healing I needed.

[Lucky Jim]

I do believe I was drawn to her because I subconsciously knew I needed to finally heal, and that her crazy would drive me to the healing I needed.

Hey hopealways, I suspect that's true.  A BPD r/s is like a crucible that forces us to confront our own issues.  It's hard to emerge unscathed, yet afterwards you can't help but know yourself better.

Of course it feels good to be wanted.  I find it interesting that you are honest enough with yourself to admit that you "never even wanted myself."  The answer, I suggest, involves learning to love and accept yourself, just the way you are, which sounds easy but is hard.  It's takes a lot of work, yet many positive benefits flow from this basic premise.  I won't bore you with the details, except to say that learning to love myself has been instrumental to my healing.

LuckyJim

[jessedsickabouther]

Listen I have a slightly different view on the subject matter of no contact for whatever it's worth. First of all a lot of that should be based on the actual person that you're dealing with. If you were being abused everyday or scream. Or there was any violence then yes absolutely. 

But depending on your situation counting the months and weeks is really counter productive in my opinion to long-term healing but I respect that everybody is different. My X allowed me to vent first by text and then by email back in early December and she said that she understood and I had every right to be mad and then she said lastly via email that at this point we really don't have much to talk about besides some legal matters. I respected that and I did very very strongly hold no contact. She has made several in direct contact attempts and things didn't always mean what they seem to mean.

I don't think there is any great solution because I do remember after about seven weeks I just stopped counting the days since I had seen her or she last spoke to me. You have to base this on your individual situation and realize that everybody is different. You can't control BPD and you can't fix them and you have a right to be angry and frustrated and whatever it is that you want to feel but at some point maybe having some direct contact does help heal

I speak from experience because when I was younger I dated a girl that had BPD but I did not know that she had it. We went through five different break up cycles but I didn't know to count the days and I didn't know what was wrong I just knew knew that she just kept reappearing and eventually it resolved itself and we were able to be friends and we have been friends for over 20 years. Try to think of the person. Again she was not violent and angry towards me so I showed her kindness even when she had hurt me and over time she greatly appreciated that. Yes you do not want to be around when your ex is dating someone else. It is very painful believe me I still have very strong feelings for my ex right now.

Just be calm . if you want to actually speak to them one day and maybe you're hurt right now and you still care about that person then just let them know that you respect their wishes and that you do care about them and that if they change their mind and wish to speak to you at some future point that you know you will see how things are then.

And then leave them alone and let them process their own feelings. No I don't think that that person will ever be able to give you full reciprocation in a relationship but I do know that my ex is a very good person and BPD does not automatically make you a monster.

We are finally been talking by email only today for the first time in 3 months and it is definitely weird but we have to get through some financial issues and we've always been fairly respectful if not very respectful towards each other at least in the way that we spoke to each other .

It is a shame because I see that person that I really loved again today at least a glimpse of it even though we're not speaking anything about the past. I gave her my reassurance in an email a week ago that I was taking care of a few things and was going to do something but that I would not say anything about her and I as these were separate issues and I have stuck to that 100% since early December.

So I'm not trying to hijack your thread here I understand that in certain situations you really do need no contact but since you're still thinking about it eight months later you know you might get more peace if you did speak a little bit but again everyone is different. My thoughts are just make sure that you're doing no contact for the right reason. I had a very good girlfriend and I triggered abandonment and didn't handle the end of the relationship well and she flipped out and cheated and I was so hurt that at the end ultimately I just couldn't deal with it and I think I almost was punishing her. I'm not condoning cheating believe me I mean it's debatable whether or not we are technically broken up and I looked at the relationship as a whole and saw that I was treated very well and that I had made some mistakes myself.

If you're still struggling after a long. Of no contact or a couple of months no contact it does get better but then some days it gets worse so depending upon the person again I say sometimes it's better to speak

Of course when somebody tells you do not contact me I would not chase them down that's up to them to come back to you but I was never specifically told do not speak to me again I was never yelled at and that is a different story. I just realized it was futile at that point and just to let it go and believe me it was very difficult because it was right before Christmas and her birthday.

I don't know if this helps anybody but it's just my experience and there's more than one solution then 100% no contact. Use your knowledge and your judgement and protect yourself and accept things for what they are okay. Not everybody is the same.