Those who are happy now: How did you rebuild your life? ~

[hergestridge]

I am happy today. Or much happier, at least.

It's been one 20 months since we broke up. For the first year I focused very little on my past relationship. I had as little contact with my ex partner as possible and focused on doing things for myself; long walks, listening to music, eating good food, hanging out with my daughter, ruminating over the last 20-years (sometimes writing in this forum). My ex partner wanted to have much more contact with me, but I declined. I let myself be bitter, but I won't engage because it is over and I really wanted it to be. I felt my stress level going down tremendously since we broke up and that felt very, very good.

When we had to deal with things that had to do with my ex (house, kids) I was distanced and very crass. She cried, I didn't. I started to feel like she was a stranger to me.

I started to date a girl during the first year. Nothing came out of it but we became good friends. She moved in with me as "housemate" and it's been an interesting process to get to know another person in depth. I have come to realize that we're both odd people, and I have started to think that it probably wasn't easy for my ex wife to have BPD *and* live with an odd and sensitive person like me.

In September/October I met another girl which quickly became my girlfriend. We are very much in love with each other and I now have the love life I always sought. Since then it has become difficult for me be as distanced as I would like to be towards my ex-wife. I feel good about myself which means I become nice to people, including my ex wife. And I don't think she deserves me being nice to her, so it feels kind of strange. I find it difficult to deal with her "let's make up and be friends"-stuff. I truly despise her. The scars I have are for life and f*ck her for backstabbing me. God knows how I will feel about it in the future, but this is where I am right now. And feeling good about it.

[half-life]

For me, my emotion have rebound from hitting rock bottom to being hopeful in a few months. I am kind of an optimist I guess.

In reality we are still in the process of filing divorce paper and to sort out some children issues. I have been introspective about what happened in these few months. I find these are the main things.

1. Accepting and letting go. My initial plan to lead a separate live as a dad and my two dear kids has fallen apart in the most horrible way. My older son has alienated from me and he treat me as the enemy. That's when I sank to the rock bottom. Since that I have accepted it. I have done everything earnestly. Nevertheless it has gone horribly off track. I have accepted it and it is hurting me less.

2. I have enrolled in a writing class. This has worked magic. It give me opportunity the explore my emotional side. Everything I finished something, usually just some simple short prose, it gives me a lot of satisfaction. And for some silliness I have been moved to tears by my own writing.

3. I decided I want to date another person. This is very premature as I am still working on the divorce. I have meet 0 person so far and 0 in the last 15 years. But by flipping the mental switch on, I have opened the door for myself. I want to bond with some person. I never have a chance to do that all these years. Unlike when I was young, I am clear and unambiguous about my intention. That make whole lot of difference.

I hope I will be writing some really positive in the future.

[anon72]

 Thank you everyone for taking the time to share how you rebuilt your life, it really helps, please continue to share - it really helps just to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey anon72, I suspect that many of us take on a false self, or persona, in order to survive the stress and turmoil of a BPD r/s.  Under pressure from my BPDxW, I allowed myself to lose touch with friends, family members and activities that are meaningful to me.  I lost myself for a while and became a stranger to myself, which was not fun, believe me.  Returning to my authentic self has been integral to rebuilding my life.  No more faking it.  I listen to my gut feelings and try to act in ways that reflect my core.

LuckyJim

[balletomane]

Hey anon72, I suspect that many of us take on a false self, or persona, in order to survive the stress and turmoil of a BPD r/s.  Under pressure from my BPDxW, I allowed myself to lose touch with friends, family members and activities that are meaningful to me.  I lost myself for a while and became a stranger to myself, which was not fun, believe me.  Returning to my authentic self has been integral to rebuilding my life.  No more faking it.  I listen to my gut feelings and try to act in ways that reflect my core.

LuckyJim

This was my experience too. I found myself pretending to like things I dislike, dislike things I like, and agree when I didn't agree just to keep the peace (and it wasn't peace, it was a toxic inertia). I lost touch with family members and friends partly because I felt anxious when I wasn't with him, as though things would start to go wrong if we spent time apart; and partly because I couldn't tell any of them the truth about what was happening. I suspected (rightly) that they would be angry and alarmed if they knew how I was being treated, because unlike me, they "wouldn't understand him." When he dropped me like a broken toy, I felt like a broken toy. I'm still learning how to be myself again.

Just a question for you all... .

If you had the power to take the experience of your last relationship away, would you?

The reason I ask is because many people post break up see it as a blessing in disguise. A kind of awakening.

This was definitely the case for me. If I had not aligned with a disordered female(s) it would never have forced the introspection I went through. It forced me down a path of self-discovery and like most here highlighted how much our childhood can affect our adult life and interpersonal relationships.

It wasn’t a nice experience but its when we suffer adversity that we truly grow. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

In a nutshell, yes. I'm not at the point where I can be grateful for the experience of abuse. No matter what it taught me, if I could take that experience away I would.

[Lucky Jim]

I found myself pretending to like things I dislike, dislike things I like, and agree when I didn't agree just to keep the peace (and it wasn't peace, it was a toxic inertia). I lost touch with family members and friends partly because I felt anxious when I wasn't with him, as though things would start to go wrong if we spent time apart; and partly because I couldn't tell any of them the truth about what was happening. I suspected (rightly) that they would be angry and alarmed if they knew how I was being treated, because unlike me, they "wouldn't understand him."

Hey balletomane, You nailed it!  That was my experience exactly.  It's weird when you find yourself pretending to agree when actually you disagree, in order to avoid a firestorm.  Toxic inertia, indeed.  Right, you remain silent because you know others would be horrified to hear what is really happening.  Not fun and terrible for one's soul.

Understand that you're in a lot of pain but, from my perspective, it will lead to more happiness and I'm glad you're out of the r/s.  It's hard to make the break, for a lot of reasons including "toxic inertia," but you did it so now it's a journey towards authenticity.

LuckyJim

[Sadly]

Never ever will I be grateful for being savaged and belittled and humiliated and turned inside out, brought to my knees with grief and hurt and misery such as I didn't know existed. After all this time I still fear for my life not at his hands but at mine.I haven't found strength, I despise my weakness. It is good that there are those for whom it was a voyage of discovery, that they have landed safely with new strengths and perceptions but I am not one of them. I have lost my belief in love and humanity and dare not hold out my hand to anyone for fear it is taken hold of. This is not something to be grateful for.

[eeks]

Never ever will I be grateful for being savaged and belittled and humiliated and turned inside out, brought to my knees with grief and hurt and misery such as I didn't know existed. After all this time I still fear for my life not at his hands but at mine.I haven't found strength, I despise my weakness. It is good that there are those for whom it was a voyage of discovery, that they have landed safely with new strengths and perceptions but I am not one of them. I have lost my belief in love and humanity and dare not hold out my hand to anyone for fear it is taken hold of. This is not something to be grateful for.

Hi Sadly,

Painful experiences can be the catalyst for personal transformation, but I don't think anyone is ever really "grateful" for the experience of abuse itself.  I think a person can be grateful for the opportunity to heal old wounds, break old limiting behaviour and emotional patterns (or is it more accurate to say, get to a place where you have more options, more tools in your toolbox) and move towards wholeness. 

You sound like you are suffering.  What sources of emotional support do you have in your life right now?  I get the sense that it can be difficult for you to even ask, as you say, "dare not hold out my hand to anyone for fear it is taken hold of". 

This online book was written for survivors of sexual abuse and rape (which may apply to you as well, I don't know), but you might find it helpful either way because it includes the theme of learning to trust.  www.ninaburrowes.com/books/the-courage-to-be-me/preface/

eeks

[Sadly]

Sorry, I think I misread the title "those who are happy now"am in the wrong place, in more ways than one. Thanks for your reply though. Yes, I was abused as a child by my grandfather. Have been on and off here for over a year now. Moved over 250 miles away from my exWBPD,  got a new job, turned my life upside down and then let him back in. Now destroyed all over again. Week, pathetic. Sorry to those who' s hearts lifted at the sight of happy in the title and then got me.

[anon72]

Hey anon72, I suspect that many of us take on a false self, or persona, in order to survive the stress and turmoil of a BPD r/s.  Under pressure from my BPDxW, I allowed myself to lose touch with friends, family members and activities that are meaningful to me.  I lost myself for a while and became a stranger to myself, which was not fun, believe me.  Returning to my authentic self has been integral to rebuilding my life.  No more faking it.  I listen to my gut feelings and try to act in ways that reflect my core.

LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky Jim for sharing, makes complete sense   That is exactly what I am working on doing.

[anon72]

Sorry, I think I misread the title "those who are happy now"am in the wrong place, in more ways than one. Thanks for your reply though. Yes, I was abused as a child by my grandfather. Have been on and off here for over a year now. Moved over 250 miles away from my exWBPD,  got a new job, turned my life upside down and then let him back in. Now destroyed all over again. Week, pathetic. Sorry to those who' s hearts lifted at the sight of happy in the title and then got me.

Sadly, I am still a newbie, but just wanted to say:

1.   

2.   You have done the hard work before, so you are far from weak and pathetic, but very strong to done what you have done!  Am sure you can rebuild it more quickly this time   I can't possibly imagine the pain that you are going through, but the fact that you are on here means that you are looking at moving forward from this pain - which is a huge positive

Take care,

Anon72

[Sadly]

  thank you. All the luck in the world x

[talithacumi]

Slowly. One lurching step at a time. Lots of stumbling. Lots of falling. Lots of collapsing in tears. Lots of throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming because I didn't want to do it/feel the way I did anymore. Lots of picking myself up again to go to work, take care of my kids, pay bills, buy groceries, cook dinner, clean the house, take a shower, wash my hair. Lots of hands yanking me up and dragging me along for all the same reasons. Either way, lots of days spent staggering through my life like a zombie - actively shoving all the things I was thinking/feeling out of my way just so I could make it through whatever I had to do next.

Slowly. Finding a good therapist. Being directed to this board. Realizing I wasn't crazy. Learning about the disorder and how it works. Understanding the role I played in this dance. Having a whole community of people who'd been through the same thing, felt the same way, were struggling with the same issues/problems/questions/concerns. Feeling, for a very long time, that this was the only place I could be myself, and find the understanding/acceptance/help I need in order to really live/be anywhere else again.

Slowly. Letting that happen. Making the move I'd been longing to make to the desert. Looking for work in a field I found fascinating, and being hired to do a job I really love. Meeting, talking to, and connecting with other people in person over something other than what I'd been through with my xpwBPD. Finding a vintage trailer to live in, work on, and make into the home for myself I've never really had. Allowing myself to care. Allowing myself to be interested in, and moved by something other than my own pain/grief.

Slowly.

Six years slow come July. Faster with each year that's gone by. Easier. Less traumatic. Less resisted. Less painful. Change becoming more of a habit, and less of a wish/hope/surprise when you realize it's happened. That you're different. That you're better. That you're moving on, and healing. That - while you were busy just stumbling, staggering, dragging yourself through every day like a zombie - you somehow managed to start living again.

Slowly.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not completely happy right now, and I'm still feeling like I'm rebuilding my life. But I sure have made some progress! Here's my synopsis:

Got married in our 20s; her FOO was kinda messed up, and she had learned better ways to be an adult by then. It was her third relationship and my first. She would get depressed upon occasion, and did become emotionally abusive, but it was rare. A decade and a half went by, and it was good. We retired early, with dreams and plans about building or buying a boat and traveling. Living together 24/7 without outside jobs and friends there, and most of personal support networks left behind (moved across the country from friends and family), things started to go downhill. She got more abusive, I got more codependent/needy. The depression that brought this became more common.

Six years ago, (Fall 2009) I realized I had to do something, I had to break free of abuse/control, although I wasn't using those words at the time. I started working on it. I didn't have all the tools I needed, but I was doing the best I could. Another three years later, I stumbled onto BPD and found my way here. I grabbed the last tools I needed and ran with it. My marriage improved, the abuse stopped. 2012 and 2013 were much better. (We were still working on boating projects and a boating lifestyle together) I felt like I was building a happy life for myself at that time.

Late 2013, she was brought low by the death of somebody close to her. I supported her, but it was a very hard year. Late 2014, she had to blow up our marriage to get herself free, and she did blow it up, and did end our marriage. Early 2015, we split; I got the boat, she moved her stuff off. I was pretty lost and grieving for a while there, but was finding things to enjoy by summer 2015.

And from there on, I've been rebuilding my life still. My plans were to live on my boat as 1/2 of a couple, and I had to re-define that as a way I could live solo on my boat.

I'd never trade the lessons I learned over the last ~seven years for anything. I am enjoying my life some of the time. Other times I feel depressed and lonely. I am seeing glimpses of a future I'm really excited about. Some times I'm excited about things I'm accomplishing. Other times I feel like I'm making no progress, procrastinating, and beat myself up over it. I'm pretty sure I'm on the cusp of something amazing.