Why is my dad making me feel guilty?

[unicorn2014]

So I'm stuck in another crisis with my daughter and my dad's not being very helpful. I reached out to him, because I had talked to him the day before  and I didn't want to be alone with what's going on. My partner's in another state and still not in the clear for his own crisis so his support doesn't do it for me. I don't think I was looking for support from my dad, but I certainly wasn't going to tell my daughter's dad because he's a major liability. I divorced her dad and have no regrets about that.

So the point of this post is to say that my dad held me responsible for my daughter's behavior which is crazy because her teachers have been telling me since she was in 4th grade that is she is responsible for her behavior. I told my dad I'm not responsible for her choices, I'm responsible for her consequences. My dad ironically reminded me of when I ran away, and I was like yeah dad, I climbed out the bathroom window. He remembered that too. I was like you just made my point, there was nothing you could do to stop me.

Anyway my dad ended up making me feel shamed too. He still holds me responsible for the fact my daughter was sent home 5 weeks early from summer camp even though I had no say in the matter, she was a disruption and the camp had had enough.

My father is narcissistic, not borderline, that's my mother, so I can see how he thinks like a narcissist and applies it to me. He thinks I'm omnipotent. That gives me a warped view of reality. I tried to explain this to my dad but he wouldn't listen. I know he cares but I don't think his point of view is very helpful.

What do you all think?

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

I don't think I was looking for support from my dad, but I certainly wasn't going to tell my daughter's dad because he's a major liability.

Do you feel like you've been truly able to accept that your dad is disordered and the consequences this has for the relationship you are able to have with him and the support he's able to give? Do you feel like you've really been able to let go of the 'loving and supportive fantasy dad' you never had?

Anyway my dad ended up making me feel shamed too. He still holds me responsible for the fact my daughter was sent home 5 weeks early from summer camp even though I had no say in the matter, she was a disruption and the camp had had enough.

I am sorry this interaction with your dad caused you to feel shame. As unpleasant as your dad's behavior might be, all his actions and words stem from his own distorted thinking and distorted perception of reality. Keeping this in mind might help you take his behavior less personally, since it really isn't a reflection of who you really are at all but only a reflection of your dad's own inner turmoil and negativity.

I tried to explain this to my dad but he wouldn't listen. I know he cares but I don't think his point of view is very helpful.

What do you all think?

Do you think it's possible to get through to your dad by using reason? Perhaps it is best for you to change your expectations of your dad based on what you know of him. Given his narcissistic traits it perhaps is best to (drastically) lower your expectations of him. How does this sound to you?

You also say you know he cares. Your father is disordered and as a result might find it very hard expressing his love in a loving way. This indeed does not necessarily have to mean that he doesn't care, it however does mean that his way of caring likely won't feel very caring at all. That is something you can't change, but you can change how you respond to him and the boundaries you set with him.

[unicorn2014]

Kwamina I think everything that you said is true and that you would make a good social worker or therapist

I'm having a really hard time accepting the reality of my dad. Since he, my brother and I are involved in a  probate case I am having a lot of contact with him these days. I didn't want to be a part of this probate case originally but when I learned more about the situation it became clear to me I had a morally sound reason to get involved.

So since all three of us are involved in this case together, there's going to be a lot of interaction.

I emailed my dad about my daughter, then he called me and my brother called me. I still find my dad more supportive then my ex. I haven't told him about the situation.

I think you are right that I need to let go of my fantasy dad, and accept the fact he is disordered. I even walked him through his disorder and pointed out a couple of traits to him. He wasn't in denial about it however he will never see a psychotherapist. His stepdad was a psychiatrist and he said he will never pay someone to listen to him.

What can I do to accept my dad for who he is and let go?

I'm the one who emailed my dad about my daughter because he is a better dad then my ex and my fiancé just doesn't do it for me, he's not enough, he has BPD traits. The conflicted board is helping me to realize I can't go to my fiancé for emotional support so I guess my dad felt safer. I told my fiancé too but telling him about problems always results in conflict in the end.

[Kwamina]

Kwamina I think everything that you said is true and that you would make a good social worker or therapist

That's why I'm called the Board Parrot! I'm a board certified parrot

I'm having a really hard time accepting the reality of my dad. Since he, my brother and I are involved in a  probate case I am having a lot of contact with him these days. I didn't want to be a part of this probate case originally but when I learned more about the situation it became clear to me I had a morally sound reason to get involved.

So since all three of us are involved in this case together, there's going to be a lot of interaction.

It makes sense that you are finding it particularly hard now with all of this going on. When you don't have that much contact with your father, do you perhaps find it somewhat easier then accepting the reality of who he is?

I emailed my dad about my daughter, then he called me and my brother called me. I still find my dad more supportive then my ex. I haven't told him about the situation.

In what ways do you feel your dad is supportive?

I think you are right that I need to let go of my fantasy dad, and accept the fact he is disordered. I even walked him through his disorder and pointed out a couple of traits to him. He wasn't in denial about it however he will never see a psychotherapist. His stepdad was a psychiatrist and he said he will never pay someone to listen to him.

Do you know what kind of relationship your father had with his stepdad?

What can I do to accept my dad for who he is and let go?

Acceptance is hard. I know you are already familiar with the material about radical acceptance on this site. This is something that might always remain hard, it just isn't an easy thing to do to accept that our disordered parents have never been the loving and supportive parents we needed and that they likely won't ever be. Something that might help is whenever you feel the urge to reach out to your dad for support, to consider how that has worked so far and how he usually reacts to you. Keeping that in mind, might make it easier for you to look for other solutions or try to give yourself the support that you would have liked to have gotten from your dad.

[unicorn2014]

In what ways do you feel your dad is supportive?

My dad is being more supportive then my brother, I got this email from him to our attorney saying some really nasty stuff and I was shocked.

I think you are right that I need to let go of my fantasy dad, and accept the fact he is disordered. I even walked him through his disorder and pointed out a couple of traits to him. He wasn't in denial about it however he will never see a psychotherapist. His stepdad was a psychiatrist and he said he will never pay someone to listen to him.

Do you know what kind of relationship your father had with his stepdad?

They had a falling out but then they repaired the relationship, I think.

What can I do to accept my dad for who he is and let go?

Acceptance is hard. I know you are already familiar with the material about radical acceptance on this site. This is something that might always remain hard, it just isn't an easy thing to do to accept that our disordered parents have never been the loving and supportive parents we needed and that they likely won't ever be. Something that might help is whenever you feel the urge to reach out to your dad for support, to consider how that has worked so far and how he usually reacts to you. Keeping that in mind, might make it easier for you to look for other solutions or try to give yourself the support that you would have liked to have gotten from your dad.

That's about where its at right now as my partner has ceased to support me as well because of a decision I had to make not to talk to him about my daughter due to his current marital and geographic status.

I'm feeling quite alone right now.