Adult child with BDF

[CMom]

Hi,

My adult daughter has BPD very badly.  She is 43 years old and has 3 children, girls who are the love of my life.  I have been a single parent almost all of my adult life and raised 2 daughters by myself.  This younger daughter is a heartache to me so that at times I feel as if I am losing it.  I have bailed her out since she was 15.  She has nearly bankrupted me emotionally, financially etc.  she is separated from her husband and she is mostly to blame for this.  She is about to lose her job and my counselor said I am absolutely not to bail her out.  I am now worried sick about my granddaughters.  She threw me out of her house 3 weeks ago because I asked her about her job.  She tells me I bring on the abuse myself (implying I deserve it).  No one understands how upset I am over these 3 beautiful granddaughters.  They are 10, 8 and 7.  I believe her symptoms correspond to her father my exhusband.  I am joining this support group to give me strength to carry on.  I just turned 70 and there are days I just feel so hopeless.  Thank you to anyone who responds.  Bunchamuncha 1

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bpdmom1]

Big hugs to you!

I wish I had something to say to help.  You aren't alone.  My daughter is much younger, but we've been riding her rolling coaster for a long time.  It sounds that you've been riding this for much longer. 

Probably best for all of us riding these emotional roller coasters is to get off.  I know I'm strapped in pretty tight.

[Huat]

Hello CMom!

I, too, am in my 70's and have been riding this roller coaster with our daughter since she was 12 (now 50).   Seems there are many on this Board, including me, who DO understand how upsetting your situation is.  Isn't that great to find that out?

Because of all the drama (custody battles, etc. with the different fathers of her children) we were surrogate parents to our granddaughters (now 24 and 26).  In our daughter's eyes, we were great parents for a bit... .then all of a sudden we (well... .ME, her Mom) would be the cause of all her problems.  With all that said, when her world would fall apart, I was the one she would come to... .and the roller coaster ride would continue.

You are going to have to do your homework here.  You can't change someone else... .but you can change YOU... .and in that process... .you MIGHT change her.  I made the mistake over the years of "re-acting"... .fuelled her fire.  Oh things might have been so, so different had I had different tools in my arsenal!

It is heartbreaking that your grandchildren are so young and I remember feeling so helpless when ours were little.  Thankfully they are adults now... .but they have their problems. As a counselor told us, "you have to remember that they were brought up under an umbrella of mental illness."

Getting feedback here is going to give you strength... .just in finding out that there really are people out there who walk similar paths.  No one in our circle of friends/family can relate to us... .and they are uncomfortable to have the subject come up... .because they just don't know what to say.

I can only imagine what it must be like being a single parent but, with that said, harmony between bonded parents is not always the case.  My husband and I are now married 54 years and most of our "disagreements" have been over our children/grandchildren.  He never was our daughter's target and closed his eyes to so much and I felt isolated so many times.

Hang in there, Toots!  Take one day at a time and don't expect miracles.  Learn to accept what is and make sure to look after yourself first.  Venting on this Board will be part of your learning/healing.

[CMom]

Thank you so much for your reply.  It is nice to know I am not alone.  God bless.  CM.

[CMom]

Thank you for your reply.  God bless.  CM.

[Rockieplace]

We all have so much in common on here.  For a start, we all care!  I suppose if we didn't and were the sort of parents who didn't give a jot then we certainly wouldn't be on here at all.

It is so much more heartbreaking when there are grandchildren involved in my opinion and my heart goes out to you.  I've been reading all the advice, lessons, workshops on here and they do really help.  People say 'look after yourself' which is absolutely the right thing to do but how to do it is another matter!  Others on here are much better qualified to advise you but just know that, as others have already said, you are not alone by any means and we are all rooting for you! 

[CMom]

Thank you for your reply.  God bless.  CM.  

[CMom]

Thank you so much for your reply.  It is nice to know I am not alone.  God bless.  CM.

. My sister in Florida said she doesn't want to hear any more about my daughter.  It was very hurtful to me.

[Rockieplace]

  People who aren't affected by this illness really don't understand.  Most of my family just think my BPDD33 is just 'a piece of work'.  Sometimes I've thought the same.  Try not to take it personally.  It is quite isolating because of this but, at least on here, you can feel a little less alone!    

[CMom]

Thank you for your kind words.  My sister has 2 unmarried sons in their late 30's not married and no grandchildren.  However, it is still hurtful but thanks for your kind words.  CM.

[CMom]

To:HUAT

I ask you for prayers because I consider my daughter totally incurable.  I am so consumed with worry for my grandchildren.  I haven't seen them in a month and this is part of her manipulative behavior to punish me if I am not doing exactly what she wants.  Your post was very helpful. Yesterday I picked up the book, walking on Eggshells.  It was very helpful.  Thank you again for your post.  CM

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Slipping]

Oh CMom, I totally understand your feelings of hopelessness. This is such a cruel illness and the pain it causes is all too real.  My DD is 29, still undiagnosed (officially) and sounds so much like your daughter.  She too seems to feel that I am the source of her problems and that I "bring it on myself" (as you said) when she is angry at me.  And my family doesn't understand either.  That's why this board is so wonderful, people who will not only listen but totally get it.

When I first found out about BPD, my first thoughts were "Oh GREAT, a diagnosis!  Now they can fix her!"  Then I realized that any treatment would require her cooperation (not going to happen right now) and would take a long time even if I could convince her to go.

I think it's natural that you've struggled and sacrificed (emotionally and financially) for so long and you just finally despair of a cure.  The thing is, she may never (or may be, we don't know) be "cured," but there are so many things you can do to make things better for yourself. 

As I worked through the lessons here and learned about how to validate her emotions, I can honestly tell you that I have at least some sort of relationship with my daughter again.  It took several months, but the change was very real.  It is hard to accept that I had to change, but when I saw it working, I didn't care any longer who was changing... .I was willling to do anything to stop the pain we were all in.  I had to learn to manage my own emotions too.  Part of that was learning everything I could about BPD.  The more I was able to understand that my DD had a mental illness and that the behaviors that looked so deliberate were actually causing her enormous pain too, the more I was able to understand and cope with her outbursts.  My validation became much more authentic and she accepted it much better. And I had to learn to live in this moment and not worry about tomorrow's trouble.  You'll see this mentioned as mindfulness and it truly did make my life much more manageable.

I don't have grandchildren, but my heart goes out to you.  You said that you're worried sick about them, and I can only imagine what that must be like.  I hope that you learn skills here that help with your DD, and in turn perhaps help you to see your grandchildren.  As I've been reading here for awhile, it seems like our BPDs who cut off contact with us will eventually find that they need us again. 

I'd also like to suggest another book that might help you.  I read "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" and it actually gave me a sense of hope.  It was a compassionate look at the person suffering with BPD and concrete skills for family members.  The review is here: https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorder

Many hugs to you 

[CMom]

Dear Slipping,

Thank you so very much for your sage advice.  I am in counseling now to try and cope with my daughter.  It is very difficult because my counselor wants me to give her more responsibility.  Now, she may even lose her job.  I will get the book you recommended.  Whenever anything goes wrong in her life she blames me.  She is also very verbally abusive.  If she did not have these 3 beautiful girls, who I babysat for 10 years, I would totally cut her off.  I have rescued her for the past 20 years, and my counselor wants me to stop.  My fear is if she goes down do the children go down with her.  She is a single mother who, I believe, was largely responsible for the demise of the marriage.  Her exhusband blames me for "enabling" her.  She is a total disaster.  I raised both of my girls from very young ages as a single parent.  Paid for college, their weddings etc.  their father did nothing and now they both treat him better than me.  Please pray for me as I truly believe only prayer is going to get me through.  Thank you again. CMom