Advice - Ex, shared custody, and getting along

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So exWife and I are in the midst of selling the house. NC is extremely hard with her as we have two kids in a 50/50 arrangement. Some days she ignores me others she wants to talk.

Today was not a fun day on the scope of things:

We had a verbal agreement to clean up the house this weekend starting Saturday (house goes on market Monday).

She called and said she could not make it because she had work stuff. This lead to an escalating verbal argument on the phone which eventually led me to hang up on her after I told her I will not continue to listen to her demeaning words.

About an hour later she calls. I don't answer.  Then she sends a text to apologize for 'bailing' but not for her meanness on the phone. I didn't respond as I know I am not in a good frame to talk to her. Cleaning the house was a pain as I have the two kids (my week). So taking things to Goodwill and to my house and painting became extra long as I have to take them with me (age 3 and 5). 4 hours later as I am almost ready to wrap up, she calls again and I ignore. 30 minutes she arrives at the house; and well, all hell breaks loose. She rages louder than she has in a long while. Blames me for the relationship failing; tons of projection, tons of blame. For the most part I did not get too wrapped up in the conversation. Walked away when she started screaming (that got her more angry). She used the children a bit as collateral and I said she could not say the things she is saying legally (in the parenting plan). At one point I raised my voice with her, but I just said blah, blah, blah (literally) at a very loud volume. It was kind of childish, but I was like this whole yelling thing is dumb; I was trying to clean up paint supplies and couldn't just leave. Then we went into new territory; said I really never liked her that much, that my other relationship (13 years) was better, and this one wasn't much of anything. All of this was after she said I was bad at relationships. She pretty much broke down after this; crying and distraught that I did not value the relationship we had. At this point I wasn't sure it was my kindness or codependency kicking in (I was doing so well... .even in this fight), but I consoled her at this point. Not even sure if she was faking. I am not certain if I was more worried about our relationship due to the kids or I was in fact more worried about how bad I may have hurt her. Definitely T material for next week. I know a lot of times she just reaches out about the kids so she can talk to me. I feel like I am not her validation point anymore. What would you guys do? What stories such as this have you had?

[tryingsome]

So exWife and I are in the midst of selling the house. NC is extremely hard with her as we have two kids in a 50/50 arrangement. Some days she ignores me others she wants to talk.

Today was not a fun day on the scope of things:

We had a verbal agreement to clean up the house this weekend starting Saturday (house goes on market Monday).

She called and said she could not make it because she had work stuff. This lead to an escalating verbal argument on the phone which eventually led me to hang up on her after I told her I will not continue to listen to her demeaning words.

About an hour later she calls. I don't answer.  Then she sends a text to apologize for 'bailing' but not for her meanness on the phone. I didn't respond as I know I am not in a good frame to talk to her. Cleaning the house was a pain as I have the two kids (my week). So taking things to Goodwill and to my house and painting became extra long as I have to take them with me (age 3 and 5). 4 hours later as I am almost ready to wrap up, she calls again and I ignore. 30 minutes she arrives at the house; and well, all hell breaks loose. She rages louder than she has in a long while. Blames me for the relationship failing; tons of projection, tons of blame. For the most part I did not get too wrapped up in the conversation. Walked away when she started screaming (that got her more angry). She used the children a bit as collateral and I said she could not say the things she is saying legally (in the parenting plan). At one point I raised my voice with her, but I just said blah, blah, blah (literally) at a very loud volume. It was kind of childish, but I was like this whole yelling thing is dumb; I was trying to clean up paint supplies and couldn't just leave. Then we went into new territory; said I really never liked her that much, that my other relationship (13 years) was better, and this one wasn't much of anything. All of this was after she said I was bad at relationships. She pretty much broke down after this; crying and distraught that I did not value the relationship we had. At this point I wasn't sure it was my kindness or codependency kicking in (I was doing so well... .even in this fight), but I consoled her at this point. Not even sure if she was faking. I am not certain if I was more worried about our relationship due to the kids or I was in fact more worried about how bad I may have hurt her. Definitely T material for next week. I know a lot of times she just reaches out about the kids so she can talk to me. I feel like I am not her validation point anymore. What would you guys do? What stories such as this have you had?

[tryingsome]

we had been getting along so well as far a coparenting... .

[C.Stein]

Then we went into new territory; said I really never liked her that much, that my other relationship (13 years) was better, and this one wasn't much of anything. All of this was after she said I was bad at relationships.

I know how hard it is to not respond when your buttons are pushed ... .my ex was a pro at pushing my buttons.  But I always felt guilty (and still do) for letting her push me over the edge.  It is not who I am nor do I want to be (goaded or not).

Given the circumstances of shared custody this was probably not something that should have been said, angry or not.  I think you know this.  I believe anyone, disordered or not, would be extremely hurt being devalued like that.  For a borderline it is probably way worse.  What done is done but you will probably need to find someway to repair the damage done because there will potentially be some backlash as a result.

My advice, as hard as it may be, is to not let her bring you down to her level.  You have to interact with her because of the kids and you need to find a way to do it without all the conflict.  Nothing good will come from continually letting her drag you into these arguments and confrontations.  If you can't remove yourself from the situation or diffuse the situation with validation, then IMO silence is better than lashing out and throwing fuel on the fire.