New here, nc with mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello... .This is my first post. I am a 30 year old female and although my mom has not been diagnosed (to my knowledge), I believe she has BPD. I have known for a long time that there was something wrong with her, but I spent most of my childhood "playing the part" of whatever would keep her calm and content. I learned to say the right things at the right time, use the right facial expression at the right time, etc, to pass all of her little tests and keep her happy. Some days I missed a cue, didn't smile at her quickly enough or not enough joy in my voice when I greeted her or whatever, and it would send her off into a fury about how bad my attitude was and how rude and spoiled and disrespectful I was. If I tried to explain that I didn't have a bad attitude but just had something else on my mind or had a bad day at school, she would only get more angry. Some days it seemed like maybe she was already in a bad mood from something else and there was no way I could win. When she was angry I would just stay in my room to avoid her, sometimes almost the whole day, going to sleep hungry because that was better than risking a trip to the kitchen and possibly having to encounter her along the way.  There was no physical abuse, just very scary stares and comments. I feared that if I went downstairs to get food, she would confront me and say things that would shame me further. I think she would do things like this as a power trip. Usually by the next morning she was smiley and chipper and we somehow had an unspoken agreement to pretend as if nothing happened,  and I was back to playing the part of the perfect daughter. The only exceptions were times that she took something from me as a punishment, in which case I would just patiently wait in a state of confusion until she would bring it up that if I felt I had learned my lesson then I could have it back. For the record, I was a very easy kid to raise; never in trouble, very honest and responsible, decent grades and hardworking in the areas that I showed talent. And of course, always trying my best to smile and comment on cue for her, be funny when she wanted, sensitive when she wanted, smart and insightful when she wanted, etc. I got pretty good at reading which daughter she wanted when, and delivering, as to avoid further stress.

As an adult, playing this part became difficult to do while also trying to manage my own adult life. The very fact that I was living my own adult life was one thing she was not happy about, and would make me feel guilty for growing up. She made several implications that she was shocked that I did not move back home to live with her after college. Something along the lines of "daughters are not supposed to leave their moms." This was several years ago, when I was already living completely independent of her for quite a while (I have lived completely independent since graduating college). She would get angry if I did not respond to her quickly enough when she called or emailed. She would complain that I did not tell her enough about what was going on in my life, when in reality I did try to share my experiences  with her but her response was always some mix of disinterest and judgement. Around the age of 25 I started to realize that I could no longer play the part because she was only satisfied if I played it 100% to HER liking, which would mean not living any sort of life independent of her. I would try to tell her about good things in my life (job stuff, fiancé stuff, fun activities with friends like traveling, volunteer work, positive activities I was involved in) but I began to realize that she perceived any of my successes as a threat to her. For me to have good things in my life should have made a mom happy, but the only thing she saw was that those things did not include her. So to continue playing the part (because still, anytime I failed to play the part, I was met with emotional abuse, shameful guilt trips, and criticism) I had to figure out how to juggle all of the things in my adult life PLUS show her enough attention to make her happy PLUS tell her enough about my life to make her feel included but not enough to make her feel threatened and abandoned.  And if work was busy or a friend had an emergency and I couldn't respond quickly enough, I knew I could look forward to a voicemail or email about how I have moved on and abandoned her. SO, I finally got tired of it, and realized I can't spend the rest of my life like that, and just like that, I stopped playing the part. And that's when it all started to really hit the fan... .

Things quickly got a lot worse, but I stuck to it. I did not play the part anymore. I set boundaries. I stuck to my boundaries. For the first time in my entire life, I was honest with her. This was also the first time in my life that I talked about my feelings at all really, since she had programmed me from an early age that I was not entitled to them... I told her how I felt when she said certain things. I told her I don't want to listen to her talk bad about other people. I told her I don't want to listen to her talk bad about ME! I told her I don't want to listen to her complain about how she is the victim of everything that is wrong in her life, unless she is genuinely looking for a way to fix it rather than just complain about it.

That lasted about a year and a half off and on, mixed with blocks of no communication and then blocks of trying to have communication with these boundaries. Communication was not working so well. She would twist my words around and turn them into something really horrible, and so far away from anything I would ever think, and then she would quote me on saying these horrible things, either by throwing it back in my face later on or even telling other people that I said these things.

Fast forward to present day - I have been no contact for a while now. For a while we went to email only, and now nothing at all. The more that I stuck with my boundaries, the meaner she got. She has said a few things that are so mean and intentionally hurtful that I had to cut her off.

She thinks she has done nothing wrong and that all of her behavior is justified. She sees herself as the victim in every situation. In my whole entire life, I have only heard her say the words "I'm sorry" once. It was rare rough to be memorable, and it was over something unimportant enough that she wouldn't worry about looking bad. I don't anticipate that she will be saying it anytime soon.

[Bonfire]

Hello... .This is my first post. I am a 30 year old female and although my mom has not been diagnosed (to my knowledge), I believe she has BPD. I have known for a long time that there was something wrong with her, but I spent most of my childhood "playing the part" of whatever would keep her calm and content. I learned to say the right things at the right time, use the right facial expression at the right time, etc, to pass all of her little tests and keep her happy. Some days I missed a cue, didn't smile at her quickly enough or not enough joy in my voice when I greeted her or whatever, and it would send her off into a fury about how bad my attitude was and how rude and spoiled and disrespectful I was. If I tried to explain that I didn't have a bad attitude but just had something else on my mind or had a bad day at school, she would only get more angry. Some days it seemed like maybe she was already in a bad mood from something else and there was no way I could win. When she was angry I would just stay in my room to avoid her, sometimes almost the whole day, going to sleep hungry because that was better than risking a trip to the kitchen and possibly having to encounter her along the way.  There was no physical abuse, just very scary stares and comments. I feared that if I went downstairs to get food, she would confront me and say things that would shame me further. I think she would do things like this as a power trip. Usually by the next morning she was smiley and chipper and we somehow had an unspoken agreement to pretend as if nothing happened,  and I was back to playing the part of the perfect daughter. The only exceptions were times that she took something from me as a punishment, in which case I would just patiently wait in a state of confusion until she would bring it up that if I felt I had learned my lesson then I could have it back. For the record, I was a very easy kid to raise; never in trouble, very honest and responsible, decent grades and hardworking in the areas that I showed talent. And of course, always trying my best to smile and comment on cue for her, be funny when she wanted, sensitive when she wanted, smart and insightful when she wanted, etc. I got pretty good at reading which daughter she wanted when, and delivering, as to avoid further stress.

As an adult, playing this part became difficult to do while also trying to manage my own adult life. The very fact that I was living my own adult life was one thing she was not happy about, and would make me feel guilty for growing up. She made several implications that she was shocked that I did not move back home to live with her after college. Something along the lines of "daughters are not supposed to leave their moms." This was several years ago, when I was already living completely independent of her for quite a while (I have lived completely independent since graduating college). She would get angry if I did not respond to her quickly enough when she called or emailed. She would complain that I did not tell her enough about what was going on in my life, when in reality I did try to share my experiences  with her but her response was always some mix of disinterest and judgement. Around the age of 25 I started to realize that I could no longer play the part because she was only satisfied if I played it 100% to HER liking, which would mean not living any sort of life independent of her. I would try to tell her about good things in my life (job stuff, fiancé stuff, fun activities with friends like traveling, volunteer work, positive activities I was involved in) but I began to realize that she perceived any of my successes as a threat to her. For me to have good things in my life should have made a mom happy, but the only thing she saw was that those things did not include her. So to continue playing the part (because still, anytime I failed to play the part, I was met with emotional abuse, shameful guilt trips, and criticism) I had to figure out how to juggle all of the things in my adult life PLUS show her enough attention to make her happy PLUS tell her enough about my life to make her feel included but not enough to make her feel threatened and abandoned.  And if work was busy or a friend had an emergency and I couldn't respond quickly enough, I knew I could look forward to a voicemail or email about how I have moved on and abandoned her. SO, I finally got tired of it, and realized I can't spend the rest of my life like that, and just like that, I stopped playing the part. And that's when it all started to really hit the fan... .

Things quickly got a lot worse, but I stuck to it. I did not play the part anymore. I set boundaries. I stuck to my boundaries. For the first time in my entire life, I was honest with her. This was also the first time in my life that I talked about my feelings at all really, since she had programmed me from an early age that I was not entitled to them... I told her how I felt when she said certain things. I told her I don't want to listen to her talk bad about other people. I told her I don't want to listen to her talk bad about ME! I told her I don't want to listen to her complain about how she is the victim of everything that is wrong in her life, unless she is genuinely looking for a way to fix it rather than just complain about it.

That lasted about a year and a half off and on, mixed with blocks of no communication and then blocks of trying to have communication with these boundaries. Communication was not working so well. She would twist my words around and turn them into something really horrible, and so far away from anything I would ever think, and then she would quote me on saying these horrible things, either by throwing it back in my face later on or even telling other people that I said these things.

Fast forward to present day - I have been no contact for a while now. For a while we went to email only, and now nothing at all. The more that I stuck with my boundaries, the meaner she got. She has said a few things that are so mean and intentionally hurtful that I had to cut her off.

She thinks she has done nothing wrong and that all of her behavior is justified. She sees herself as the victim in every situation. In my whole entire life, I have only heard her say the words "I'm sorry" once. It was rare rough to be memorable, and it was over something unimportant enough that she wouldn't worry about looking bad. I don't anticipate that she will be saying it anytime soon.

[Turkish]

Hi Bonfire,

As sad as it might be that your mother retreated back into her shell while you blossomed into an independent woman, your story is inspirational.

You took back your power, the right to have your own idenity, and stopped being your mother's little china doll. It's also sad that you don't have the mother you want or should have. What about your father, has he ever been in the picture?

On a logical level, you probably came to realize the fact that you're not responsible for her feelings. On an emotional level, how accepting of this do you feel at this point?

We can help you with communications if there is further engagement, and it's a fine line between validating and enabling. We have tools which may help.

Thanks for posting your story, Bonfire, and



Turkish

[nowitmakessense]

Hi there   It was good to read your story... .I think we might have the same mother! I have just recently gotten to the point where I can't play the part anymore, and I am also NC, but it has only been a few weeks.  Would you mind answering something for me? I find myself happy to not deal with her, and happy that I was finally able to be honest and set a boundary, but weirdly I keep wondering how long it will be before she calls. Do you feel this way at all about your mother? I think for me it might be guilt, because like you I was trained to not be allowed to gave feelings that she didn't agree with, and I finally told her my feelings ( and it was only a small thing!) I'm just wondering if you are relieved yet anxious at the same time, as I seem to be, or if that only happens at first after NC and then you stop worrying.  I know we are all different, but seriously I can really relate to your experience and am curious about how the NC affects you.  Hope you are doing well, thank you for sharing your story, it is good to know that there are other people who have mothers like this. Take care 

[Bonfire]

Hi Turkish, thanks for the welcome!

Nowitmakessense - yes! It comes and goes, and is way less often and less strong now, but sometimes I still get an unpleasant wave of anxiety when I check my email, worried that there might be something from her. Especially around holiday times, I worry she might reach out. Or if there is something going on in my life that she hears about through the grapevine, I worry she will contact me. On the other hand, although I do not want to hear from her, knowing realistically that it would only be mean and hurtful, I sometimes feel sad about it also, wishing there would be an email saying she has somehow been struck by a major epiphany and sees things clearly now. I know this is an unrealistic hope, but sometimes my mind toys with the idea anyway.

I also worried in the beginning that she would show up at my work or any of the places she knows I go for activities and hobbies. Or I worry she will get angry one day and write something bad about me on my work's Facebook page. I hate to sound paranoid, but she has done similar things to others in the past, and one time when we were off and on in low contact she made a comment that she had considered showing up at my work to make me face her and talk to her. The thought still enters my mind from time to time, but since she hasn't done it yet and has not tried to contact me at all in a while, I try not to worry about it.

[Turkish]

"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

It sounds like you have some anxiety about your mother interferring with your work, even if it isn't consuming you. Do you have a safety plan to deal with this if she goes down that path?

[nowitmakessense]

I understand your anxiety. Thank you for telling me about it, I'm feeling similar... .when the phone rings I don't want to answer, I'm going to get caller ID. I know for sure she is saying horrible things about me to my sister, she idealizes and then throws us away, kind of on rotation... .so I know if we are not talking that she is talking to someone, and it's never good! How long have you been completely nc? I surely hope she never shows up at your work, that would be so stressful! I know my mother would if she could, she doesn't care about how anything she does affects me. Thankfully I live 3000 miles away. Wishing you a peaceful and happy day.

[nowitmakessense]

"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

I like that Turkish... .just worry about today, not what might possibly happen in a bad way tomorrow.  Today has enough.  Thank you for that