I'm torn on what to do with my ex (NC or not)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Let me preface this by saying that I am talking about my ex-girlfriend from three years ago who is, as of last Summer, diagnosed with BPD. After we broke up in 2013, I went no contact for an entire year. There was then very little long-distance contact for about half a year after that. Then she moved back in with her dad who lives about 10 minutes away from me towards the end of 2014.

Since she's been back, I've talked to her, seen her, helped her, and have slept with her on and off. She has had about 6 or 7 boyfriends since moving back here, and they've all lasted a month or less. When she's in a relationship, I barely hear from her. Sometimes I didn't hear from her at all because we just weren't speaking for other reasons. However, every time she does break up with a guy, no matter what the case may be, she contacts me. She asks to see me. She tells me how she isn't doing well, how she isn't eating (she suffers from anorexia nervosa), how she wants to run away, how she wants to die, how she's strapped for cash, ect. And what do I do? I come to her rescue. Every. Single. Time. I even paid her so she could start doing DBT, although that's been put on hold for now (she's had about 4 or 5 sessions already). I won't be covering that any longer, however.

My ex has literally no one in her life that she's close with. Her relationship with her dad is non-existent. She has a mom who's a drug addict who she doesn't speak to. She has a half brother who she doesn't speak to. She has a sister who she isn't particularly close with either, but they talk every now and then. She has no friends that are girls. She dropped out of high school in Grade 8 (she did end up graduating later on though). She's moved 28 times in her life. The only way she meets people (aka men) is off either Plenty of Fish or Tinder, but out of all the countless men she has talked to/met/slept with/dated/ect, none of them are close to her and know her like I do. She confides with me above all else. I am her fallback, the one she looks to in times of need. It's my fault for this, I'm sure. If I were to have continually just said no to her, she probably would've realized that I was of no use to her and then looked elsewhere. But, that's not the case. I'm still stuck in the FOG.

Right now she is staying with me at my parents' house but on Wednesday I will be helping her move into her own place. I let her move in at the beginning of February because she had nowhere else to go, according to her. The first week we spent together brought up a lot of old feelings I still had for her.

One night we were sitting together on the couch and she said to me, "I love you." Hearing her say that caused me to have an immediate panic attack. I just didn't know how to process what she said. She then tried to comfort me by saying stupid stuff like, "It's OK. Don't worry. Calm down. Just think about the Summer, all the girls, how you like being single during that time of the year. Forget about it." Another night, when I was in bed already and she was up in the other room, she sent me a text message to wish me luck on my exam which was the following morning and ended it with "love you". And another night while we were cuddling in bed together she said, "I love you". I told her I loved her as well.

So one day I decided to really discuss with her what she had been repeatedly saying to me, and she completely downplayed it. "What? I can't just love you as a person?" I'm sorry, but there's no freaking way she wasn't experiencing any feelings for me at all when she said to me, "I love you." The way she'd touch me, kiss me... .There's just no way. I don't buy it. Another part of me thinks that maybe she just felt like she loved me in the moment? I don't know. I'm dealing with somebody, an ex-girlfriend for that matter, who has BPD.

By the way, I'm going to be leaving out a huge part of the story here just to speed things along. But basically, I had to ask her to leave around the end of February because she wanted to hook up with random guys while living with me and my parents and I just wasn't comfortable with that. She left but ended up back at my place last Tuesday after this guy she got herself involved with turned out to be crazy and abusive.

But yeah, I still love my ex. She cheated on me and broke my heart, but I still love her. Feels pathetic, really. She's not even much of a catch if I'm being honest. My problem is though... .I can't be with her. Even if she were to ask me (and she has) to date her again, I don't think I could do it. I just don't think I could fully trust her or believe that it would last very long. I can't imagine giving myself entirely to my ex again only to have her break my heart once more. I'd feel like such a fool.

It bothers me even knowing that right this instant she's on Plenty of Fish and Tinder talking to guys/looking for a relationship. I want to be with this girl but yet at the same time I feel like I can't. It's so hard to take. I feel like once I get her settled in to her new place, I need to vanish. I know she'll hate me for that. She'll guilt trip me and tell me how bad of a person/friend I am to abandon her like that.

I already know for a fact that once she's moved out, she'll start to go on actual meet ups/dates with guys, so I figure she'll eventually find herself a new relationship, and I don't want to be around when that happens. I want to detach now. I've been sleeping/staying in separate room from her since she's come back because I just don't want to see her constantly on her phone using PoF and Tinder.

How am I even supposed to explain this to her? "Yeah, I don't think I can be apart of your life anymore as your friend because I still have feelings for you and love you. I don't necessarily want to be with you, or at least the current you either." It sounds stupid and selfish.

[paperlung]

Let me preface this by saying that I am talking about my ex-girlfriend from three years ago who is, as of last Summer, diagnosed with BPD. After we broke up in 2013, I went no contact for an entire year. There was then very little long-distance contact for about half a year after that. Then she moved back in with her dad who lives about 10 minutes away from me towards the end of 2014.

Since she's been back, I've talked to her, seen her, helped her, and have slept with her on and off. She has had about 6 or 7 boyfriends since moving back here, and they've all lasted a month or less. When she's in a relationship, I barely hear from her. Sometimes I didn't hear from her at all because we just weren't speaking for other reasons. However, every time she does break up with a guy, no matter what the case may be, she contacts me. She asks to see me. She tells me how she isn't doing well, how she isn't eating (she suffers from anorexia nervosa), how she wants to run away, how she wants to die, how she's strapped for cash, ect. And what do I do? I come to her rescue. Every. Single. Time. I even paid her so she could start doing DBT, although that's been put on hold for now (she's had about 4 or 5 sessions already). I won't be covering that any longer, however.

My ex has literally no one in her life that she's close with. Her relationship with her dad is non-existent. She has a mom who's a drug addict who she doesn't speak to. She has a half brother who she doesn't speak to. She has a sister who she isn't particularly close with either, but they talk every now and then. She has no friends that are girls. She dropped out of high school in Grade 8 (she did end up graduating later on though). She's moved 28 times in her life. The only way she meets people (aka men) is off either Plenty of Fish or Tinder, but out of all the countless men she has talked to/met/slept with/dated/ect, none of them are close to her and know her like I do. She confides with me above all else. I am her fallback, the one she looks to in times of need. It's my fault for this, I'm sure. If I were to have continually just said no to her, she probably would've realized that I was of no use to her and then looked elsewhere. But, that's not the case. I'm still stuck in the FOG.

Right now she is staying with me at my parents' house but on Wednesday I will be helping her move into her own place. I let her move in at the beginning of February because she had nowhere else to go, according to her. The first week we spent together brought up a lot of old feelings I still had for her.

One night we were sitting together on the couch and she said to me, "I love you." Hearing her say that caused me to have an immediate panic attack. I just didn't know how to process what she said. She then tried to comfort me by saying stupid stuff like, "It's OK. Don't worry. Calm down. Just think about the Summer, all the girls, how you like being single during that time of the year. Forget about it." Another night, when I was in bed already and she was up in the other room, she sent me a text message to wish me luck on my exam which was the following morning and ended it with "love you". And another night while we were cuddling in bed together she said, "I love you". I told her I loved her as well.

So one day I decided to really discuss with her what she had been repeatedly saying to me, and she completely downplayed it. "What? I can't just love you as a person?" I'm sorry, but there's no freaking way she wasn't experiencing any feelings for me at all when she said to me, "I love you." The way she'd touch me, kiss me... .There's just no way. I don't buy it. Another part of me thinks that maybe she just felt like she loved me in the moment? I don't know. I'm dealing with somebody, an ex-girlfriend for that matter, who has BPD.

By the way, I'm going to be leaving out a huge part of the story here just to speed things along. But basically, I had to ask her to leave around the end of February because she wanted to hook up with random guys while living with me and my parents and I just wasn't comfortable with that. She left but ended up back at my place last Tuesday after this guy she got herself involved with turned out to be crazy and abusive.

But yeah, I still love my ex. She cheated on me and broke my heart, but I still love her. Feels pathetic, really. She's not even much of a catch if I'm being honest. My problem is though... .I can't be with her. Even if she were to ask me (and she has) to date her again, I don't think I could do it. I just don't think I could fully trust her or believe that it would last very long. I can't imagine giving myself entirely to my ex again only to have her break my heart once more. I'd feel like such a fool.

It bothers me even knowing that right this instant she's on Plenty of Fish and Tinder talking to guys/looking for a relationship. I want to be with this girl but yet at the same time I feel like I can't. It's so hard to take. I feel like once I get her settled in to her new place, I need to vanish. I know she'll hate me for that. She'll guilt trip me and tell me how bad of a person/friend I am to abandon her like that.

I already know for a fact that once she's moved out, she'll start to go on actual meet ups/dates with guys, so I figure she'll eventually find herself a new relationship, and I don't want to be around when that happens. I want to detach now. I've been sleeping/staying in separate room from her since she's come back because I just don't want to see her constantly on her phone using PoF and Tinder.

How am I even supposed to explain this to her? "Yeah, I don't think I can be apart of your life anymore as your friend because I still have feelings for you and love you. I don't necessarily want to be with you, or at least the current you either." It sounds stupid and selfish.

[Ab123]

It doesn't sound stupid or selfish. It actually sounds reasonable and loving. You love her and care for her, but recognize that she isn't good for you. It's like on an airplane where you have to put on your oxygen mask first. You can't help anyone if you aren't okay yourself. Her problems won't be made better by allowing her to treat you badly and hurt you.

She may or may not understand. But, you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you are a good person.

[Fr4nz]

Spot on ab. Paperlung, I'd say that, as in the case of most BPDs, she seeks validation/attentions, and you give them to her magnificently. That's why she loves you, in her own way.

However, we all know that once you're painted black, it's impossible to be "pure white" again, hence her need to continuously find new, potential partners to reply her "fusional fantasies".

Paper, it's time to focus on you now. Even if we know that this woman is, deep down, a good, loving and caring person, her disorder makes a sane relationship impossible. She will end up hurting you, possibly very badly, and you know that. Indeed, the fact that she wants to have sex with other men while living with you is a crystal-clear proof of this.

They don't understand the concept of boundaries, so you'll have to enforce them.

It seems you're kinda stuck, which I completely understand anyway... .however, it's definitely time to focus on you.

A big hug!

[paperlung]

Well, I kind of told her today how I felt and it didn't go over so well with her. Basically, I explained how I wouldn't be buying her a new bed from IKEA on Wednesday (the day I help her move) because I didn't want to do her anymore favors (she would pay me back next week for the bed she said, but I want to start NC after Wednesday). I told her that I wanted to detach myself from her, move on, ect. She got mad at me and then called me a crappy friend.

Some guy she started talking to off POF or Tinder who she has never even met before picked her up from my house a couple of hours ago to take her back to her place to "pack". I know my ex better than that, though. She's going back to her place with him so she can have sex.

It doesn't sound stupid or selfish. It actually sounds reasonable and loving. You love her and care for her, but recognize that she isn't good for you. It's like on an airplane where you have to put on your oxygen mask first. You can't help anyone if you aren't okay yourself. Her problems won't be made better by allowing her to treat you badly and hurt you.

She may or may not understand. But, you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you are a good person.

In her eyes, if I really loved her and cared for her though, then I wouldn't abandon her.

Spot on ab. Paperlung, I'd say that, as in the case of most BPDs, she seeks validation/attentions, and you give them to her magnificently. That's why she loves you, in her own way.

However, we all know that once you're painted black, it's impossible to be "pure white" again, hence her need to continuously find new, potential partners to reply her "fusional fantasies".

Paper, it's time to focus on you now. Even if we know that this woman is, deep down, a good, loving and caring person, her disorder makes a sane relationship impossible. She will end up hurting you, possibly very badly, and you know that. Indeed, the fact that she wants to have sex with other men while living with you is a crystal-clear proof of this.

They don't understand the concept of boundaries, so you'll have to enforce them.

It seems you're kinda stuck, which I completely understand anyway... .however, it's definitely time to focus on you.

A big hug!

Thank you. This is going to be an awkward move now on Wednesday. Maybe she won't even ask me to do it anymore and get this new guy to do it instead. From the looks of it, he's got a pretty big truck.

[C.Stein]

I told her that I wanted to detach myself from her, move on, ect.

I feel this is the best decision you can make here.  She is using you and will continue to do so as long as you let her.

[zeus123]

A guy came and picked her up from your house? I hope you told her she will never see your face again for the rest of her life. I hope you did tell her that, did you?

[paperlung]

I told her that I wanted to detach myself from her, move on, ect.

I feel this is the best decision you can make here.  She is using you and will continue to do so as long as you let her.

I feel she is using me, too. And I'll never forget back in December 2012 when I checked her Skype conversations with man she was having an online affair with. How she didn't love me anymore and was just using me because I was handy to have around. She was hesitant to end our relationship because this guy was twice her age and lived across the world.

The way she'd spin it now is that she has no one that can help her because she's close with no one else besides me. I'd hear the guilt trip: "I'm moving into a new place with no money, I won't be able to eat, or afford a cab to get food, see the doctor, ect. I thought I could trust you. That you would be there for me. You're not my friend. You're a bad friend."

A guy came and picked her up from your house? I hope you told her she will never see your face again for the rest of her life. I hope you did tell her that, did you?

This is the SECOND time a random guy off Tinder she has never even met before has picked her up in front of my freaking house. The first guy turned out to be crazy, and she had to call to the cops on him. Too soon to tell with this new guy she now calls her friend.

The funny thing about it yesterday was that my dad had already been drinking (he's an alcoholic) and was on his way out the same time this guy pulled up to pick up my ex. My dad started yelling at him profusely, and he was all like, "Yes, sir. Yes. Anything you say, sir." My dad's a very intimidating looking man. And In my dad's eyes, my ex is just screwing me around, using me, and doesn't want to see me in pain. But man did he ever lose his cool on him, haha. Whatever.

[tempest2016]

Detaching is very hard.  It seems a lot of us have a fix it attitude.  I know I do.  If we could just fix them then everything would be sunshine and butterflies.  But we can't fix them.  Unfortunately we can't even help them fix themselves. 

There is a lot of emotional damage being done to you by your keeping yourself involved in this.  I know it hurts to walk away.  But to save your own emotional stability you must walk away.  Whether she knows it or not she is hurting and using you.  You are letting it happen.  Your intentions have been good, you wanted to help her, but at what cost?  And is the outcome ever different?

You are enabling her to treat you the way she does.  And you are hurting yourself by doing it.  My heart goes out to you because I can see that you care for her very much and you are also trying to be her friend and help her but she needs to be responsible for herself.  If she chooses not to help herself that isn't on you. 

You can still care about her, but from a distance.  So that you can be emotionally strong and healthy and get on with your life.  Doesn't mean you don't care about her.  It means you have boundaries and do what is best for your emotional stability.  Friendships and relationships are not built on guilt nor are they one sided.  They are a give and take openly with care and consideration and respect.  Right now, today, that isn't what you have with this person. 

I wish you much strength in your decision to detach and cut contact.  Take it a day at a time. 

[Fr4nz]

I feel she is using me, too. And I'll never forget back in December 2012 when I checked her Skype conversations with man she was having an online affair with. How she didn't love me anymore and was just using me because I was handy to have around. She was hesitant to end our relationship because this guy was twice her age and lived across the world.

The way she'd spin it now is that she has no one that can help her because she's close with no one else besides me. I'd hear the guilt trip: "I'm moving into a new place with no money, I won't be able to eat, or afford a cab to get food, see the doctor, ect. I thought I could trust you. That you would be there for me. You're not my friend. You're a bad friend."

You could tell her that she's an adult, she's supposed to care about herself and that you're not a babysitter; also, if she's a complete failure it is because of the way she lives her life. Period.

... .obviously you're a good and compassionate man - like me, so saying these thruthful and unquestionable things to her would be very difficult for you.

Anyway, I agree with Tempest: it's pretty clear she's currently using you. Also, her words do not have any value at the moment, you should really walk away to avoid further emotional damage.

[wanttoknowmore]

Paperlung, I can relate to your situation as I have some  things similar to your story. Your sense of compassion that I am supposed to help a ex who is in financial trouble.

I have the same issue... .I feel guilty if Ex wants help and I say NO.  The difference is ex is 5000 miles away and is unemployed at present. Comes from poor family. I am well off. I met her while on one month vacation in her country and spent a lot of amazing time with her. She was excellent company.

I send her a check once a month just enough to cover her basic needs, food, rent, phone etc. with a condition that as soon as she gets a job this free money will stop.The difference is that she has never raged, demeaned, insulted me. She is responsible type and her ex-coworkers liked her at her job. Interestingly, she says "sorry" and "thank you " if I do a favor to her.

The only signs of BPD traits I saw are (1) She ,once a month, goes into silent mode which lasts 24 to 48 hours and then, she contacts me herself via text.  She told me about this behavior at the beginning of our r/s and instructed me not to contact her at all, if she goes in silent mode... because when she will be back alright, she will approach me herself.

Her texts were consistent and predictable in first three months ... then, started becoming erratic , off and on... the emojies of love and kiss etc. gone in last one month. I asked her about this and she said... you know what I am going thru... I am overwhelmed about job search and finding proper place to live with limited budget.  And, Lo and Behold, the same "I love you" "I miss you " and kiss emojies are back in texts.  She does not cut, use alcohol or drugs, there is no evidence or clue about other guys on side and she strongly denies that she keeps anyone on side. Says she just loves one person and feels disgusted sleeping with a random guy. Under stress, she says she goes inside herself and stops talking to people so that she does not end up saying stupid things.

At this point, I am not sure if she even has BPD... .she might just have some traits.  My question is ... .should  I keep sending monthly checks for basic needs as I did promise to her in the past... until she gets a job.  Its not a big amount of money... a small part (2%) of my pay check. Please advice.

[Fr4nz]

Is she still your gf?

[wanttoknowmore]

   communicating via texts... .sometimes by phone.  Not seen each other after that one time while on vacation. It that qualifies as gf... then... yes.

[paperlung]

Well, she's moved out now. Wednesday was exhausting for me. I had class and then needed to bus home quickly to drive my car to a U-HAUL location to rent a truck. Then I had to drive the truck to her place and then help her put all of her belongings into the truck. On the way to her new place, we had to stop at some random guy's house who was selling his bed off Craigslist. I had to help him carry the mattress, boxspring, and frame from the upstairs of his house all the way downstairs, outside and then into the truck. We then drove to her new place, it's a coach house. Fortunately, her landlord helped us carry her stuff in. After that, she and I went to return the truck to U-HAUL. I then had to take her to the bank in my car so that she could take out money for rent. I then took her to the grocery store so that she could have some food in her place. I then helped her set up her bed, TV, PS4, dresser, ect in her room... .sigh. Didn't get to go home until almost 11 PM.

And, of course, she never thanked me. Well, she did thank me in the U-HAUL at one point for helping her get that bed off Craigslist, but that's it. Although, later that night, after she got groceries but before we went back to her place, she found out "her" dog was put down (it was really her dad's, but she still obviously had some attachment to it), so that upset her a bit.

Thursday morning she sent me text telling me that her landlord hadn't replied back yet regarding the wi-fi. I just ignored it and went on with my day. Changed my number actually this evening. Haven't done that since I broke up with her three years ago. It's time to move on from her again.

[Fr4nz]

Very good paperlung! Hold on and write us whenever you need. A big hug!

[paperlung]

Very good paperlung! Hold on and write us whenever you need. A big hug!

Thank you. I haven't heard the last of her, I'm sure. I don't think she even knows yet that I've changed my number. Obviously, she won't know until she tries calling me. It's probably going to trigger her pretty badly, but I can't worry about that. She'll survive. That's what she does. She'll just latch onto somebody new if she hasn't already.

She can still contact me by others mean, though.


She could always call my house number and talk to my mom who she's pretty open with.

She could email me using a different address (I blocked her email address, but she could just write me using a different one).

She could send me a message on Facebook (I blocked her Facebook, but she could just write me using an alternative account, and you don't even need to be FB friends to do this I believe).

She could even show up at my house one day. She doesn't live that far away from me.


All it takes is just one sob/crisis story from her and I'll feel like helping. It's scary. I don't want to read anything like that from her again. I'm too weak.

[WoundedBibi]

You'll get stronger    Maybe you could make a list of things you had to go through with her and put it somewhere you can see it often to make sure you remember why you want to stay in NC, and why you shouldn't help her.

If you help others instead of her, does your need to be helpful to her (if she would contact you) become less, or do you "need" to help anybody that asks for help?

[patientandclear]

Paperlung, I think it might be useful to go back and look at your second to last post. Look at how many times you said you "had to" do something for her. Then consider, whether that was a requirement, or a choice.

[paperlung]

You'll get stronger    Maybe you could make a list of things you had to go through with her and put it somewhere you can see it often to make sure you remember why you want to stay in NC, and why you shouldn't help her.

If you help others instead of her, does your need to be helpful to her (if she would contact you) become less, or do you "need" to help anybody that asks for help?

I actually did that three years ago after we broke up. I made a list using the "Notes" iPhone app. I copy and paste lots of good posts from here onto there to read whenever I'm feeling 

I don't think if I started helping others that I would I suddenly feel less obliged to help her. I wouldn't say that I need to help just anybody who asks for it either, no. Only if they're important to me. The problem is, with her, the help is ongoing. It's constant because her life is usually in chaos. It's not like I'm dealing with a normal friend who needs like a one-off favor or something like that.

Paperlung, I think it might be useful to go back and look at your second to last post. Look at how many times you said you "had to" do something for her. Then consider, whether that was a requirement, or a choice.

It was a choice. I chose to help her move. She was being evicted from her old place and went through a traumatic experience with her male roommate (who she had only known for a couple of weeks and was off his rocker). I sympathized with her. I was the one who told her she couldn't stay at my place any longer, after all. I figured the least I could do was help her look for a new place and then help her move. According to her, she had nobody else who could help her. She didn't have the money to cab around to look at places or the money to pay movers to move her stuff.

My ex is a quiet borderline. So maybe that's why it's more difficult for me to detach completely. I'm not dealing with somebody who has insane outbursts of rage directed at me, or somebody who will key my car or throw a rock through my window. I really feel for my ex, as a human being. Her 24-year-old life has been rough, with no real future in sight. She's still living the same lifestyle as she was 3 years ago before we broke up; living on her own and camming. It breaks my heart, but I suppose that was her decision. I mean, she's had 3 years to 'get it together' since then but hasn't. I don't know. The guilt of abandoning is strong.

[wanttoknowmore]

As long as you are willing to honesty take the responsibility of bad outcome or intense pain and depression in future due to this choice of keeping contact and helping her... .I believe

its your right to make that choice.

Everyone has a right to make a choice but should make that choice with full awareness and courage to own the good/bad outcome of that choice.

You seem to me like an empathic , caring person and there is nothing wrong with being a helpful, caring human being.