Ashamed I broke NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had a few glasses of wine and I texted him. Worse, I texted a list of questions. Questions that can't have answers if he is BPD (and I'm sure he is). Ugh. I immediately texted "sorry I texted please don't respond" and he was actually the adult about it. He responded kindly, but firmly, actually saying he "made his bed" and is respecting my need for space and trying to move on himself, while still managing to say more nice things that "he is glad he got to say" because I texted (giving him permission to break silence). Of course, he didn't answer any of the questions... .

I'm so ashamed. I should really just focus on my new bf.  It's just so confusing to still be in love with my ex, knowing he's bad for me, and not be in love with my bf yet. My new bf checks all the right boxes, and I know I'm doing the right things for me. I've just never had a break up where my emotions are so far away from the logical decision of the separation. How does one ever get over that?  I know I can't/shouldn't be with him, but I still love and miss him?  And I know that I could have him back (such as he is, at least until he runs again).

Maybe I can just pretend these texts never happened. (I already deleted them.).

[Ab123]

I had a few glasses of wine and I texted him. Worse, I texted a list of questions. Questions that can't have answers if he is BPD (and I'm sure he is). Ugh. I immediately texted "sorry I texted please don't respond" and he was actually the adult about it. He responded kindly, but firmly, actually saying he "made his bed" and is respecting my need for space and trying to move on himself, while still managing to say more nice things that "he is glad he got to say" because I texted (giving him permission to break silence). Of course, he didn't answer any of the questions... .

I'm so ashamed. I should really just focus on my new bf.  It's just so confusing to still be in love with my ex, knowing he's bad for me, and not be in love with my bf yet. My new bf checks all the right boxes, and I know I'm doing the right things for me. I've just never had a break up where my emotions are so far away from the logical decision of the separation. How does one ever get over that?  I know I can't/shouldn't be with him, but I still love and miss him?  And I know that I could have him back (such as he is, at least until he runs again).

Maybe I can just pretend these texts never happened. (I already deleted them.).

[Scopikaz]

Have some more wine,  you'll forget about it

Just kidding. Trying to bring levity to it. 

It'll be ok. I promise.

[WoundedBibi]

Ab123, don't beat yourself up over it. NC is a tool, not a goal. And detaching, grieving, moving on, it's not a linear proces. We will slip back every now & again.

Maybe reading the thread from Penelope35 would help you. It's called "I think I might breakdown and reply-please help". Especially the post on page 5 from jhkbuzz which is a quote from member 2010 about addiction thinking.

[Ab123]

Thanks scop & woundedbib. I've been following Penelope35's thread, actually, and it helped keep me from texting earlier. It just all built up, and I sent the questions that Id ask in person if I agreed to see him, which I might do if I hadn't met a great guy. And, really, it's all for the best that I have met someone else that I can't justify leaving. Because I'm sure my ex is BPD, or, if not, has another severe mental disorder that causes emotional disregulation that makes it impossible for him to have a healthy relationship. I've never seen anything like his rages, and I'm not that young.

If he could fix it, he would have done so long ago and he never would have hurt me in the first place.  My questions were unfair. He can't change.

All relationships get worse after the first year (or at least they level off, and people get comfortable). He caused a ton of pain in 9 months. I know I need to walk away. It was just so easy to hit "send" in a moment of hopeful selfishness.

[WoundedBibi]

I'm keeping part of 2010's post as my mantra as it is true and makes me laugh: he is a Ding Dong. Put down the Ding Dong.