Sometimes i feel like I have a handle on knowing I didn't cause things to be this way, I didn't cause the craziness in the relationship. Then I learn more about BPD and I get confused b/c it's like his behavior is explained and I feel kind of like I shouldn't be angry and I somehow DID create the craziness, does that make more sense? Thanks for asking me to clarify!
it is confusing. it does seem counter intuitive, i know. it also seems counter intuitive that we come to bpdfamily to learn about BPD and share what weve been through, we have a series of aha! moments, realize we arent solely to blame, and then wind up turning the focus to ourselves. its detachment in the bigger picture. its not an easy transition whatsoever. its a testament to you that you are open to your own accountability, it will serve you in your detachment, but i understand its incredibly complicated to process. thats okay. give it time. things are still very raw for you i imagine.
sometimes i dont explain this very well so if i need to elaborate ill be glad to: by the very nature of relationships, and the fact that they are an interaction between two people, we all played a role, and we all played a role in the dysfunction of the relationship. i cant stress enough that realizing that is not about blaming ourselves, or our partners. i can tell you that for me, it gave me a clearer understanding of "what happened", which we all want to know, presumably.
i like this way of putting it:
The one thing we hope to bring members at bpdfamily is perspective (what is healthy/pathologic/normal, what is important/not important) and the ability to see the other side of the human relationship (empathy). These are very powerful tools for going forward.
Isn't this where many us have failed in these relationships?
Trying to understanding how another person thinks (empathy) is not condoning their actions any more than an FBI profiler is condoning serial murderers. It's the information needed to safely and effectively co-exist with others - there will always be difficult people.
And asking members to look at their role in the relationship dysfunction is not blaming them, its helping them find solutions that they have control over -- things that they can make happen.
in my example i gave her perspective: "i dont see you enough" and mine: "you see me too much". lets just assume that when the relationship ended, for the sake of argument, that i agonized over the idea that "maybe i really didnt see her enough" and was riddled with self doubt. how do i deal with that self doubt? i prod the issue and since reality was mentioned, i do what is called "reality testing".
i need privacy and space. we all do. i explained that in a pretty straight forward manner to my ex. that it wasnt about her. plants need water to grow - they die if you drown them. they get scorched if they receive too much sunlight. shed tell me she understood. then shed turn around and refer to "when you have to get away from me." it was such an exasperating statement. "ITS NOT ABOUT GETTING AWAY FROM YOU" i said in my head. "THIS ISNT SOME WEIRD ISSUE WHERE I SOMETIMES DONT LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND AND HAVE TO HIDE OUT." i probably said something like that. it didnt compute. my need for space was, from her perspective, about needing away from her. BPD aside, it was a fundamental incompatibility.
i explained though, exactly where it has to do with BPD. i took that understanding, of how she struggled to be alone or away from me (or any attachment), along with the facts of the relationship (the intense amount of time we actually spent together) and i determined no amount of time i could have spent with her would have been "enough" for her, and was too much for me. it applied in lots of other areas too. sounds pretty cut and dry right? lets dig deeper and sort out accountability:
i also mentioned i neglected her for nearly the final two months of our relationship. frankly i neglected her at every opportunity i had. the relationship was an exhausting full time job that left me running on adrenaline constantly (expense of myself). this of course came up when she broke up with me. so that, of course, i had tremendous self doubt about. during those two months she lined up my replacement. it happens all the time, but theres no excuse for that. ordinarily you break up with someone who is neglecting you. on the other hand, its cruel to remain in a relationship with someone you constantly want to neglect. its not fair to you either.
and that lesson came with a profound sense of freedom. i have a tendency to get into relationships and situations i dont ultimately want to be in, and it comes at the expense of myself. if i claim, as i did, that i was so unhappy in the relationship, it begs the question of why i stayed. and the answer is that obviously the dysfunction served me in some way.
my truth is that there are many, many things i could have handled better. there always are. we are human and humans make mistakes. my truth is that she had many complaints that simply dont hold up with the facts. my truth is that no other partner has ever complained about not seeing me enough. i suspect no other partner ever will. my truth is that we were fundamentally incompatible and its better that we are not together. i understand her perspective, and i endeavored to do so to better understand "what happened". the truth is that her perspective is no longer my problem.
apepper21, anger is one of the stages of grief, and you have every right to feel it. understanding his perspective or examining your role does not excuse his actions. it can add balance to the anger, though, as can compassion and forgiveness, but no one gets to that place over night, without first feeling their anger. you probably will go back and forth between blaming yourself and blaming him. i think thats natural. its part of processing. and yes, seeing him on a daily basis complicates that processing.
not all of what i wrote will apply to you, but i hope some of it does, and that it explains what is a confusing concept. in your case your therapist has suggested that you dont trust yourself. there is very likely a lesson there if you dig into it.
ps. i dont intend to be black and white about "our truth" and im not advocating we all run around behaving as we wish unapologetically. self awareness is key. self awareness keeps us accountable. our guts will tell us when something is off and we should pay attention to that feeling - its self awareness too.
I'm just a bit confused by what you mean when it wasn't our truth. Trying to change someone else's perspective at our own expense even when what we are trying to change their perspective to isn't what we believe?
i wasnt very clear, sorry. i meant trying to change someones perspective when we fundamentally disagree with their perspective. like someone telling you you have no room for them in your life when youve made nothing but room for them in your life - and continuing to do so when their perspective hasnt and wont change
. hope that clarifies.
