Angry, Frustated, Sad...

[codes316]

It's been over two months since the breakup and close to 3 weeks of NC. And I still feel like something's missing. When she left I always felt like she took something away from me.

When I asked her why she left she always gave me different answers- the fights, the distance, and even the fact that I can't cook. She blamed me for the fights and all the negative stuff happened. It's frustrating that I'll never know if she really had BPD or what degree she even had it. It's frustrating that I stuck with her hoping she would change; I saw past all the times she hooked up with guys, all the angry outbursts and yelling she did at me, and all the depression/anxiety that prevented us from doing things and going out.

It bothers me a lot she can hear me say all those things about how I stuck around and supported her and yet she can just move on and keep this negative devaluation of me.

It angers me that I would stay up all night trying to find ways to accomplish her life goals like seeing Disney World for the first time, like finding a job in her career. I never invested so much in a relationship yet I feel the inadequate one.

It almost feels like she's the lucky one where she can just pick up her stuff and just move on. Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't have BPD, the way she talks like she's the more sensible one. Maybe I'm just the crazy one that can't get over a person that is not right for me.

Honestly, I was so feeling so good and just about to get over this and then being laid off from my job just puts me back in a negative spiral.

I learned a lot from this relationship and learned ways to improve myself. It's so weird to meet girls and have relationships that are just normal.

I just wished I got out of the relationship the first time something bad happened and if this was the way she was gonna treat me after it was all over then I wish I never met her.

Still my mind lingers and still I can feel the pain of her just leaving, does it ever go away?

[Mutt]

Hi codes316,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how it would feel like there's something missing after suffering a loss. There are a lot of emotions that we commonly feel after the loss of a relationship, anger, resentment, sadness... .

I saw past all the times she hooked up with guys, all the angry outbursts and yelling she did at me, and all the depression/anxiety that prevented us from doing things and going out.

I hear self blame in your frustration. A relationship takes two, don't blame yourself for her share of the relationship.

It almost feels like she's the lucky one where she can just pick up her stuff and just move on. Maybe I'm just the crazy one that can't get over a person that is not right for me.

You're experiencing grief, grief is a healthy process, it's not healthy to avoid grief and yes, the pain does go away.

PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[HarleypsychRN]

I can absolutely relate to your story (you are NOT alone)!  Please know that that behavior is so typical of the disorder. Here one day, gone the next. You WILL heal, things will get better.