Does she have a point?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In my never ending efforts to understand, I am wondering if she didn't have a legimate reason not to trust me. When we were together, it was magical. Buy, the minute I left her company, the doubt set in. What I was doing, who I was doing it with, why didn't I include her more. I have two and recently separated. Has been a big transition for me, my boys, and both families. Have been honest about the situation but she continues to press me about being more of a part of my life. She has met my boys, my sister, but not my full family (we have been having serious drama and no one is speaking to one another). I don't hang out with friends since they live some distance away. also left my house and moved in with my sister. Point is, I have been asked to prove myself time and time again and have always done so. But she feels as if I am not fully committed to seeing things through since she hasn't seen enough of my other lives. Am giving her all that I can, but she doesn't believe it. Am I crazy or does she have a right not to trust me?

[HurtIII]

In my never ending efforts to understand, I am wondering if she didn't have a legimate reason not to trust me. When we were together, it was magical. Buy, the minute I left her company, the doubt set in. What I was doing, who I was doing it with, why didn't I include her more. I have two and recently separated. Has been a big transition for me, my boys, and both families. Have been honest about the situation but she continues to press me about being more of a part of my life. She has met my boys, my sister, but not my full family (we have been having serious drama and no one is speaking to one another). I don't hang out with friends since they live some distance away. also left my house and moved in with my sister. Point is, I have been asked to prove myself time and time again and have always done so. But she feels as if I am not fully committed to seeing things through since she hasn't seen enough of my other lives. Am giving her all that I can, but she doesn't believe it. Am I crazy or does she have a right not to trust me?

[once removed]

hey HurtIII 

pwBPD struggle with what is called object permanence, something we develop at very early years in our life. it is the sense that just because a loved one is not physically present in front of your eyes, does not mean that they do not exist, or that you do not exist. people with BPD gain a sense of self by means of attachment. if you cease to be physically present, it can be very scary for a pwBPD. it may result in fears of abandonment, and keep in mind that feelings = fact, so the fact that when you left her company, the doubts set in, makes a lot of sense in that context. it can lead to accusations of cheating or other forms of abandonment.

my ex and i spent nearly every waking minute together, but she complained of not seeing me enough. evidence to the contrary was irrelevant, feelings = fact.

short answer: i suspect you gave all that you could in this regard. a person cant satisfy someone elses deep seated insecurities.

[Mutt]

But she feels as if I am not fully committed to seeing things through since she hasn't seen enough of my other lives. Am giving her all that I can, but she doesn't believe it.

Hi HurtIII,

I think that many members can relate with second guessing ourselves with some of the behaviors that our ex partners displayed in the relationship. I would like to add to what Once Remove said about insecurities, A pwBPD feel chronic shame, have low self worth , low self esteem and need a lot of re-assurance. Maybe she felt like she wasn't good enough for your other lives?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Another way to think about this situation is that relationships are about compatibility, and perhaps her needs were simply not compatible with what you can reasonably offer, disordered or not.  If she expects to be glued to you every waking moment, and that's not realistic or comfortable for you, the disease is beside the point -- you are incompatible.  You, as an individual, have the right to offer or not offer as much to a partner as you wish.  Just because not offering makes another person sad or hurt doesn't make you obligated to do it.

[HurtIII]

I love this site! And love all the replies... .just not sure if I should feel guilty

[HurtIII]

I hear you... .but guess one of the other issues is that she says that she can't stand being smothered. We had talked through a plan and I was honoring that... in fact, I was exceeding it. But, out of nowhere, she flips

[Suzn]

one of the other issues is that she says that she can't stand being smothered.

Is it possible she was mirroring what she thought you felt? I ask because it doesn't sound like her words and actions match up.

She does have the right not to trust you, not because you've done anything to abuse that trust but to fully trust (or to share too much) before getting to know someone could be a sign of poor boundaries. You also have the right not to fully trust or share too much before you've had the chance to get to know someone better.

Do you trust your gut feelings? Those gut feelings are there to show you were your boundaries are. It's ok to trust them. It's also ok to let go of feelings of guilt for trusting yourself. No one can look out for your best interests better than you can. 

[HurtIII]

But what happens when your gut feelings tell you to love her more? That things really can work out? That is simply more about communication than compatibility? Just feeling a little pulled between two completely different views.