Trying to cope with my sister's BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The stories about the struggles we've went through as a family because of my sister's BPD are endless.  I'm mostly looking for insight on the most recent situation.  My sister will disappear for 2-3 months at a time and suddenly show back up and that's when you know you're about to get bad news.  This time our worst fear was realized and she showed up pregnant.  It took me a while to believe that she wasn't lying about the situation.  I'm usually good at coping with the hard times with her but this is something that worries me day in and day out.  I am so scared for her child and the life he would have if she chooses to keep him.  She tends to live with random people and bounce around between homeless shelters and rehabs. She's admitted to using drugs.  We've tried to gently steer her in the direction of adoption,  without being pushy or asking too many questions.  Anytime you start asking a lot of questions you stop hearing from her.  She says the father knows and wants nothing to do with it,  but I have my suspicions about whether or not she even told him. All day long I sit and try to think of solutions to this so the baby is safe and happy.  It kills me to think of never knowing him,  but I believe it would be best if she wasn't in his life at all which means it wouldn't be best for me or my parents to try and adopt him.  That rips my heart out.  I think the hardest part in all of this is knowing that no matter how much I worry or try to think of a solution, the situation is completely out of my control.  Has anyone ever had any kind of experience with this? Or know a BPD person that has children? What is the quality of life for the child? Does anyone have any experience with a family member placing a child for adoption? I'm sorry this is so long.  I've never reached out to anyone before, but I'm not sure what else to do to ease my mind. The thought of am innocent child being out in dangerous situations or enduring a life of turmoil and there not being anything we can do about it is terrifying. I have a lot of guilt over it.   Also,  my relationship with my sister is practically non-existent. I get daily updates from my mom when she is lucky enough to get any information from my sister. 

[katie08]

The stories about the struggles we've went through as a family because of my sister's BPD are endless.  I'm mostly looking for insight on the most recent situation.  My sister will disappear for 2-3 months at a time and suddenly show back up and that's when you know you're about to get bad news.  This time our worst fear was realized and she showed up pregnant.  It took me a while to believe that she wasn't lying about the situation.  I'm usually good at coping with the hard times with her but this is something that worries me day in and day out.  I am so scared for her child and the life he would have if she chooses to keep him.  She tends to live with random people and bounce around between homeless shelters and rehabs. She's admitted to using drugs.  We've tried to gently steer her in the direction of adoption,  without being pushy or asking too many questions.  Anytime you start asking a lot of questions you stop hearing from her.  She says the father knows and wants nothing to do with it,  but I have my suspicions about whether or not she even told him. All day long I sit and try to think of solutions to this so the baby is safe and happy.  It kills me to think of never knowing him,  but I believe it would be best if she wasn't in his life at all which means it wouldn't be best for me or my parents to try and adopt him.  That rips my heart out.  I think the hardest part in all of this is knowing that no matter how much I worry or try to think of a solution, the situation is completely out of my control.  Has anyone ever had any kind of experience with this? Or know a BPD person that has children? What is the quality of life for the child? Does anyone have any experience with a family member placing a child for adoption? I'm sorry this is so long.  I've never reached out to anyone before, but I'm not sure what else to do to ease my mind. The thought of am innocent child being out in dangerous situations or enduring a life of turmoil and there not being anything we can do about it is terrifying. I have a lot of guilt over it.   Also,  my relationship with my sister is practically non-existent. I get daily updates from my mom when she is lucky enough to get any information from my sister. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Katie08,

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this. Legally it’s down to the mother so what does your sister have to say on all this ? There are a number of ways to go, fostering rather than adoption etc... .

To answer your question; many on this board you’re posting to are the children of a parents with BPD. I for one would have preferred to take my chances with adoption, but there are those on here who were adopted by parents with PD, so... .However that’s up to the mother.  But she needs to be in conversation with adoption agencies etc. has that started yet ?

A BPD would love for you to take responsibility on this, and almost certainly carry the blame on this. But you are not your sisters keeper, and there’ a line on that in the Bible. It is tempting to take the monkey off your sisters back, but what about just introducing her to the appropriate experts and agencies ? All I would say is that social services are well versed in all this, why not talk with the experts ? Wishing you peace.

 

[katie08]

Thank you for your response!

The last I heard she was leaning toward adoption.  She said she was afraid she wouldn't be able to stay stable and she couldn't even bring herself to name him.  I'm just praying she stays on that path.  My mom has told her there are a ton of resources online about adoption agencies and some will help cover living expenses and medical bills and offer scholarships. We encouraged her to speak to her doctor about her options.  Whether or not she's done that,  I'm not sure.  Mom has offered to go to appointments with her,  but never receives a reply.

I also worry that even if she chooses adoption,  the birth father will come along and throw a kink in things. Her therapist (6 years ago) felt as though she held a lot of jealousy and resentment towards me because "I have the perfect life" in reality I just try to make good decisions and  as a result my life isn't in shambles.  I feel like me adopting or fostering her baby would just be the icing on the cake for her and I'm not sure i can handle the stress of living in fear of how she may retaliate down the road. 

I feel like choosing adoption would be the most loving and selfless thing she's ever done. Unfortunately that's not typically in her nature. 

Do you think it would be a bad idea for me to contact her about the situation? Not to try and  persuade her either way, but just to let  her know I'm thinking about her and I care about her? I'm just not sure it will be well received.  It's a balancing act trying not to upset her and you never know what will set her off.  I just don't want to do anything to worsen the situation. 

I'm usually good about not getting caught up in her games and feeling guilty for things that aren't my fault.  I guess I just feel like I should do SOMETHING to help this baby being born into chaos and feel as though maybe it's selfish to not offer to take him in because I fear the emotional stress and the trauma it would cause my family if a couple years down the road she came and took him back and I have no way of knowing if he's safe. My husband and I have two girls of our own to protect. I feel as if I'm saying saving him is not worth all the hurt. I know the way she lives isn't suitable for a child, but proving that in court is another story and typically the courts rule in favor of the birth parents.

I just hate knowing our hands are tied and his fate rests in the hands of the person I trust least in this world. Which is a terrible thing to say about your own sister I guess,  but those are the circumstances. I just hope she will take our advice and at least talk to an adoption agency. 

[HappyChappy]

Her therapist (6 years ago) felt as though she held a lot of jealousy and resentment towards me because  

BPD are so competitive, jealously and converting are very common bi product. Other than being modest, not sure what we can do about this. My NPD bro is permanently jealous, he get jealous of thin air.

I feel like me adopting or fostering her baby would just be the icing on the cake for her and I'm not sure i can handle the stress of living in fear of how she may retaliate down the road. 

I would agree with you there, it does sound divisive. There's unlikely to be a problem finding adoptive parents for a healthy new born.

You demonstrate a great deal of empathy and kindness when you speak about your sister. She’s very lucky to have such a supportive family, but what about you ? Is it healthy for you to take on all your sisters worries and does this worry help your sister ? Sounds like you’ve got this all pegged, so other than moral support do you need to do much more ? For what it's worth, I wish I'd been adopted, my BPD told me that I was adopted. The parenting course I wend on state that a child just wants to feel safe and loved, that's it in a nut shell. Look after yourself.

[katie08]

Thank you, I am doing better the older I get,  and I think the pregnancy is the first common ground we've ever had.  Pregnancy is scary enough. I can't imagine doing it alone and unprepared.  So I do have more sympathy for her now than ever before, but I would say I've spent the majority of the time mostly angry with her and not knowing if she truly can't help how she is or if she just enjoyed all the pain she caused. I feel guilty for not trying harder to help her in my high school days. But then I snap out of it and remember everything she did and I think most people would've reacted the same. I distanced myself and as I result I hardly now her now.  I wish things could be different but I try to remember all the times we did help and it backfired.

You're absolutely right. That's the advice I've pretty much been given by everyone.  All of this worry is doing nothing but tearing me down and stressing me out and it's not solving anything.  I guess it just took a while to sink in.  It's hard not to think about all the what ifs, but I have to stop. 

She stopped by and talked to my parents again and still seems to be leaning towards adoption. She seems sober and better than she's been in a while.  Her thinking even in the best conditions still isn't like most of ours, but she seemed to be somewhat on the right track.  She talked to her doctor about adoption, post partum depression and filled out a mental health evaluation.  Hopefully she was honest on it. I took a big sigh of relief when I heard all that.

The main things concerning me now are the people she's living with are trying to talk her out of adoption by saying it's selfish and like she's giving up. Which is absurd. And she mentioned a "friend" who is also an ex-con that would be willing to lie and sign the birth certificate saying he was the father so he could take the baby and take care of him and she could see him whenever she liked.  I THINK my parents were successful in explaining to her that not only is it ILLEGAL but also a very bad idea. The fact she even considered it shows how scewed her judgement can be.

She seemed to receive all the info well and seemed very relieved when she realized we supported her decision, and wouldn't be ashamed of her or mad at her if she chooses adoption and we certainly don't consider it selfish or giving up. Quite the opposite. I not only want the baby to have a good life,  but I'd like to see her turn her life around too if possible. 

So it seems for now there is a glimmer of hope.  That's what I'm clinging to for my sanity.  Thanks for listening to me ramble and for your responses. They've brought me some peace.

[isshebpd]

She seems sober and better than she's been in a while.

Now that's good to hear.