Should I or shouldn't I?

[WoundedBibi]

So, I have this dilemma and I guess I want to both figure out how I feel about it by writing to all of you and I would like some input from you. Loong post, sorry, but I wanted to give some context.

I haven't seen or have any contact with angry depressed ex for months. He got dismissed from work while I have been on sick leave. Of course I tried to figure out the puzzle that is ex so I have been playing detective while convalescing. Haven't played detective for a week or 2 now. I guess I don't feel the need anymore to know who he was before we met, what he lied about or covered up, who his friends back home are, what his FOO is like. Partly due to finding out one of his oldest friends is a seriously disturbed wacko that scares the living daylight out of me.

Part of wanting to find out stuff was also that I do not know what lies he has been feeding his minions and of course I will be confronted with the minions when I return to work. The bullying they have submitted me to (pointing, gossiping, looks that could kill) has sent me in a panic state. Like being 6 again and overwhelmed by emotions and a feeling of helplessness. That + the break up + how he behaved towards me + the stress from a very fast paced demanding job + being in a vulnerable mindset before my ex groomed me, yeah... Too much...

From what I puzzled together the last few months I know he wasn't doing well. Obviously all over the place around our breakup, drinking heavily, drugs left right and center, being bitter & angry, etc., then the being dismissed (he looses all his jobs, due to ending up in a struggle for control with authority figures and hitting on his own team members and his colleagues which is either wrong, messy or both, even after he has been warned not to), so knowing him more bitterness. He in his paranoia might think losing his job is due to me, but I never breathed a word about it to management. Him getting more and more minions involved after the breakup, feeding the grapevine, might have made them find out, I don't know. Nobody from management or Human Resources has mentioned anything to me. Although the big cheese wanted me to reintegrate (a few months back when I could still walk) at another office and I had the distinct impression it was to protect me. From what? Your guess is as good as mine (yeah, it's like my childhood all over again, having to feel my way around because nobody just simply and openly talks... )

Anyway, found a picture online from New Years Eve with some friends back home and he looks terrible; scruffy and a bit bloated. Friends smile and look at camera, or look at the camera without smiling, he doesn't smile and is looking vacantly at the ceiling.

Found a blog he started in the beginning of December with depressed poems, partly in English partly in his own language, souls filled with mist, the woman with the cold eyes and empty heart (that's me), blah blah blah. Now, he has only written on it once. To start it up. But wrote a lot in that one go. On it he announces that he will publish a book. It's a very vague description of the date, "the blooms' full moon" blah, which could be on purpose in case he doesn't get it finished on time or whatever. So if I go by the description the date of publication should be today. Spring, full moon.

He could be doing better by now, maybe found new supply, no idea, don't care.

I am getting better (I staggered down 2 whole floors today for the first time in 5 months, with my physiotherapist, and stood outside the apartment building for a minute, yeah! Milestone!) so return to work is getting closer. I have no clue how the minions will react to me, what lies they have been fed etc, which of course makes me feel I have no control of the situation. Which in essence is true, I don't.

Dilemma: do I go back to the blog and check if the book has been published? And if yes to both, do I read it?

Pros: - I might find out what his paranoia has fed him and what he fed his minions, so I feel prepared for return to work. - And maybe I will find more about the puzzle he is, but I'm not that interested in that now.

Cons: -  knowing what he fed his minions might make me feel too self aware when I go back to work making me more uncomfortable instead of less. - Maybe there's more bull's excrement in it about me making me feel bad, sad, angry, worthless, ruining the work I've done to feel strong again.

Random thoughts: why is feeling in control of the situation so important to me? Does reading his book mean I'm still too attached? Why do I care what my colleagues think about me? I had a life before them, I will have one after them. Why do I give them the power to reduce me to a quivering 6 year old? What's the worse they can do to me apart from making me feel miserable, denying me days off or being generally uncooperative? Does the book even exist, or was the whole blog thing and "I'm gonna write a book... " just a ploy to get my attention or for me to contact him and say "No! Don't publish! I loved youhou... ".

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

Thanks 

[C.Stein]

Stop checking up on him.  That is my first and foremost suggestion.

Are you getting something emotionally from keeping tabs on him?  For myself I don't want to know what is going on with my ex anymore because I know it will lead to more pain, so why would I do that to myself?

As far as the what other people think, it really doesn't matter.  Let them think what they want.  Be the best person you can be and let your actions define who you are.  The people who matter will see you for who you are, the rest can go to hell.   

[WoundedBibi]

I stopped the checking up on him a few weeks ago already 

The dilemma is the book. Although you could look at reading the book as another way to check up on him. I guess for me the book feels more about testing the waters at work. It isn't about where he's at right now, I don't care. I want to know how big the damage is to my character and career I guess. But I get your point    To hell with them all 

[C.Stein]

The dilemma is the book. Although you could look at reading the book as another way to check up on him.

Yes indeed.

I guess for me the book feels more about testing the waters at work. It isn't about where he's at right now, I don't care. I want to know how big the damage is to my character and career I guess.

How would this book give you this information?  Certainly it cannot represent the here and now.  Don't have any expectations one way or the other.  When you do finally go back to work then you can deal with any fallout then.  Speculation isn't getting you anywhere right now and is more likely than not creating a substantial amount of anxiety within you.   STOP!   

[troisette]

Hi Bibi, gosh do I sympathise with you!

It's normal to feel anxious about returning to work after a long absence, especially so after what you've experienced. Doubling, especially so when you've been in pain with lots of time to ruminate.

It's understandable to wonder and worry what has been going on in your absence and we can build fantasies in our minds that are just that. You won't know what the reality is until you get there. It might be, from what you've said, that eyes have been opened while you've been away.

Feeling a need to be in control of a situation. Blimey, that rings bells for me. And worrying about what your colleagues may think is normal too. Trouble is, in reality we've very little control over our lives, anything can happen at any time. People who need to think they have control (moi aussi   ) sometimes experienced childhoods where there was confusion and chaos that they had no influence over. So we grow up needing the illusion of control - for safety.

Also, worrying about colleagues - is there some transference going on, seeing them as your FOO? I'm in a different but similar situation with my ex. He's popular in the small town where we live and I've steered clear of the group we socialised with, his position with them is stronger than mine - I was the newbie. But I frequently worry that he's painting me black, playing waif, which he does very well, and I'm also feeling excluded from the group. But I also know that I'm replicating scenarios from my childhood with my FOO and am not sure if this is my fantasy or not. I'm giving him, and them, more power than I should be because when I experienced actual exclusion as a child I was powerless. So my feeling of powerlessness is self-generated.

Having said that, it's easy to intellectualise it, a lot more difficult to overcome the emotions.

It's a difficult one about the book. It may give you insight, it might add to the pain. It's one for you to decide. I haven't seen my ex - apart from a couple of glimpses - in six months. However knowing when he's away helps me relax a bit so some information can be helpful. I think that whether or not you read it is something only you can decide. But if you do, spend some time beforehand mentally preparing yourself for what you might read. And if it is in reference to you, prepare yourself in advance not to take it on board.

Hope this helps, it's a tough call and I sympathise. I've got ongoing back problems and have been housebound for a month (hence my recent everpresence on the boards  ), you have my every sympathy. Not just for the pain but because it takes us to a different place - for many reasons. As your back gets better I think you will feel emotionally stronger.  

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks guys 

Yes troisette, having been cooped up for so long with little interaction and loads of pain has been... .a challenge, let's say 

It gave me time to reflect, ruminate, worry, speculate, gain insight, obsess, and more 

I do find myself to be stronger now. I really feel I no longer love my ex. I stopped the checking because I don't want to solve the puzzle anymore. I see things clearer. I've realized I have a lot of emotional cleaning to do. I still have a lot of issues between understanding rationally (that I do) but not falling into the emotional quivering state. How to stop the panic when it grabs me by the throat?

Yes... the illusion of safety through control...

I think the transfer is not so much in the FOO but in the childhood bullying. I know I give them power but I don't know how to stop that yet. To stop the emotion grabbing me, paralyzing me.

Almost literally this time... Haven't had any morphine for about 48 hours, so I really am feeling and doing better. To be honest, it feels like I have lost so much time I could have used to get emotionally better due to the morphine clouding my brain and the pain taking over my entire being. My nerves lost their bearing, giving out wrong signals. So the leg moving on it's own accord can be a bit funny, but the feeling you're on fire... I will have to apologize to my downstairs neighbours when I'm up and 'running' again for the nights I screamed out of pain and desperation.

I have given myself something to look forward to in this return to work stress though that pushes me on to get better fast: a yoga holiday in the Italian sun 

[WoundedBibi]

Oh  I forgot: for now my decision is NOT to check the blog and so NOT to read the book.

[C.Stein]

How to stop the panic when it grabs me by the throat?

I think a good place to start is to try and identify what is causing the panic.  Once you can see and understand what it causing the feeling then it will be easier to step outside the immediate emotion and let your rational/logical mind take control again.