Exgf texted me last night

[Bigmd]

Well last night at around 10 pm my exgf of 8 months texted me. I responded too , probably shouldnt have. Anyway I was in complete shock. Never expected to hear from her again. It's been 6 months no contact.

Her: not sure if this is the right thing to do or not but just wondering how you are doing.

Me after 20 mins: hey I'm ok , how about you?

Her: I'm fine thanks, don't want to bother you if your working.

Anyway we went on, she asked me about my daughter and I asked about hers. Just light convo I never mentioned the relationship. After about 45 mins she said glad we were able to talk and said goodnight. So crazy, I was literally flustered and shaking. Couldn't concentrate on anything. What the hell was that, why after 8 months?

And now after I kinda start liking someone? Ughhh I can't take this. It didn't affect me like I thought it would and I'm not over anillyzing the conversation. I do hover keep thinking about it.

[C.Stein]

You and I are at the same time frame, almost 8 months out from being thrown away.  Unlike you I really don't think I will ever hear from my ex again.

So, what was going through your mind right after she texted you?  Why did you decide to respond?

[Bigmd]

CS thanks for quick response. I never thought she would text me ever. I was shocked . I literally was shaking. I'm wont lie, I wasn't strong enough not to text back. I always wondered why she never reached out. In a weird way I was happy she was thinking about me. Who knows what her motives were. I don't expect a follow up text.

[C.Stein]

I never thought she would text me ever. I was shocked . I literally was shaking.

Yea, I can understand this.  I might react the same ... .anxiety goes through the roof ... .or not.  Hard to say until you are faced with it, especially when you are still trying to detach.

[zeus123]

The minute you make contact with her, you're giving away your power! No matter what you think you need to say to her. You may compulsively replay these conversations in your head afterwards, and think you did a really good job--but it won't be long before you're doubting it and torturing yourself. Don't reply to any text messages or any calls and do not respond to her "emergencies" it won't win her back, or make her think highly of you. It's best if you don't read what she sends. Doing so, only prolongs your pain. Delete, delete, delete!

[C.Stein]

The minute you make contact with her, you're giving away your power!

I would think this largely depends on the reason for contact.

[steelwork]

The minute you make contact with her, you're giving away your power!

No! You still have your power! I understand and encourage no contact if that's what you want, but please don't beat yourself up for replying.

You have power when you act according to your values. Ask yourself what personal values you were expressing when you responded, and then ask what that means for the future.

YOU ARE STILL POWERFUL.

[codes316]

I honestly would have replied "who is this?" even if I knew who it was. My exBPD says that one day she'll wanna be friends and contact me when she's ready. Yeah of course, I think about when she will from time to time, but you have to be more assertive.

These are often called breadcrumbs- the person dumping the other person sometimes might check in with them to see how they are doing, but they have no intention of being with you; sometimes its because they felt guilty or maybe they just wanted to see how you were doing.Unless she literally said I want to get back with you,then I would completely disregard the conversation and not worry about it.

Its normal to feel the way you did about all of this. However, she doesn't deserve a response and you don't deserve to go through the torture of wondering if you did or said the right thing. I would have been more direct and told her straight up unless she received help or changed she can't be in my life or even text me.

[steelwork]

I honestly would have replied "who is this?" even if I knew who it was.

Hahaha... .this is my fantasy.

[zeus123]

When a BPDex calls or "checks in " to see how you're doing in the aftermath of the relationship! It's never about you! Your needs didn't matter while she was with you, and they don't matter now. You may feel grateful she seems to care enough to keep the connection alive--but her sole purpose is keeping you around to meet her needs (no matter what she says to the contrary). A three year old hasn't developed any capacity for EMPATHY, so don't presume that she's contacting you for your sake...

[tryingsome]

Well I think any pwBPD AND any NORMAL person will usually reach out at some point to a romantic partner, especially if the relationship meant a lot to that person.

So desire to 'check-in' or say hi is not a BPD trait, it is just normal.

Now given that, I wouldn't read too much into it as others posted. It's just a reach out.

It's not an invitation to date.

There is some healing that people still need to do, but you didn't give up your power.

Going NC doesn't mean you can't talk to the person; it is more about asserting boundaries and not being a doormat.

My eX contacts me all the time; usually the children are the excuse. I know there is nothing there anymore.

But there is still an emotional, one that will probably last forever in some sense.

Whether is a pictures in a box, or a brief chat; once two people were intertwined--some sense of that will remain.

BPD or not. That is what relationships are and it would disturbing if someone never entered your thoughs.

But it is not a relationship connection. It's good to have emotional connections.

It's good to know that people still think about you; now whether their motives is kind of irrelevant.

This only becomes relevant if you try to make this something more than it is; it is just contact.

Grieving, friendship, and moving on is part of the process. One can be friends with a pwBPD after the fact. They like people well enough (though you could question the quality of the friendship)

The notion is that eventually they might strive for more; that is the healing portion--knowing yourself enough; to see if you can handle more than friends.


Being anxious is normal and it is alert that you still have some healing to do. Good luck and tread carefully with your heart.

[JerryRG]

My ex texted me about a month ago, she said who's this?

I responded who's this?

She said, yo momma, jk it's Jenna

I did NOT respond

She then went on a rant quoting the Bible and telling me she a forgiveness letter for me and that she didn't have my address, she lived here a few months ago. So her trying to reenter my life.

NO CONTACT

NO THANK YOU

YOU ARE HISTORY

I GAVE YOU MY SOUL

YOU SPIT IN MY FACE

NO MORE!

GAME OVER!

Nothing we do or say will ever change them, how they feel, how they will treat us. If that was possible it would have already occured. Spent 4 years trying to convince her I love her and to finally get the help she desperately needed.

Times up,

Game over,

I'm out!

I agree with those here, save yourself and your dignity and leave them where you found them. Misery

[codes316]

Grieving, friendship, and moving on is part of the process. One can be friends with a pwBPD after the fact. They like people well enough (though you could question the quality of the friendship)

The notion is that eventually they might strive for more; that is the healing portion--knowing yourself enough; to see if you can handle more than friends.

Is that really possible? Being friends with an exBPD? I asked that question here a little while ago and not a single person could maintain or remain as friends with their exBPD. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291820.0

[tryingsome]

Is that really possible? Being friends with an exBPD? I asked that question here a little while ago and not a single person could maintain or remain as friends with their exBPD. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291820.0

Don't mean to derail this topic too much, but if you look at the thread there are a few people who say they have remained friends (this is a far cry from 'not a single person'.

However, it is usually the 'non' who chooses not to have the friendship or finds it too difficult. I am just stating that pwBPD do want to remain friends (though the quality of such friendship might not be ideal).

[Bigmd]

Thanks everyone. I'm doing fine today and haven't given it much thought. At the time it did freak me out when I saw her text . It is what it is. I didn't break nc by reaching out. She texted me. I may never know why. There's a part of me that is intrigued but have no real desire to contact her. Yes I do sometimes miss her and do still love her . We had a 6yr history. But I'm not real sure knowing what I know now that we can be together . What I can say is while I was married we would go back and forth like this only not with this much time in between. Maybe 1-2 months between break ups and I would often get texts like the one I got. I'm not stressing about it. She may or may not try again . I'm just gonna sit back and relax.