Are any of you friends with your exBPD?

[codes316]

After being dumped and basically begging her to come back as my SO or just a friend (I regret doing that now), she told me she will never contact me again until she is ready and then we can be friends.

I think its unhealthy to think that one day she might contact me again as I have done everything I can to move on- no social media, no emails, virtually 0 contact. However, my mind still wonders every now and then if she will ever reach out to me again.

Have any of you had positive or negative experiences with staying in touch your exBPD and/or becoming friends with them?

[steelwork]

I'm a person who tends to have good friendships with exes. This is the only exception: I can't see being friends with him, ever, whether he wants it in the future or not. We pretended we were going to be friends for a few months after the b/u, and it was a sham on his part. He has no idea how to be my friend. The minute I stopped kissing his behind, he dropped me cold.

[ScotisGone74]

To be clear, Bpd s only want to be "friends"at the end of a relationship in case they need something in the future, ie money, sex, triangulation against their other significant other at the time, it has nothing to do with you or with what you might need.   

My exBpd pulled the whole be my "friend" routine at the end of the relationship while getting engaged to another guy (unbeknowest to me)  at the time.     When I found out I just locked down everything and went NC, then threw up.  Alot

[gundam94]

No. Absolutely not. While she was dumping me and I told her that I was not going to be part of her life anymore. She said "but you're my best friend. I need you in my life". She couldn't understand why we could no longer be best friends. She couldn't understand why I wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

[Jazzy]

I tried to remain friends with my BPD ex for about 2 months after I got to know I had been replaced only because he insisted  he wanted to remain a "good friend".  Those were the worst 2 months in my life where he constantly  raged, called me names and humiliated me. At the same time I was expected to listen to him while he praised  my replacement to high heaven as  I was a "  good friend" .Not once did he think of the immense pain he was putting me through.  At that time the thought of not having him in my life seemed far worse than bearing the verbal and emotional abuse, so I bore it.

3 months later I cut off all contact with him. That was probably the most difficult   decision I  have ever made  in my life. Even though  I still love him and miss him every waking  moment   , by choosing to cut him off from my life completely,  I have taken away from him the power to  feel that no matter what he does I will always be there for him. I feel stronger when I realize he is no longer able to emotionally manipulate me or control my feelings.

[codes316]

Wow, I was hoping someone would have a positive experience. It's hard seeing whats normal and what behavior was BPD. I think its interesting that the only feeling she could pick up after it was all over was guilt.

When I had her on social media I knew she kept tabs on me, but its weird how she said we would definitely talk again in the future.

[codes316]

To be clear, Bpd s only want to be "friends"at the end of a relationship in case they need something in the future, ie money, sex, triangulation against their other significant other at the time, it has nothing to do with you or with what you might need.   

My exBpd pulled the whole be my "friend" routine at the end of the relationship while getting engaged to another guy (unbeknowest to me)  at the time.     When I found out I just locked down everything and went NC, then threw up.  Alot

I'm sorry about the way things turned out. Isn't the worse thing for someone with BPD to feel like their being abandoned. So, wouldn't you choosing to let her know that you are walking from her could mean the worse thing for her? I guess maybe that's why in my case she still wants that feeling that she can comeback anytime; Even though that is not the case.   

[gundam94]

The thing for me was, she was telling me she couldn't handle being in a relationship with me anymore. But she still needed me in her life. She said I was abusive and controlling but still saw me as her best friend. I'm sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Even if you took out all the horrible things she said. Take out the fact she has BPD. She still dumped me out of the blue, a week before I was going to ask her to marry me. She still destroyed my world and broke my heart. I don't know how anybody could still be best friends after that.

I told my ex that I couldn't stay her friend or in her life because she broke my heart. But also because how could I ever get over her? How could I ever move on if I stayed her friend? I couldn't. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. It doesn't work like that.

[Lexisdad]

No absolutelly not. My BPDex ended the relationship the day before an ivf procedure to become pregnant and also being newly engaged. She also wanted to remain friends. This woman broke my heart and made me out to be the bad one painting me black. I don't think looking back being friends serves us any purpose with people who were so disrespectful and extremelly verbally abusive in my case. I will never talk to my ex ever again after the damage she did.

[Teereese]

I can't see myself being friends with my stbxh ever.

I am his trigger. I have been painted black. I am the reason that.his life is complete poo. I know he will never see/believe otherwise.

He doesn't have friends, doesn't know or care about friendship. He has needs that are filled by people he calls friends. As soon as someone disagrees, questions, challenges or has a differing opinion, they are poo to him. He has been through a lot of "friends" since he moved out. They served a specific purpose until the purpose no longer existed or they realized they were being used or they didn't agree with the purpose.

He has pretty much written off his own children because they do not fill the specific need he wants them to fill. He does not want them to have feelings. He doesn't want them to express needs. He wants them to be present but silent. No nurturing. No connection.

It is as though he owns or possesses people and things but does no work in maintaining his possessions. When they (people or things) breakdown or have a need, he discards them, but (keeps them piled aside) and gets replacements. He is this way with people, pets, vehicles, his home and even appliances and tools. Everything is an object.


Nope. Friendship would serve no good purpose unless I was willing to accept verbal abuse, devaluation and his continued anger. I need his poison out of my life.

[jhkbuzz]

It's hard seeing whats normal and what behavior was BPD.

All of their behavior (both good and bad) is influenced by the disorder.

My ex said (repeatedly) that she didn't rule out a r/s for us in the future as we were breaking up - at the very same time she was out dating other people.

Remember, BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. I think my ex struggled with leaving me and losing me - even though she made the decision to leave, even as she was dating other people. Doesn't make any sense, does it? That's exactly the point - people who are emotionally dysregulated are chaotic and don't even understand their own behavior. That's the worst part of it - if I could have sat her down and asked her what the hell she was doing, she wouldn't have been able to answer. Her actions, while incomprehensible to me, were often equally incomprehensible to her.

I made the decision to let go - sent a goodbye note and unfriended (and then blocked) her on FB. It was how I gave myself closure. I was incredibly wounded, and I had to take actions to take care of me - something I neglected for far too long as I was trying to take care of her.

[hergestridge]

I am not friends with by BPDxw. She wants to be friends, but I don't want a BPD friend. I can't cope with being painted black regularly. It wore me out for 20 years and I now want to be free from that.

But I am not content with this. We have a child and it saddens me that our daughter will someday find out that dad hates mom. Because he does, and kids will see through even though you do your best to hide it. It's difficult.

[Bigmd]

Same here. My exgf broke up with me out of the blue. She too said she didn't rule out something in the future but don't wait around . I had one more phone convo the next week to try and get answers. I didn't know about Bpd back then. After she yelled at me and said she just wants to be alone she said maybe in the future we can be together. A few months later I texted her because I was drunk. She told me she doesn't think about us anymore but can be friends and text . Gee thanks. Beginning of October was the last contact.

[Frustratedbloke]

What do you want from it? A good friend? A person you can rely on? A confidante? Were they ever any of these things when you were together?

Mine relegated me to friends without actually telling me by just stopping sleeping with me, then tried to force me to accept the situation as she had decided it was going to be. I told her noo... .I miss the good times, but I don't regret that decision for a split second.

If you accept friends you're just going to be even more demoralised, even more hurt, for what? What will you actually gain from this friendship?

[WoundedBibi]

Friends with my ex? Hell no!

We tried for a few weeks. But his idea of being friends was still asking me to do things he should do himself (like filling out his Personal Improvement Plan for work), making all kinds of remarks and showing flirtatious behaviour to let me stay hooked (and so leaving the option open to start things up again) and to never ever disagree with him, challenge him or refuse anything.

After me refusing to fill out his PIP and me trying to move to the friend stage by letting him know hitting on others in front of me in the relationship had hurt me deeply (meant as closure for me) he painted me black and started a smear campaign. A friend does not do that. So thanks, but no thanks.

[iluminati]

As I have a child with my BPD ex-wife, I do keep in touch.  I try to keep it to a business relationship.  We aren't close, and I have no desire to be close.  She hasn't shown much interest in a friendship either, so there's no risk in that.  Once she was given the gate by me, she seems afraid to say the wrong thing.

[MapleBob]

That's exactly the point - people who are emotionally dysregulated are chaotic and don't even understand their own behavior. That's the worst part of it - if I could have sat her down and asked her what the hell she was doing, she wouldn't have been able to answer. Her actions, while incomprehensible to me, were often equally incomprehensible to her.

This was pretty much my experience with trying to remain friendly with my uBPDex. She dumped me (not exactly out of the blue, but after many breakup/makeup cycles), and we were in NC for 1-2 months. I then reached out to her about reconnecting and we attempted to be friends for ten months, until she discarded me as a friend as well. In the end she claimed that she "never wanted to be friends", that she kept in touch with me hoping that her dysregulated anger/sadness/guilt/regret/embarrassment would pass and that we could be together again (even though she insisted on strictly friendship, no reconciliation) ... .but it didn't. I pulled away quite a bit in those last few months of "friendship" (because she insisted on having more and more space), and then I heard that I was "withholding" and that our relationship (such as it was) was "pointless". Being friends with your BPDex is basically just "we're going to keep riding this rollercoaster, but without any of the exciting benefits."

[FannyB]

I'm on good terms with mine but can take it or leave it. It is very interesting hearing her view on things now that I don't seem to trigger her. I learn as much from her as I do from these boards. You have to have low expectations though. They do not have enough emotional energy to support you in times of need - so you have to rule that out before you start!

I try and be understanding of her travails and offer practical advice. I expect the 'friendship' to end once she starts dating again.


Fanny

[HurtinNW]

When I first met my ex he claimed he was friends with his ex-girlfriends. It took me some time to notice that he never once saw most of these women. Like his other friendships, it was more in his imagination than anything else.

There was one woman he did see every now and then I could tell he had a motive to see her. He felt he had looked bad in that relationship because he treated her like dirt and other people knew it. I eventually realized his motive for being friends with her was to redeem himself in his own mind. By being "friends" it was proof he had not done anything wrong. It had nothing to do with her or her needs. He didn't even like her.

I don't plan on being friends. The relationship was too damaging to me. And I don't think I would get the benefits of a real friendship. I certainly would not trust his motives, either.

[blissful_camper]

I'm on good terms with mine but can take it or leave it. It is very interesting hearing her view on things now that I don't seem to trigger her. I learn as much from her as I do from these boards. You have to have low expectations though. They do not have enough emotional energy to support you in times of need - so you have to rule that out before you start!

I try and be understanding of her travails and offer practical advice. I expect the 'friendship' to end once she starts dating again.


Fanny

Same here. We are on good terms.  Since we had a long term friendship before becoming involved, being on good terms again is nice. However as Fanny said, I too can take it or leave it.

I set clear terms for him and myself too. (This is what I will and won't accept within our friendship) He is in a relationship. I'm happy for him because being in one is important to him so I hope his current r/s is successful.

I keep it light, expect little and keep certain topics off the table.

[Grey Kitty]

My stbexW and I are still friends, and we stayed at least civil throughout the split. We've been separated for over a year now, and are just now finishing the financial/legal part of it.

I personally see that I'm holding myself back from friendship simply because I feel vulnerable until we finish the financial split.

Then again, my wife was pretty high functioning as pwBPD go, and she managed to work though the abusive part a couple years before we split, and while the way she ended it was heartbreaking for me, it wasn't quite abusive.

I'm even friends with my other ex, who is (these days, anyway) less mentally healthy, although I'd just call her messed up, rather than a particularly good fit for BPD.

[Cazz787]

Can anyone tell me how this goodbye letter should look for someone with BPD? I know each person is different, but I carry guilt for finally being ready to move on (after 30 years), while she expects me to always be there for her. I wish I could but I can't forgive, nor is it healthy to have her in my life anymore.

How should I write this? (we live hours apart... ) If anyone can give me the much needed advice I would be ever so grateful. I don't want to cause her the pain she repeatedly put on me without a blink of the eye. In fact, people in my life think she doesn't deserve a goodbye or notification. I don't know what is right anymore in this situation, I just know her condition makes it so she is not right or healthy for me.

I tried the friendship route, the covert abuse started back up. She can't stop herself from abusing or punishing me.

[blissful_camper]

Can anyone tell me how this goodbye letter should look for someone with BPD? I know each person is different, but I carry guilt for finally being ready to move on (after 30 years), while she expects me to always be there for her. I wish I could but I can't forgive, nor is it healthy to have her in my life anymore.

How should I write this? (we live hours apart... ) If anyone can give me the much needed advice I would be ever so grateful. I don't want to cause her the pain she repeatedly put on me without a blink of the eye. In fact, people in my life think she doesn't deserve a goodbye or notification. I don't know what is right anymore in this situation, I just know her condition makes it so she is not right or healthy for me.

I tried the friendship route, the covert abuse started back up. She can't stop herself from abusing or punishing me.

Hi Cazz,

I don't know about you, but when I came out of my r/s (ended 3 years ago this summer) I felt disoriented and confused. I felt stuck like I didn't know what action or direction to take to get myself moving forward. A big issue for me was I was swimming in self-doubt, guilt, pain, anger, anxiety, depression. I swear that on some days I almost felt like I had no compass to navigate.

You know what really helped me? Not taking any action when I felt confused or wasn't sure about what to do. That alleviated stress for me. When I put a decision on hold, I then engaged in a positive action to benefit me. (A hike, swim, walking my dog, watching a great movie, etc) Those activities gave me a break.

What I'm suggesting is that you give yourself a break. Focus on your healing and get your mind and heart engaging in things that feel good and reinforce your well being.

Hugs,  

BC

[Cazz787]

BC, I can't thank you enough for that compassionate advice.

It's the best advice I've been given in a long time.

You've described exactly how I feel.

Peace to you.

[Grey Kitty]

Can anyone tell me how this goodbye letter should look for someone with BPD? I know each person is different, but I carry guilt for finally being ready to move on (after 30 years), while she expects me to always be there for her. I wish I could but I can't forgive, nor is it healthy to have her in my life anymore.

I find it better to deal with the smaller question than the bigger question.

The big question is "How do I tell her that I don't want anything more to do with her? [In a way that she will understand, and not be overly hurt by]"

The first half is straight forward. The implied second half is impossible.

My suggestion is don't even try to deal with it.

The small question is "What do I do today when she asks me to be there for her in a specific way?"

That is a much more manageable question. Likely today's answer is "Sorry, I can't listen to what your boss did to you today. Goodbye."