Now she's angry

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I can see your point... .guess it was just an attempt to level the playing field a little. Spent an excessive amount of time being blamed, responding to countless interrogations, and always feeling like I'm the one that wasn't good enough. Wanted her to see what it felt like and how hurtful, demeaning, and minimizing it is. Was never the enemy, but she could always recite with complete clarity where my story changed, where i had somehow discounted something she said, or where I had wronged her.

i think its natural, when you take on a lot of blame in a relationship, to want to give some of it back. the blame isnt all yours HurtIII, it never is, relationships take two. when a relationship concludes though, the power struggle ends, and the only ones we can change are ourselves. it sounds like youve felt invalidated both in the relationship and out of it, do i have that right?

Onceremoved, I've re-read the article but I'm really struggling with it. With finding a way out. The triangulation never happened till after we broke up, I never exchanged a word with the 3rd party till she reached out to me after a few months ("almost weekend" "yeah, nice isn't it", and I tried to walk around with a poker-face not giving him a reaction to any slight. Which he hated and might have triggered him, but I did not want to be in this triangle, nor feed it. Inside I still felt in total terror panic mode.

I think I might dedicate a separate post to it in a few days, it's really complicated and I need to find some strategy before I go back to work.

great idea woundedbibi. if you start it ill be glad to join in

[once removed]

I can see your point... .guess it was just an attempt to level the playing field a little. Spent an excessive amount of time being blamed, responding to countless interrogations, and always feeling like I'm the one that wasn't good enough. Wanted her to see what it felt like and how hurtful, demeaning, and minimizing it is. Was never the enemy, but she could always recite with complete clarity where my story changed, where i had somehow discounted something she said, or where I had wronged her.

i think its natural, when you take on a lot of blame in a relationship, to want to give some of it back. the blame isnt all yours HurtIII, it never is, relationships take two. when a relationship concludes though, the power struggle ends, and the only ones we can change are ourselves. it sounds like youve felt invalidated both in the relationship and out of it, do i have that right?

Onceremoved, I've re-read the article but I'm really struggling with it. With finding a way out. The triangulation never happened till after we broke up, I never exchanged a word with the 3rd party till she reached out to me after a few months ("almost weekend" "yeah, nice isn't it", and I tried to walk around with a poker-face not giving him a reaction to any slight. Which he hated and might have triggered him, but I did not want to be in this triangle, nor feed it. Inside I still felt in total terror panic mode.

I think I might dedicate a separate post to it in a few days, it's really complicated and I need to find some strategy before I go back to work.

great idea woundedbibi. if you start it ill be glad to join in

[HurtIII]

Not sure bout feeling invalidated outside the relationship, but I had always hoped and approached the relationship as if we could resolve issues together. But that never happened. I learned bout BPD afterwards and now kicking myself for what I allowed, what I didn't recognize, and how I ended up here. Trying to take my power back but haunted by all the inconsistencies, guilt, feelings of being a failure, anger, and hurt. And at the end of the day, she wasn't even real

[HurtIII]

And then knowing that I have at least been replaced/triangulated by other coworkers just drives the knife in deeper. So yeah, I will have to allow time to heal, take the higher road and not retaliate, deal with her self righteous justification, and get my sanity back. I hate this

[JohnLove]

I am still spending time with my exBPDgf. She wants the relationship back, but she has done nothing to achieve this. Today she took the day off work because of a comment I made last night. We spent about 20 minutes before the fireworks happened.

Everytime we spend time together now it ends in her being hostile and aggressive. It's horrible. Whenever I protest or challenge her on her emotional abuse she gets angry. Tries to twist things into being my fault. Takes no responsibility.

She has done many horrible things. I spent years forgiving her, which is healthy in normal relationships but the level of forgiveness I had to practice became insane.

I am convinced pwBPD do not learn and grow. They cannot learn from their mistakes she has made so many big ones in her life and now in what was our relationship.

She did promise to "spend the rest of her life making it up to me if I gave her the chance" and can you guess what she did?... .NOTHING. They just were empty words.

She has only continued to convince me that her dissolving our relationship under some pretty horrendous circumstances was only a good thing. She has done nothing to resolve, communicate, or heal the relationship. This is how I know that history will only repeat should I give her the chance.

But the anger is the worst. When I try to communicate to resolve our troubles. The anger... .or should I say RAGE. She is female... .where the heck is her nurturing instinct?

DISTURBING.

[HurtIII]

Do all they cheat and/or line up replacement before they leave?

[WoundedBibi]

I think mine tried to line up replacement in two-fold before we ended, but I suspect neither of the replacements worked out as he had planned. One of them all of a sudden had one of his friends as boyfriend (who saw and grabbed his chance while my ex was on holiday I think)  and I suspect that pissed him off big time. The other one, maybe she got put off by his drinking or his open ranting and raving about me or maybe she was with him for a bit. I don't know. I don't really care either. The fact he was ranting about me (smart enough to never mention my name but obvious for me) on this blog he suddenly started in the beginning of December worries me more. It ended in the spring. We haven't had personal contact since May 12th, and no professional since beginning of June. I haven't laid eyes on him since beginning of July.

He has painted me black to many people. Is obviously angry with me beyond measure. And all of a sudden he writes about me. So if there was replacement, they have not touched his raw nerves as I have. I'm still wondering though if he wrote about me to express himself or if it's just another way to get my attention, to get me to react. To avoid having to contact me himself.

And while we were together... I'm not sure... he hit on others in front of me, so anything might have happened when I wasn't there... After the breakup he made a remark in a group so I could hear about him having sex with someone else when we were together. It could be true, it could have been just to wind me up. While he said it, he looked back at me over his shoulder with his little devil smirk, but I kept a poker face and did not respond at all.

Sorry, long response. Judging by the other stories here I would say the short answer is "yes".

[HurtIII]

She completely denies that there is anyone else when asked the question directly. But, I admit that I think she flirts all the time. Know that I probably shouldn't care, but it is one of the lingering thoughts that plagued me.

[WoundedBibi]

It really got to me at first too. It made me wanting to know for sure and jealous.

I'm past that now. As he can't be happy for long with anybody, and being with him is a challenge to say the least, I have nothing to be jealous of. I wouldn't want to swap with anybody that is in his life now. The booze, the drugs, the flirting with everybody, the bitterness, the blaming everybody else for his misery, the mood swings (up & down several times a day), the depression, the hangovers, his anger for using the wrong word, never being able to disagree, his urge to control. It all just doesn't weigh up against the happy moments.

Your ex lining up replacement or cheating says nothing about you, it says something about them.

[HurtIII]

Takes for the response... .know that it has nothing to do with me, but that really is a hard pill to swallow when everything was always talked about as one of my shortcomings. Latest issue is that I was recycled, spent a great two/three days together, but now she apparently is receiving random text messages from some unknown source that I have been lying and cheating on her. Hasn't produced any evidence, but she completely believes the information and is using this to vilify me and terminate the relationship. Dont want to be a conspiracy theorist, but does anyone have examples of significant others going to that extreme to push away?