Text messaging but won't meet... has anyone had this experience?

[tryingtohelp]

My SO (diagnosed BPD)  has been avoiding all my attempts at meeting up but sends hundreds of texts , she won't give any real reason why she won't meet me but just gives me endless lame excuses, ranging from illnesses, to stress , oh and of course work, she's just so damn busy , like working 48 hours a day etc etc.   Has anyone else experienced this ?  We have not had a break up or any dramas , all was reasonably smooth , which is saying a lot, and now this total avoidance, very irritating.  This has been going on for 3 weeks. ( I have known her for 8 years.)  She sends me pleasant chatty texts about our pets, the weather and various other small talk, and more annoyingly  has on three previous occasions suggested we meet up, only to then cancel of course.

Could this be part of a Push - Pull cycle ?  Maybe she's found another (temporary) guy? 

   

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[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, that kind of thing is pretty common.

What does it mean?

Texting is less emotionally intimate than time in person is. (Time on the phone or video chat is in between)

It means she's at a point where she isn't comfortable with the higher level of emotional intimacy with you. So yes, it is emotional distancing, pushing you away.

That's only half an answer--and the only half you can be sure about.

For the safety of your relationship, I suggest you treat it as if this is something that is 100% inside her head, it isn't really about you, or about seeking another guy, or anything similar.

And what she's doing is actually (relatively) healthy. Other pwBPD will feel the need to cut off texting too at times like this, giving you the full-on silent treatment.

The best thing you can do is let her take the space/distance she wants. Let her cancel plans, and don't make a big deal about it. Don't push too hard to make plans. Whatever it is that makes her want distance will pass in time, and if you haven't turned it into a fight, she'll be ready to come back a lot sooner.

[MapleBob]

I went through exactly what you're going through for (give-or-take) ten months. We were in a semi-long-distance relationship, so that certainly exacerbated things, but I know that this was an emotional-distancing tactic. Any time we'd get onto a "good" streak for maybe a month or so (no fights, relatively good vibes, equal back-and-forth communication) I'd bring up the topic of meeting (lightly) and would see her quickly backpedal/make excuses/delay any kind of in-person contact. I eventually pointed this out to her and (reading between the lines) she said more or less that it was too risky and too intimate and there was too high a probability of something romantic being rekindled between us. And then usually she'd find some way to sabotage the "good" streak.

So I agree with Grey Kitty: thick skin, light touch, low expectations.

[Mars22]

Amazing! yes, same thing happen to me. Unreal the similarity. Avoidance all the way. I say you keep your cool. Tell her how much you miss her. DO NOT pressure her. That's what I did and well, it back fired because i called her out on it and i had NO IDEA she has these traits. 3 weeks is a long time. And its such a fine line to try and find the right angle to get answers form her.

The real question becomes - how long can you be in a relationship without normal adult intimacy and communication?

Ugh... i feel ALL your pain!

Here's my quick story about the text email craziness. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292839.0

[obliv326]

I'll parrot what others have said and just tell you how familiar this feels. I'm in a little bit of a different situation bc my relationship is completely online and I've worked UP to texting. But yes, there have been periods where communication has been very clearly an attempt to push me away... .Starting with the very first time she really opened up to me. It was the Tuesday before thanksgiving. By the next Tuesday we were into our first big fight and it's not ever quite come back full circle... .

I think, maybe, if you want to get her to reconsider the thing to do might be to push her away. Take longer responding than usual. Make it seem as if you don't want the intimacy. Then she'll reel you back in. I did this around Christmas, and she freaked out and pulled in really close. Of course, I had no clue that she had BPD then. I just thought it was kind of game playing. But if you know the way the disorder works, then it can be an advantage.

[tryingtohelp]

Grey Kitty

Thank you for that,  everything in your response is 100 % on the mark, and I am aware of those points in the back of my mind , while enduring her behaviour but it is hard to deal with for sure.  I have got busy with some projects which take up all of my day and I have stopped texting her,  to be more specific, I wait till she contacts me, as opposed to me chasing her texts.  I sent her a photo (via txt) of a flower in my garden, this got a nice response from her, and a string of messages.  She has been telling me about some serious work related problems she is having at the moment, I have been supportive, but limiting my replies to a few carefully worded supportive messages,  currently it is like she sends five , I send one ( but a nice one)   Certainly the strangeness of it that I find hard to deal with,  is having this pleasant communication with her but feeling she will not meet... .having said that, I have not pressed her to actually meet for several days now, I will just give her the room she needs. It may take a while.

She told me she missed me today, it has been quite a while since she said that to me.

At least this odd game is still preferable to the 'silent treatment' ,   that is far worse,  but all of these facets are part of what goes with dealing with a person with BPD. It is great to hear I'm not the only one who has experienced this odd behaviour.     All of these patterns will repeat , over and over,  but it doesn't make it any easier to live with when we're being subjected to them again.   If you stub your toe, having previously experienced it doesn't make it any more tolerable when it happens again... .and again. 

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like you are doing pretty well all told 

I have been supportive, but limiting my replies to a few carefully worded supportive messages,  currently it is like she sends five , I send one ( but a nice one)

There is nothing at all wrong with doing this, but I do think that why you do this matters.

If you are limiting your responses with the idea that it will make her chase after you again, that isn't really good for either you or her. In general, the more you play into her push-pull games, the worse they will be, and this is still a version of playing into them.

On the other hand, if you genuinely don't feel like dealing with her very much right now, slowing down your responses a bit is completely healthy. And given that she is kinda avoiding you right now, that's a healthy feeling to have.

So I'm saying that I hope you are doing it for the right reason.

I have not pressed her to actually meet for several days

Good plan. Consider looking for opportunities to invite this now and again, especially if you can make them things that she doesn't feel pressured by. For example, "I'm going to do <activity she enjoys with you> at <time coming up soon>, and I'd love it if you wanted to join me." (Don't pick something that would look like an opportunity to pick up other women if she doesn't come along, of course!)

This is a version of my favorite technique for dealing with the silent treatment (when living together and being pointedly ignored): Occasionally offering some small friendly gesture, which showed that I noticed her, and I wasn't mad at her, but didn't pressure her to engage with me if she didn't feel like it.

The reason I do this is that the silent treatment/distancing usually started because she was mad at me over something (whether she made it up in her head or I really did it)... .but once it started, it kinda became a habit, and she was probably afraid I was now pissed at her for the ST, and would reject her... .or was just kinda embarrassed by her behavior and didn't want to apologize or risk the criticism from me.

This let her end it "early" if she got over being mad, and either got distracted with whatever she was doing, or just wasn't ready to reach out and risk rejection... .but would happily return knowing that she would be accepted.

[Survivingher]

I have to go against conventional wisdom here.  do not tell her how much you miss her.  she already knows.  its part of why she left.  she felt suffocated.  she wants what she cant have.  the best way to get someones attention is to remove yours.  act indifferent and let her come to you.  at the end of the day she is still just a woman with more extreme emotions.  also, maybe she is also NPD.  they loove texting games to keep you as a backup if their new supply doesn't work out.  don't let her disrespect you like that.  you need to be strong in her life.  not weak.    then ask yourself if you really want to have someone in your life that plays these stupid games, because they don't ever stop.

[tryingsome]

Question is do you want to meetup?

If so, it is pretty simple. Schedule something on Monday for Saturday/Sunday.

On Wednesday, cancel and say sorry you can't make it and allude to some other activity.

Then the next time you want to meet-up the pwBPD will be there.

Be available but not too available. It kind of goes with anyone, not just pwBPD.

Sometimes it is about the chase, sad to say. pwBPD like to be in relationships that seem 'new'

Good luck to you.

[Peterpan]

Yes I can relate to this, that's how they keep you hooked without applying any effort and also helps them keep the intimacy at bay. I questioned it a lot because I just couldn't get my head round someone claiming deep love and longing to see me, but not doing anything about it. It's a shame because if you ask this question on the internet the answer is

' signs he is stringing you along?'

Questioning it only left me more frustrated because he would say no I'm not, I just can't right now, and every single text proclaimed love, longing, yearning, missing me. I felt like I was being used as a fantasy, then buddy, then almost lover again but only if I pushed it.

It depends how long you're willing to be treated like a pen friend, never knowing where you really stand.I found I was conditioned to wait for texts every day, the same thing over and over and it doesn't feel like a relationship after a while.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Yes,  this happened to me on seven different occasions, didn't realize it at the time, but she was sleeping with someone else.  Oh course I was supportive and amazing, so it only lasted a few weeks at most.  Of course I did not realize the cheating at the time.  Gosh,