I'm preparing myself to have the divorce talk

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm preparing myself to have the divorce talk with my wife of just over 10 years.  She has been unwilling to look for work in all that time, she has manipulated me with every trick in the book, any time I try to do anything independently I get rages or silent treatments, she has cycled through various illnesses constantly - both real and possibly imagined, she plays the victim in all aspects of her life.  She is unwilling to accept any part of responsibility for problems in our relationship - unwilling to get the help she needs for her depression, anger, past abuse, etc.  I need out.

but

Finally facing this, I am starting to feel terrible and guilt ridden.

Guilty that she will be unable to find work and support herself at her age (late 40s) and lack of experience (even though not working for our whole marriage was her decision).  Even though I am terrified of having to pay indefinite spousal support and ruin my retirement plans.

Guilty that she will no longer be on my medical insurance to cover all of her doctor and physical therapy visits.

Guilty that she won't have her nice art studio to work in anymore at our house (though she barely has used it) - I will offer for her to take over the mortgage but I can't see her being able to afford it.

Guilty that she is getting on in years and it will be more difficult for her to find another partner.

Guilty that I made a marriage vow to her and I am abandoning her, even though I feel taken advantage of, used, just a meal ticket and emotional dumping ground for her.  I have told her all these feelings and she has changed nothing and offered no support.

Guilty that she will have an emotional breakdown and be unable to function.

Guilty for letting down her family and all of our mutual friends.


Someone once posted a quote on this forum, and I try to use it as a mantra:

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELL-BEING OF ANOTHER ADULT

but I feel responsible.  I have been in the caretaker role our whole relationship and I don't want this for myself or my life anymore.

I know I need to get back to therapy again to help me continue to work out these issues but I am waiting until I move out because frankly I cannot handle her anger, jealousy, and accusations that will surround me seeking help and talking to someone other than her about my problems and feelings.

Am I a terrible person for abandoning my wife?  for cutting her off because she stands in the way of all my goals and dreams?  for being unwilling to be the emotionally strong one and navigate all of her behaviors?  It sure feels that way sometimes.

[adventurer]

I'm preparing myself to have the divorce talk with my wife of just over 10 years.  She has been unwilling to look for work in all that time, she has manipulated me with every trick in the book, any time I try to do anything independently I get rages or silent treatments, she has cycled through various illnesses constantly - both real and possibly imagined, she plays the victim in all aspects of her life.  She is unwilling to accept any part of responsibility for problems in our relationship - unwilling to get the help she needs for her depression, anger, past abuse, etc.  I need out.

but

Finally facing this, I am starting to feel terrible and guilt ridden.

Guilty that she will be unable to find work and support herself at her age (late 40s) and lack of experience (even though not working for our whole marriage was her decision).  Even though I am terrified of having to pay indefinite spousal support and ruin my retirement plans.

Guilty that she will no longer be on my medical insurance to cover all of her doctor and physical therapy visits.

Guilty that she won't have her nice art studio to work in anymore at our house (though she barely has used it) - I will offer for her to take over the mortgage but I can't see her being able to afford it.

Guilty that she is getting on in years and it will be more difficult for her to find another partner.

Guilty that I made a marriage vow to her and I am abandoning her, even though I feel taken advantage of, used, just a meal ticket and emotional dumping ground for her.  I have told her all these feelings and she has changed nothing and offered no support.

Guilty that she will have an emotional breakdown and be unable to function.

Guilty for letting down her family and all of our mutual friends.


Someone once posted a quote on this forum, and I try to use it as a mantra:

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELL-BEING OF ANOTHER ADULT

but I feel responsible.  I have been in the caretaker role our whole relationship and I don't want this for myself or my life anymore.

I know I need to get back to therapy again to help me continue to work out these issues but I am waiting until I move out because frankly I cannot handle her anger, jealousy, and accusations that will surround me seeking help and talking to someone other than her about my problems and feelings.

Am I a terrible person for abandoning my wife?  for cutting her off because she stands in the way of all my goals and dreams?  for being unwilling to be the emotionally strong one and navigate all of her behaviors?  It sure feels that way sometimes.

[HurtinNW]

No, you are not a terrible person. Just one with a good heart, who is making a necessary but hard decision 

I can really identify with what you have said.

I am feeling the G in FOG myself. (Guilt). My ex is in his 50s. He is unemployed and has been for years. He has spent all his savings, has to sell his house, has lost most his friends, and is pretty much made a big mess of his life. He also is unwilling to accept responsibility. Everything is mine or someone else's fault. He rages and gives the silent treatment and has been abusive.

I feel guilt because I worry my ex is never going to pick himself up.

I feel guilt because now his narrative will be this is my fault.

I feel guilt because I feel it must mean I failed.

I feel guilt because I care about him as a human being.

Underneath my guilt is also a lot of anger. Some of it is defensive anger, of not wanting to feel blamed. For me guilt is very much part of my family dynamic where anyone who crossed my mother was accused of hurting her. She played the victim like no tomorrow. So I have a fear of guilt that has kept me from healthier behavior myself.

One thing that is helping me is realizing this: Staying in this relationship is not making him better either.

[GrowThroughIt]

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

All I can really say is, you may feel guilt because you may be co-dependant.

What you have described sounds like the "relationship" my parents have. It was/is difficult to witness, and I used to pray that my parents would get a divorce (or someone would adopt me!). After years of manipulation by my mother, I see now that it was her to blame more so than my father for the way things turned out in our family.

I say the above to you because, the toll of having to deal with my mother essentially ruined my father to a depressed, bitter & angry man.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF FOR ONCE! DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR AVOIDING MY FATHER'S MISTAKES!

I know this may all sound harsh, but I want to be completely honest with you. I want you to save yourself. More importantly, by you having these thoughts, it shows, you want to save yourself. NO ONE CAN EVER BLAME YOU FOR THAT!

[adventurer]

Thank you for the encouraging replies.

Has anyone else felt the extreme guilt - feeling wrong for the 'abandonment' or failing the marriage vows?  How did you get through to the other side?  Or does a part of you always feel like you could have done better?

[freefox]

Thank you for the encouraging replies.

Has anyone else felt the extreme guilt - feeling wrong for the 'abandonment' or failing the marriage vows?  How did you get through to the other side?  Or does a part of you always feel like you could have done better?

I have felt the guilt too... did I try hard enough? Could I do more? (Plus we were married 10 months when I left) But then when I sit and really dig deep, I KNOW that I did absolutely everything I could have. When I feel sad or wrong for breaking my vows, I realize I didn't do that, he did.

It's an ongoing practice, I'm not to the other side yet, but I am feeling much better. For me it's taking care of myself and focusing on my health and well being at all times. Eating healthy, being outside, reading, lots of time alone,  meditation ... .try finding what makes you feel at peace and immerse yourself.