Hard morning, need support and a gentle butt kicking

[HurtinNW]

Hello all

I'm struggling this morning. Last night I made a mistake. I went on facebook, which had been a source of difficulty with my ex. He used it a lot to triangulate his friends against me, elicit sympathy for himself, and so forth. I knew better. I not only went back on, I made a point of looking for his posts. I unfriended him after his last rage and break up, which was a month ago, but we have mutual friends and so his posts appear in my feed. Why would I torture myself this way? Of course he had been posting. He changed his profile pic to something self-pitying, and is posting his usual immature stuff.

I fell right back in the morass. I've been posting here for months, and I can go back and see how I cycle through the same emotions, never getting out of them. I'm working hard on looking at my behaviors, why I engaged in this awful dynamic. Just yesterday I was feeling things were getting better, and today I feel very down, very sad. I don't know why I do this. I pick up the ding dong, time and again.

I sat down this morning and wrote this out:

Triggers:

* Seeing ex

* Facebook

* Talking about ex to certain people

I know if I do those things I end up feeling like crap, everything gets stirred up in me and not in a good way.

I know I cannot reengage with him. I know this relationship has been profoundly destructive to my heart and soul. I know it was bad for my kids and I refuse to put them through any more.

Then why am I having such a hard time letting it go?

I'm also struggling with if I should see my old therapist or not. She was really wonderful and good for me. But she also made what I think now was a mistake. She saw me and my ex together for couples counseling. She also saw him individually. She stopped doing that and referred him to someone else, but I wonder if that period tainted her for me. It does feel that when I see her his ghost is in the room. She was forthcoming with me that she realized it was a mistake to see us together, and to see him. I don't know if I should return to seeing her and try to address this issue, or try to find a new therapist. I have a significant trauma history and it is hard to find people who are experienced with it.

[bunny4523]

HurtinNW,

Make the appointment.  You can decide later to see a new therapist if your aren't feeling better.  I just started seeing a new therapist that specializes in BPD and although I have only had one session, she seems to be on her game and has already brought some new light to the table for me.

I don't have any interest in what my ex is doing or any trouble letting go of him/the relationship.  So I am no help to you there unfortunately.

My therapist told me that I saw the signs but didn't follow my gut.  I new this relationship was yuck but my heart and mind tricked me into staying.  But I think she is right, my gut knew.

I understand going back and forth with the emotions but do you feel they are at the same intensity?  Because if they are, maybe you are stuck and a therapist could help.  I remember going back and forth but the intensity was lower each round.  Now it is more an annoyance with some anxiety when I think about it.  But it passes very quickly.

   

[bunny4523]

HurtingNW,

You know what else helped me... .read the other boards.  The ones where people are trying to workout there relationships with a BPD partner.  (they sound alot like ours... .I don't think I have been able to find a positive one yet)  Maybe that will be enough to scare you away from feeling like you might be missing out on something with your BPD partner.  A quick reminder of all the chaos you would have to be a part of again.  After reading those, see how your gut feels. ughhhh

[WoundedBibi]

No shoes on and little strength in my legs; I can do some gentle butt kicking 

Hello all

I'm struggling this morning. Last night I made a mistake. I went on facebook, which had been a source of difficulty with my ex. He used it a lot to triangulate his friends against me, elicit sympathy for himself, and so forth. I knew better. I not only went back on, I made a point of looking for his posts. I unfriended him after his last rage and break up, which was a month ago, but we have mutual friends and so his posts appear in my feed. Why would I torture myself this way? Of course he had been posting. He changed his profile pic to something self-pitying, and is posting his usual immature stuff.

I fell right back in the morass. I've been posting here for months, and I can go back and see how I cycle through the same emotions, never getting out of them. I'm working hard on looking at my behaviors, why I engaged in this awful dynamic. Just yesterday I was feeling things were getting better, and today I feel very down, very sad. I don't know why I do this. I pick up the ding dong, time and again.

I sat down this morning and wrote this out:

Triggers:

* Seeing ex

* Facebook

* Talking about ex to certain people

I know if I do those things I end up feeling like crap, everything gets stirred up in me and not in a good way.

I know I cannot reengage with him. I know this relationship has been profoundly destructive to my heart and soul. I know it was bad for my kids and I refuse to put them through any more.

Then why am I having such a hard time letting it go?

You wrote down some good points as triggers. I think all of us here would get sucked back into the swamp that is detaching from a pwBPD if we went with those triggers.

Now you know what your triggers are maybe you can look at what happens before you go with them anyway. What mood are you in when you cross your own boundaries?

I'm also struggling with if I should see my old therapist or not. She was really wonderful and good for me. But she also made what I think now was a mistake. She saw me and my ex together for couples counseling. She also saw him individually. She stopped doing that and referred him to someone else, but I wonder if that period tainted her for me. It does feel that when I see her his ghost is in the room. She was forthcoming with me that she realized it was a mistake to see us together, and to see him. I don't know if I should return to seeing her and try to address this issue, or try to find a new therapist. I have a significant trauma history and it is hard to find people who are experienced with it.

She was good for you. She made a mistake. But nobody's perfect. She admitted it was a mistake. If I were you I would go back and honestly discuss your concerns. It's the first rule to any healthy relationship with any person: open and honest communication.

Tell her it feels as if his ghost is in the room and she feels 'tainted'.

I would be surprised if the two of you couldn't work this out and do 'an exorcism' on his ghost.

It could also be a good exercise on forgiveness and moving forward; how do you get passed a (normal... ) person making a mistake? You will need to do this with other people in your life too.

[HurtinNW]

Bunny: Actually, the emotions are less intense and I do feel more stable this time. In the past when he raged and broke up with me I was a complete mess. His silent treatments totally unhinged me. The intensity of my negative emotions has been lower this time. I am still flooded with feelings but they also feel very authentic, if that makes sense. Like I feel sad but I am also able to name it. I can still function. I don't feel completely torn apart like I did before.

WoundedBibi: That's a good question. I think my weak points are late at night, when I am tired. I cross my own boundaries then. My mood at those times might be described as disconnected from the pain of the relationship, feeling lonely. In the past my real weak time was one to three months into the silent treatment he is doing now. That's when the immediate pain subsided and the real deep panic set in. I would often rationalize the recycle I knew was coming. I don't want to do that again.

That's a great point about the therapist. I will make the appointment. I will be up front with her about my concerns, especially that seeing her will remind me/keep me engaged with the idea of him. I need to move past that.

[WoundedBibi]

I think my weak points are late at night, when I am tired. I cross my own boundaries then. My mood at those times might be described as disconnected from the pain of the relationship, feeling lonely. In the past my real weak time was one to three months into the silent treatment he is doing now. That's when the immediate pain subsided and the real deep panic set in. I would often rationalize the recycle I knew was coming. I don't want to do that again.

Well... calling a friend late at night isn't an option usually (the "do you know what time it is?" situation is not the best way to hold on to your friends) but you could come here. If you're in the US chances are your late night is my early morning and there must be others here my side of the ocean that are logged in at crazy hours  We'll talk you out of wanting to reengaging with him 

Other options: go to bed earlier, do something you really like to take your mind of him. I don't know watch a dvd of something really funny, the Big Bang theory or whatever takes your fancy, do your nails, slap on a face mask, do some meditation exercises or yoga. Anything that makes you feel good that has nothing to do with him and takes your mind off of him.