No shoes on and little strength in my legs; I can do some gentle butt kicking
Hello all
I'm struggling this morning. Last night I made a mistake. I went on facebook, which had been a source of difficulty with my ex. He used it a lot to triangulate his friends against me, elicit sympathy for himself, and so forth. I knew better. I not only went back on, I made a point of looking for his posts. I unfriended him after his last rage and break up, which was a month ago, but we have mutual friends and so his posts appear in my feed. Why would I torture myself this way? Of course he had been posting. He changed his profile pic to something self-pitying, and is posting his usual immature stuff.
I fell right back in the morass. I've been posting here for months, and I can go back and see how I cycle through the same emotions, never getting out of them. I'm working hard on looking at my behaviors, why I engaged in this awful dynamic. Just yesterday I was feeling things were getting better, and today I feel very down, very sad. I don't know why I do this. I pick up the ding dong, time and again.
I sat down this morning and wrote this out:
Triggers:
* Seeing ex
* Facebook
* Talking about ex to certain people
I know if I do those things I end up feeling like crap, everything gets stirred up in me and not in a good way.
I know I cannot reengage with him. I know this relationship has been profoundly destructive to my heart and soul. I know it was bad for my kids and I refuse to put them through any more.
Then why am I having such a hard time letting it go?
You wrote down some good points as triggers. I think all of us here would get sucked back into the swamp that is detaching from a pwBPD if we went with those triggers.
Now you know what your triggers are maybe you can look at what happens before you go with them anyway. What mood are you in when you cross your own boundaries?
I'm also struggling with if I should see my old therapist or not. She was really wonderful and good for me. But she also made what I think now was a mistake. She saw me and my ex together for couples counseling. She also saw him individually. She stopped doing that and referred him to someone else, but I wonder if that period tainted her for me. It does feel that when I see her his ghost is in the room. She was forthcoming with me that she realized it was a mistake to see us together, and to see him. I don't know if I should return to seeing her and try to address this issue, or try to find a new therapist. I have a significant trauma history and it is hard to find people who are experienced with it.
She was good for you. She made a mistake. But nobody's perfect. She admitted it was a mistake. If I were you I would go back and honestly discuss your concerns. It's the first rule to any healthy relationship with any person: open and honest communication.
Tell her it feels as if his ghost is in the room and she feels 'tainted'.
I would be surprised if the two of you couldn't work this out and do 'an exorcism' on his ghost.
It could also be a good exercise on forgiveness and moving forward; how do you get passed a (normal... ) person making a mistake? You will need to do this with other people in your life too.