BPDxw wants me to pay for her lawyers - counterargument?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When we started our divorce, BPDxw informed me that since she's a stay-at-home mother and I work, she will be asking me to pay for her lawyers and her filings have indeed backed this up.  In the 18 months since then, the topic has not come up in any conversations between us or between our lawyers, but it will be coming I expect soon as I found out she has rung up a bill of mid-five-figures   despite barely even seeing the inside of a courtroom... .my lawyer is half the price of hers and based on his calculations, he believes she has been billed twice the amount of time I have.  On what we have no idea.

I was going to push back no matter what, but with that amount I definitely must push back.  I was wondering what the experiences are of members of this forum who have dealt with this and through success or missed opportunity, may have advice on how to argue against this.  Yes, I know my lawyer has experience in this, but I want to be as educated as possible and get ideas other than just his.

Here are some specifics of my situation:

1. She may have failed to consider that we would be splitting pretty much a large sum of assets between a house (already sold and split proceeds 50/50), various brokerage accounts and 401(k) accounts.  In other words, she would have a large account to draw upon for her legal bills.

2. Spousal and child support has effectively been more than half of my take home pay since I started paying and that will also hold true when I pay her arrears prior to my first payment to her (we tabled the arrears settlement for now).  Again, she is getting "paid" more than me.

3. Throughout this entire process, I have been the one who has consistently tried to avoid using our lawyers, trying to encourage communication and negotiation through email.  When she doesn't want to do that, I alternately propose we talk with a mediator that costs a lot less to help us resolve issues.  She has steadfastly held the position that when it comes to our divorce, the proper reply is "Speak with my lawyer" and avoids the discussion.  She's making this whole thing more expensive than need be.

4. While this may be more difficult to prove, I can paint a picture to a judge of stall tactics, reneging on agreements that should have been closed much sooner and general obstruction of progressing the divorce along.

All replies appreciated.

[HopefulDad]

When we started our divorce, BPDxw informed me that since she's a stay-at-home mother and I work, she will be asking me to pay for her lawyers and her filings have indeed backed this up.  In the 18 months since then, the topic has not come up in any conversations between us or between our lawyers, but it will be coming I expect soon as I found out she has rung up a bill of mid-five-figures   despite barely even seeing the inside of a courtroom... .my lawyer is half the price of hers and based on his calculations, he believes she has been billed twice the amount of time I have.  On what we have no idea.

I was going to push back no matter what, but with that amount I definitely must push back.  I was wondering what the experiences are of members of this forum who have dealt with this and through success or missed opportunity, may have advice on how to argue against this.  Yes, I know my lawyer has experience in this, but I want to be as educated as possible and get ideas other than just his.

Here are some specifics of my situation:

1. She may have failed to consider that we would be splitting pretty much a large sum of assets between a house (already sold and split proceeds 50/50), various brokerage accounts and 401(k) accounts.  In other words, she would have a large account to draw upon for her legal bills.

2. Spousal and child support has effectively been more than half of my take home pay since I started paying and that will also hold true when I pay her arrears prior to my first payment to her (we tabled the arrears settlement for now).  Again, she is getting "paid" more than me.

3. Throughout this entire process, I have been the one who has consistently tried to avoid using our lawyers, trying to encourage communication and negotiation through email.  When she doesn't want to do that, I alternately propose we talk with a mediator that costs a lot less to help us resolve issues.  She has steadfastly held the position that when it comes to our divorce, the proper reply is "Speak with my lawyer" and avoids the discussion.  She's making this whole thing more expensive than need be.

4. While this may be more difficult to prove, I can paint a picture to a judge of stall tactics, reneging on agreements that should have been closed much sooner and general obstruction of progressing the divorce along.

All replies appreciated.

[ForeverDad]

1... .She can pay her lawyer bills from her half of the marital assets in the financial settlement/decision.  At that point she won't be able to claim poverty, well, unless by then all the marital property has been split and apportioned.  Make sure a significant chunk is held back in escrow until everything's final so you have some Leverage for compliance on this and other issues.  I get the feeling she will oppose that.  Sounds like she'll have a huge bill.  (I never found out what my Ex owed but thankfully everyone expected her to pay her lawyer fees out of her chunk of marital equity.)

2... .She's already receiving more money than you get to keep.  Good point, don't know if court cares about that.  Try anyway.  (Ponder over how you'll handle the annual tax refunds, if any.  My then-stbEx refused to sign our joint filing unless she got half the refund.  Everyone conveniently ignored the fact that it was a refund of MY withholding surplus.  I never reduced my withholding because I didn't know whether she would refuse again.  If I had to file as Married Filing Separately I would have needed higher withholding.)

3 & 4... .She has delayed and obstructed the divorce process, always selecting the more expensive legal resources.  Good point, don't know if court cares about that.  Try anyway.

Has she and her lawyer been informed that your firm position is that she has to pay her own legal bills, out of her portion of the marital equity of course?  If she believes you will fight for her to pay her own bills, that might get her attention and stop stalling.  The longer the divorce, the longer you're paying the interim support, it might go down in the final decree.  Maybe.

What does your lawyer say is typically done in your area?

[HopefulDad]

Thanks for your reply.  My lawyer says #1 will be the big factor and the other stuff is more supplemental.  But he's also said weird things happen.

[livednlearned]

She may be using her lawyer to vent and complain. And her lawyer may be totally fine with that (billable hours).

My L was pretty candid in the beginning that if I needed a T, to get a T. 

It's pretty normal to think of your L as an advocate, and your wife may be doing that to the nth degree with no sense that she's going to pay for the lawyer one way or another. Maybe make it clear to her? The more your legal bills cost, the less you will get in marital assets?

[ForeverDad]

BPDxw wants me to pay for her lawyers - counterargument?

And you want full custody, majority time and free season tickets to all hometown games for the next 15 years.  Oh, and a full apology from stbEx for doing all this to you and the family.   Everybody wants everything.  Can't happen.  You'll get to gain some and you'll have to lose some.  A lot depends on who blinks first on the various issues.  Which are the biggest priorities?  Will you let her overwhelm you with endless demands and give in simply because she is so intense and relentless?  For many of the issues, you have an idea what the judge would rule.  You have lawyers to help you understand that.  Court and the lawyers love settlements.  They figure that when all is said and done that the outcome would be, well, not fair, but at least not too unfair.  Trials are messy, can be appealed and everyone walks out made at everyone else.  They want you to settle for approximately what the judge would rule, though of course both side try to get the best possible outcome, well, for themselves.  Court and a judge's decision it the ultimate Leverage.  So it comes down to how best to use that Leverage.  And of course whether it would work for you or against you.  This is where inner conviction, stamina, strong boundaries and being informed come into play.

My story... .It took over 21 months to go from divorce filing to divorce trial.  She had a very favorable temp order and so naturally she had no incentive to cooperate or settle.  On Trial Day she couldn't delay any more so she was finally ready to settle.  Well, there we were sitting in the courtroom, the 4 of us, I started with my One Condition to start negotiating afor a Settlement, that I would be Residential Parent.  I said, It's that or we start the trial.  Right off both lawyers said RP didn't mean anything but I stayed firm about RP.  I knew it would be best for our son, his kindergarten teacher, bless her kind heart, told me that his mother wasn't allowed to even set foot in her classroom anymore!  I was concerned if she were RP then she might move away and I'd have to scurry to wherever she went.  Also, I had been here for a while and I felt that it would be an important notch in my parenting history if I were RP.

Oh, my.  For the first time in years she was literally begging.  Then she offered to give up a huge chunk of her marital equity.  (Once our son came along, he became her only focus of life and I was trashed, you know, that All Or Nothing mentality.  Our son was the All and I was the Nothing.)  That's when her lawyer stopped her and they stepped away briefly.  I was sure he was telling her he needed to get paid and she couldn't decline her only way to pay him.

That's why I wrote asking whether you and your lawyer had been very clear up front, that you'd rather go to the judge for a ruling than roll over and settle for paying her legal fees.  Yes, it could backfire, it's possible the judge might not rule as you expect, but would it really be all that much worse than what they're already expecting or demanding?  And the benefit is that if it sinks in that the more expensive a divorce, the less she walks away with, that may impact her more than any other logic or pleas you could make.  People with PDs are very messed up, illogical and emotion-driven but usually they know $$$.

We have a saying here... .virtually every time you get a decision from a judge, it's better than the crumbs and ultimatums from a demanding entitled Ex.