Will it ever stop?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am trying to move on from someone who has a whole lot of borderline traits. We ended this very badly. Very very very badly.

The thing is I am trying to get my strenght back and move on. I never knew it would be this difficult. I feel like it is going way to slow. It is almost 8 months and I still am a mess some days. I am better then I was a half year ago but still. It is a very slow process. In the mean time I am reading this forum and watching videos on borderline to understand his thinking.

I started to feel better and realize he is sick and it was not my fault. Since he would blame me for everything and almost convinced me I was some kind of narcistic borderline psychopath (yes, all of them) that needs to die. I still have bad days where I totally doubt everything but it is getting better.

So as I was checking a video on borderline, I decided to check the comments. I started reading. When I was reading I came across a comment and I am 100% sure it was him. The way he chose his words, his anger and especially the content all convinced me it was him and he writing about me. He was commenting on a video about BPD regarding his experience to me! I cannot believe this. I was so mad when I read that. Still am. Especially since one person reacted with 'i understand how you feel'. I almost went and made a account just to confront him but I know I will make it only worse. He was claiming that he was doing good until I came in his life. Exactly the other way around. He was already suicidal, had depression, ocd and psychotic episodes years before I met him. That was the reason we even started talking, he needed a friend to talk to about his problems. I was doing fine until he came into my life and really turned everything upside down. It sometimes even feels like it didn't happen, it was that weird of a experience.

I just want to know when will he stop painting me black. I just want to be deleted from his mind. I don't want to know that he is writing all over the place about me, lying, manipulating just so he can feel good. I am not going to be split white. I am sure of that. But I just want him to stop thinking about me with his horrible energy and negative commenting. This means he is painting me black to anyone who wants to hear it.

When do they stop? And just leave it be.

[WishIKnew82]

I am trying to move on from someone who has a whole lot of borderline traits. We ended this very badly. Very very very badly.

The thing is I am trying to get my strenght back and move on. I never knew it would be this difficult. I feel like it is going way to slow. It is almost 8 months and I still am a mess some days. I am better then I was a half year ago but still. It is a very slow process. In the mean time I am reading this forum and watching videos on borderline to understand his thinking.

I started to feel better and realize he is sick and it was not my fault. Since he would blame me for everything and almost convinced me I was some kind of narcistic borderline psychopath (yes, all of them) that needs to die. I still have bad days where I totally doubt everything but it is getting better.

So as I was checking a video on borderline, I decided to check the comments. I started reading. When I was reading I came across a comment and I am 100% sure it was him. The way he chose his words, his anger and especially the content all convinced me it was him and he writing about me. He was commenting on a video about BPD regarding his experience to me! I cannot believe this. I was so mad when I read that. Still am. Especially since one person reacted with 'i understand how you feel'. I almost went and made a account just to confront him but I know I will make it only worse. He was claiming that he was doing good until I came in his life. Exactly the other way around. He was already suicidal, had depression, ocd and psychotic episodes years before I met him. That was the reason we even started talking, he needed a friend to talk to about his problems. I was doing fine until he came into my life and really turned everything upside down. It sometimes even feels like it didn't happen, it was that weird of a experience.

I just want to know when will he stop painting me black. I just want to be deleted from his mind. I don't want to know that he is writing all over the place about me, lying, manipulating just so he can feel good. I am not going to be split white. I am sure of that. But I just want him to stop thinking about me with his horrible energy and negative commenting. This means he is painting me black to anyone who wants to hear it.

When do they stop? And just leave it be.

[heartandwhole]

Hi WishIKnew82,

 Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It is so painful, and to think on top of that that your ex is slandering you all over the place is really hard to deal with. I know I'd be very upset, too.

A person with BPD or traits doesn't think the way we do; in fact, his/her reality will often be different from ours (we all perceive reality according to our own filters, anyway). So, trying to understand actions and feelings that don't make sense to you and me can be energy-draining and very painful. It is quite common for someone with an unstable sense of self to project his/her perceived weaknesses and faults onto others. We all do that to some degree, but someone who feels a lot of shame will do it much more often, as a matter of survival. It is a coping strategy that unfortunately might put you on the "blacklist." I'm sorry, because I know how much that hurts. 

Since you can't control when and if he'll change his behavior, maybe the best thing to do is start focussing on yourself and your recovery from this emotional blow. We are all here to support you in doing that. This site has amazing  to educate you about BPD and how to detach in a healthy way: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck. I've read your past posts—it's only been a few months since your last contact, so things are still very fresh, and it's understandable that your feelings are intense. Let yourself feel as much as you can and keep writing, it really helps.

Do you have supportive friends and family, Wish? Are you getting enough sleep and exercise? Is there something you can do for yourself today that would feel soothing/peaceful or fun/energizing?

Hang in there. Things really do get better. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[WishIKnew82]

Thank you for responding.

I will check out those healthy detachment tips.

The funny/ironic thing is that his last respond was that he wanted nothing to do with me and to just leave him alone and to never try to give him bad vibes (since I was the hateful vengeful person in his views). I have loved him. Still do. And would never wish harm on him. Haven't even discussed him much with other people because I don't want him to look insane and I want him to have some dignity in strangers eyes. That is how much I care for this man.

And then, for him to around and smear me on the internet as a crazy person is just ridiculous.

I wonder what else he has done and it just feels horrible to know that there are places online that I do not know of where he has slandered my name. It makes you feel so helpless. Especially since his hate is extreme. I even went as far to tell him that I would find out if I had some issues. But he could not deal with that. I had to accept I had a mix of borderline and narcissism. If I didn't accept his view of me as the truth then that would mean I was in denial and remorseless and basically a psychopath for not feeling what he wanted me to feel.

This relationship was a one way street to crazy town. I feel guilty for not helping him when he was still loving me. Because I saw red flags concerning borderline very early on but I just didn't want him to feel overwhelmed by all he had to endure. I did defend all the people he would split black (his mother, sister, best friend, even his therapist) and give the silent treatment to by trying to make them less of a threat to him. I believe they are not doing me back that favor which means that he is slandering my name to whoever wants to hear it.

It is not my ego as much as it is the total heartbreak I feel over loving someone who hates me so much. I hate saying things like 'after all I've done for him' but really I have invested all these years in him (which was a stupid move to begin with).

I can't see how he cannot comprehend the fact that people do bad things. I was always on the defense with him. Always.

It is really hard to deal with. Bad day today. That is all.

Thanks again.

[C.Stein]

WishIKnew82,

If you don't mind me asking, what bothers you the most about him painting you black?  Is it because you still feel love for him and it tears you up knowing what he is saying/thinking about you?  

If he hasn't named you during his slander campaign then I would try to not be too concerned.  It doesn't really matter what strangers think of you, even if they have a name.  Let people think what they want and be confident in your knowledge that you aren't the type of person he makes you out to be.  

[WishIKnew82]

WishIKnew82,

If you don't mind me asking, what bothers you the most about him painting you black?  Is it because you still feel love for him and it tears you up knowing what he is saying/thinking about you?  

If he hasn't named you during his slander campaign then I would try to not be too concerned.  It doesn't really matter what strangers think of you, even if they have a name.  Let people think what they want and be confident in your knowledge that you aren't the type of person he makes you out to be.  

Hi, thanks for responding.

Well, yes, that is a big one. I love him and I don't want him to hurt. So I just can't comprehend his hate for me. And some people here are talking about hate in a more general sense. I am talking about the true sense of the word. Like, really HATES HATES me. He despises me and hates me with every fiber of his being. It is really scary, come to think of it.

That is why I started doubting myself if I really wasn't horrible without knowing it but he is the only one claiming I am so it is really hard to go that mindset of being a abuser when the facts say otherwise. Especially since he has had problems with a bunch of peoples from his teenage years on. I even think his therapist is kind of scared to go against him. Everytime he was confronted with something he didn't want to hear from her he would blow up and she had to make it right and talk in a way that it made less of a impact to him. I kind of understand that because that is exactly how I acted the first few years.

He didn't use my name this time but he has in another instant. It just makes me feel unsafe that he can be doing stuff without any regard to my privacy. His hate has know no bounderies.

It just felt like I've spent all of my energy (ALL, Im exhausted) on someone who wasn't there.

I am just glad that I am at a place now that I know for one that I will never talk to him without a third party involved.

That may seem small but it is a step ahead for me. A few months ago I would've gladly answered the phone in hope of some closure without any precautions.

I just feel bad that all he sees is horrors when he thinks of me. After everything.

Do they feel something good occasionally while thinking of you? I just wonder. Is there ever a time when they see or hear something that is conflicting with their 'black' splitting. I doubt he would ever but then I think, how can he not. I've done so much for him in the most difficult situations. Just venting again.

I appreciate your response. This website is one of the few places that make me feel normal. No one in my life seems to understand what a relationship with a pwBPD entails and how destructive it is.