BPDex takedown...of us...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Really not as bad as it sounds.  For the past several years, we have been in a pretty good place with BPDex, my DH's ex wife.  Mostly, this is because we have a good parenting plan so when she acts crazy, we just ignore it, and when she is loving and nice, we connect with her.  This is largely possible both because of counseling DH and  have engaged in and because we are in a position of power with the parenting plan. 

REcently, we decided to move to be closer to the kids schools. We own, and cannot afford to buy another home, so we are renting.  BPD mom was very envious, and this triggered her asking for more child-support, unfortunately the day after we had put all our savings into a rental deposit.  The complication is that because DH owns his own business, and does not make much but taxes show the whole small business income, we will have to go to court most likely if the state agencies get involved.  There is no simple formula, and without the details he would be assigned child support that is twice his monthly income. 

She is not being malevolent, just feeling envious that we have more than her, and not talking about it but filing papers instead, because she is very scared to ask for what she wants. It is easier for her to convince herself that others should be punished for her not getting what she wants than it is for her to say, "Can you afford more child support?"  Ultimately, if we go through the court process, we will probably owe about $50 more a month, but it will probably cost $15,000 in legal fees, and we just do not have it.

Still, it is a huge blow.  Both DH and I are in the most busy times of our professional lives, the kids are just starting to open up about what is happening at mom's, and we simply do not have the money for litigation.  Also, this probably means we cannot move. 

Both DH and I were totally flattened emotionally yesterday.  We both felt like just giving up, but there is no place to give up to.  We both later recognized our feelings as how we felt for years, we are just out of practice because in most of the areas of our lives with her, we have power and are also just not as emotionally engaged.  The other part of her special skill is that she acts very nice about the thing she is upset about, and then ekes out revenge in some other way, so it seems like we are being unreasonable if we object. 

At any rate, we had some challenging conversations/conflicts, and I realized that this is not my problem.  It affects his finances, but does not directly affect mine.  We are somewhat separate, I own the home we live in now, and if we move it will be a financially unstable decision, but with a good fallback of my home if it does not work out.  And, I am just not up for being the lead in another legal battle. 

So I think I have some good boundaries. 

We shall see.

[ennie]

Really not as bad as it sounds.  For the past several years, we have been in a pretty good place with BPDex, my DH's ex wife.  Mostly, this is because we have a good parenting plan so when she acts crazy, we just ignore it, and when she is loving and nice, we connect with her.  This is largely possible both because of counseling DH and  have engaged in and because we are in a position of power with the parenting plan. 

REcently, we decided to move to be closer to the kids schools. We own, and cannot afford to buy another home, so we are renting.  BPD mom was very envious, and this triggered her asking for more child-support, unfortunately the day after we had put all our savings into a rental deposit.  The complication is that because DH owns his own business, and does not make much but taxes show the whole small business income, we will have to go to court most likely if the state agencies get involved.  There is no simple formula, and without the details he would be assigned child support that is twice his monthly income. 

She is not being malevolent, just feeling envious that we have more than her, and not talking about it but filing papers instead, because she is very scared to ask for what she wants. It is easier for her to convince herself that others should be punished for her not getting what she wants than it is for her to say, "Can you afford more child support?"  Ultimately, if we go through the court process, we will probably owe about $50 more a month, but it will probably cost $15,000 in legal fees, and we just do not have it.

Still, it is a huge blow.  Both DH and I are in the most busy times of our professional lives, the kids are just starting to open up about what is happening at mom's, and we simply do not have the money for litigation.  Also, this probably means we cannot move. 

Both DH and I were totally flattened emotionally yesterday.  We both felt like just giving up, but there is no place to give up to.  We both later recognized our feelings as how we felt for years, we are just out of practice because in most of the areas of our lives with her, we have power and are also just not as emotionally engaged.  The other part of her special skill is that she acts very nice about the thing she is upset about, and then ekes out revenge in some other way, so it seems like we are being unreasonable if we object. 

At any rate, we had some challenging conversations/conflicts, and I realized that this is not my problem.  It affects his finances, but does not directly affect mine.  We are somewhat separate, I own the home we live in now, and if we move it will be a financially unstable decision, but with a good fallback of my home if it does not work out.  And, I am just not up for being the lead in another legal battle. 

So I think I have some good boundaries. 

We shall see.

[Thunderstruck]

Wow ennie, we're going through a very similar situation over here!

I bought the house that we live in 5 years ago, long before I even met DH. It was a short sale and at the bottom of the housing market bubble burst. We're selling it for much more than we paid and will use most of that money to pay off credit card debts that we racked up in legal fees.  

We are buying a new house close to SD11's middle school that she will be attending next year. It is smaller but much cheaper and in a really nice neighborhood.

We gave notice yesterday to uBPDbm of our new address. She immediately looked it up. Then she raged about how it was 2 bedrooms and where was SD11 going to sleep? We said in a bedroom, duh. We have an infant who sleeps with us in our room, and by the time he's old enough for his own room we'll either move him into this extra room in the house (it's kind of a formal dining room) or put an addition on. Of course uBPDbm's reply was we spent that much money on a new house and it only has 2 bedrooms which means we didn't have any consideration for either of the kids. "So sad".  

Mind you, this is coming from a lady who refused to get SD her own bed for 3 years. They shared a bed in a one bedroom apartment. Then she got evicted and moved out of SDs school district in the middle of the school year. They live in a 3 bedroom condo with some rando roommate (a male).

I guess uBPDbm must have been seeing the dollar signs as well, because when we tried to discuss SD going to that middle school she brought up CS.

She won't file a modification, though. She makes more than she originally claimed and we're paying more (in daycare) than we get credit for. So we would end up probably paying much less.

I've cried a lot at having to move out of our beautiful big house. I love this house. It took years but we made it a very comfortable home. Now we're moving to a smaller place and it's in a new county. It's very emotional. But in the end I know that it will be the best decision for our family.

[bravhart1]

These entitlements are so tough to deal with.

Ennie, I guess it sounds like you are going to go forward with your plans, which I wholeheartedly agree with, we put our own lives on the back burner for TOO long in most cases (waiting for the pwBPD to settle down) you and DH should do what you planned. It will be months before she even gets a court date, right? Who knows maybe once it's all said and done it won't turn out so bad.

Thunder, if we were in your spot, I would be the one to file to pay less, if only because the other side would if they were in your place.

[Thunderstruck]

Thunder, if we were in your spot, I would be the one to file to pay less, if only because the other side would if they were in your place.

First of all, it costs much more to hire the L to do all that then it would be to get a reduction. Our L is kind of old school too. He would tell us to wait until the CE before we make any modifications. (sorry ennie, not to hijack your thread).

I mean... .it's considered perfectly acceptable and even normal for a mom to go to court a million times over asking for more money. If a dad goes to court trying to get a reduction he's considered a deadbeat trying to get out of his financial responsibility.

I hate family court sometimes.

[ennie]

Yes, that is how we eventually resolved it... .we paid 25 dollars a month more than ct would have ordered to avoid lawyer costs and stress. She is happy, we are happy, all is good. Phew.