Emotional blackmail

[unicorn2014]

This first post was originally titled 'To confront or not confront my mother' and was later merged with the subsequent thread titled 'Emotional blackmail'.

So now I've got a problem on my hands. I thought my dad said my grandmother drank like a fish. He denies saying it or hearing anyone saying it so now I have to deal with my mom. My mom's sob story is that my grandmother hated her. I've also heard her accuse my dad of alcoholism. The last time I called my mother she did not call me back. I'm actually afraid to call her because I run the risk of her not answering the phone, her not answering my question. I don't know what to do here. I know I'm going to call her tomorrow because that's how I am but I feel like I'm walking into a war zone. I suppose I could phrase it like "mom, can I ask you a question?" and then "I'm trying to figure out where I heard something. Is it possible you said grandma drank like a fish?" and if she says no then I'm stuck with a memory that I don't know what to do with. The other thing I can do is talk to my brother about it and get his input. Of course I'm thinking of all possible outcomes here. It is a serious matter because my attorney is trying to make a case so this isn't just family history, it has real implications.

My father has actually adamantly demanded I not ask my mother about this.

This is very suspicious.

Also my parents don't call my grandmother grandma they call her by her first name.

I feel like I've stepped on something stinky.

[unicorn2014]

I am indeed having a spiritual crisis and it goes back to my adolescence.

I am an artist and I drew a very similar  image as a teenager over and over again.

https://bpdfamily.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/out-of-the-FOG.jpg?itok=NdMq8m77

I was being emotionally blackmailed by my mother all through my adolescence.

My painting teacher has encouraged me to turn my drawings into paintings. I hope I am able to paint today or tomorrow while my daughter is with her friend and my parents. I can't describe the incredible pressure I'm feeling inside.

I actually have two mannequins on my desk that look like that puppet.

I have drawn multiple, countless images of puppets when I was a surreal teenage artist.

I feel an incredible surge of anger that is how I was treated by mother. I was very angry as a teenager. It was very difficult. I fought back against my mother.

Now I'm reliving the anger I felt as a teenager.

I hope that this time I can rid myself of these feelings of anger. I do not like them at all.

I know there is no point in confronting my mother, in fact my father has commanded I not confront my mother regarding my probate case that she forced my dad to initiate. She still blackmails him. She can't get to me anymore since I moved out at age 18. I'm actually furious about this situation and i'm sure my dad knows it. However I also have compassion and empathy for my mother and accept the reality of her situation.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

The title of this thread is a reference to our feature article about fear, obligation and guilt in which we discuss how we let our loved ones control us. I am sorry you for very long felt like a puppet on a string having your every move being dictated by another. In an older thread you have said before how you feel like the whole trajectory of your life up until now has been dictated by decisions your mother has made regarding you.

Having outlets to express your feelings can be very helpful and healing. Do you feel that painting allows you to express certain things you sometimes might find difficult to put into words? Like that pressure you feel inside of you?

Being able to acknowledge and deal with your anger is part of the healing process. I encourage you to take a look again at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse as this might help you now. Particularly the steps 5, 6 and 10:

- 5. I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions which holds THEM responsible

- 6. I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.

- 10. I can control my anger and find healthy outlets for my aggression.

Confronting your mother might not lead to the desired results put there might be other ways to get certain things out of your system. Something several of our members have done is write a letter in which they describe what it is that is bothering them and how they feel about their BPD parent. Though the letter is addressed to the parent, the letter is not necessarily intended to be send but more something for yourself as a way to express and validate yourself. Is this something you have tried?

I am glad that in spite of everything you do still have compassion and empathy for your mother and are able to accept the reality of her situation. These things are very important for your own healing and also to help you deal with your anger in a constructive manner.

Take care

[HappyChappy]

Hi Unicorn2014,

I’ve been through that reliving anger stage and it’s not fun, but hang in there, it gets better, much better.  Just wondering if having triggers on your desk, like the drawing dummies is unhelpful currently ?

On a more personal note, I won a National Art competition as a child and I was chastised by my BPD  mother for showing off and making her GC jealous. She then cut up my art portfolio. I’ve not painted for decades, and yet I found it so calming. So yes, they give us plenty to be angry about. Also recently found out that; Picasso, Andy Warhol and Salvador Dali were all considered NPD. Here’s an article about the link between art and NPD:

www.apollo-magazine.com/top-artists-are-narcissists-its-official-sort-of/

So you could say, out of the trauma of your childhood rose an artistic Phonex, a blessing ? I'd rather be a caring artist, than a permanently angry BPD (just look at Madonna, all that money but... .).  I would like to see some of your art, that’s if you don’t mind, sometime. Keep trucking in the right direction.

[unicorn2014]

Is there a place to post my art online?

Something happened today, my daughter went missing on my parents watch and that really brought things to the surface. I learned my parents can not handle my daughter the same way they could not handle me. I no longer have a need to confront my mother as I see that would accomplish nothing. I'm just going to keep working my program and will read the action steps Kwamina referred to.

The mannequins are helping as I have not painted since December and now I am motivated.

Thank you for the link on NPD and art, I will read it.

[Kwamina]

Sorry to hear your daughter went missing again. I can imagine the stress this can cause. Has she since returned home?

[unicorn2014]

I called the police, gave them the address of the place she goes to hide out and they picked her up and brought her home.

A big drama happened between my mother and my daughter and I this week which I think I should start a new post on.