..last words (i now regret)

[Mars22]

It's late here, I can't sleep and I continue to feel sad. I'm sending this email not to try and get In your good graces or to be mean, I've done enough damage. But I'm sending this because, even though I know it's not my complete responsibility - I really wished I was more patient with you and could have been more sensitive when I saw you experiencing mental anguish. I wish I was more supportive. I never wanted you to feel abandoned by me either. Please know it was hard for me too and I tried my best but I know I failed.

This will be my last contact with you as you asked me many times ago.

I have a lot to learn.

Peace

- M


I sent that email only after I read [ very briefly] about pwBPD. I was just discovering the disorder and how it so oddly applied to my relationship with her.

I guess i regret sending it now because it shows that I'm admitting guilt in some way, kinda telling her that she was right to finally end it after so many ups & downs. When in reality she was such a major contributor to the causes!

ugh.

[Violettine]

I think it's good. It shows that you know she's in pain from her illness.

[steelwork]

I sent a similar letter, long ago and far away. And then I begged him for another chance. At least you didn't do that!

[Mars22]

... it was sent only 16 days ago but feels like an eternity. It's tough not to follow it up with something like you were saying steelwork. But it really is day to day and i realize that... .if there ever is a chance she will paint me white again. Going NC is best way to go. After reading Bigmd experience, I'm not to sure i want to ever hear form her again. As, i have not read any happy stories yet of people with these disorders making it work after a break... .non-vs pwBPD.

same 'ole story here...

[Violettine]

... it was sent only 16 days ago but feels like an eternity. It's tough not to follow it up with something like you were saying steelwork. But it really is day to day and i realize that... .if there ever is a chance she will paint me white again. Going NC is best way to go. After reading Bigmd experience, I'm not to sure i want to ever hear form her again. As, i have not read any happy stories yet of people with these disorders making it work after a break... .non-vs pwBPD.

same 'ole story here...

Not true. There are many nons and bps who remain friends. It's just trickier, esp. at first.

[Mars22]

I guess it's the final sign off is what i regret the most Violettne... "I have a lot to learn "  I do have a lot to learn but, it perhaps now feels like I'm giving her all the power admitting and knowing I was wrong and she was right, therefore she doesn't have to change or take responsibility?

[WoundedBibi]

I guess it's the final sign off is what i regret the most Violettne... "I have a lot to learn "  I do have a lot to learn but, it perhaps now feels like I'm giving her all the power admitting and knowing I was wrong and she was right, therefore she doesn't have to change or take responsibility?

Exactly. You're taking all the blame. Which is unnecessary and unfair.

[GoingBack2OC]

I guess it's the final sign off is what i regret the most Violettne... "I have a lot to learn "  I do have a lot to learn but, it perhaps now feels like I'm giving her all the power admitting and knowing I was wrong and she was right, therefore she doesn't have to change or take responsibility?

Sorry for your situation MARS, Its tough. I can say that for me, I decided in the end to just give my exGF the power. Around 20 days ago, she left for a vacation which she planned while we were semi-still-together. During that time I decided to just give her space, and send her a message around a week after she returned (giving her time to catch up).

In that message I told her how sorry I was for the things I did, my part, my mistakes and bad decisions I made. Our final conversation was awful. It was a day before she left. I was crying, saying I didnt want to lose her. And she basically in just a very (best way to describe it) business/emotionless tone told me she did not like me, and went on and on saying really hurtful things.

I know one would say tell her to go take a hike; but the truth is, I just dont know what really happened to her. Something is wrong. Something changed. I loved her dearly, but she did change, she grew cold about 1 yearish in. I was no longer important. I tried to keep it together, but it of course failed in the end.

I decided to just give her the power because I really dont want it. I was honest. I was truthful. I told her what was in my heart, so I know that at least moving forward, I put myself out there like one should do when in love.

She has, since then, not responded. Nothing. Her last words to me, were Shut Up. Five years, and thats the end.

Personally I just want a clear conscious moving forward. I want no regrets. I made mistakes. I apologized. She made mistakes, and hasnt said a word.

I have found in life, the things that come back and haunt us, are when we knew we were wrong, or hurt someone, and didnt correct it or at least try and tell them how sorry we are. Because we all make mistakes- but hurting someone, and not expressing to them you are sorry, that you will carry with you.

I told her my peace. I told her I'd always love her. I dont think she will call. And regardless, I move in 3 weeks-- a move I am making because things failed and I just cant be here.

But at least my new journey, will be one where I am clear in mind, I apologized for my part in our failure. She chose not to. And that's ok. I am responsible only for my choices, not hers. So that said, she can have all the power, and I'll have no regrets.

[Mars22]

I guess it's the final sign off is what i regret the most Violettne... "I have a lot to learn "  I do have a lot to learn but, it perhaps now feels like I'm giving her all the power admitting and knowing I was wrong and she was right, therefore she doesn't have to change or take responsibility?

Sorry for your situation MARS, Its tough. I can say that for me, I decided in the end to just give my exGF the power. Around 20 days ago, she left for a vacation which she planned while we were semi-still-together. During that time I decided to just give her space, and send her a message around a week after she returned (giving her time to catch up).

In that message I told her how sorry I was for the things I did, my part, my mistakes and bad decisions I made. Our final conversation was awful. It was a day before she left. I was crying, saying I didnt want to lose her. And she basically in just a very (best way to describe it) business/emotionless tone told me she did not like me, and went on and on saying really hurtful things.

I know one would say tell her to go take a hike; but the truth is, I just dont know what really happened to her. Something is wrong. Something changed. I loved her dearly, but she did change, she grew cold about 1 yearish in. I was no longer important. I tried to keep it together, but it of course failed in the end.

I decided to just give her the power because I really dont want it. I was honest. I was truthful. I told her what was in my heart, so I know that at least moving forward, I put myself out there like one should do when in love.

She has, since then, not responded. Nothing. Her last words to me, were Shut Up. Five years, and thats the end.

Personally I just want a clear conscious moving forward. I want no regrets. I made mistakes. I apologized. She made mistakes, and hasnt said a word.

I have found in life, the things that come back and haunt us, are when we knew we were wrong, or hurt someone, and didnt correct it or at least try and tell them how sorry we are. Because we all make mistakes- but hurting someone, and not expressing to them you are sorry, that you will carry with you.

I told her my peace. I told her I'd always love her. I dont think she will call. And regardless, I move in 3 weeks-- a move I am making because things failed and I just cant be here.

But at least my new journey, will be one where I am clear in mind, I apologized for my part in our failure. She chose not to. And that's ok. I am responsible only for my choices, not hers. So that said, she can have all the power, and I'll have no regrets.

Thanks for the very thoughtful kind advice Going Back... it seems your situation mimics mine in ways. Mine left on a 10 day trip and I was the one who instigated we not talk and think about where we're going and if the communication could be better. Hoping when she got back that she would have some compassionate insights. Well, she got back and didn't even reach out to me, we'd make plans (3 times) to meet and she would always cancel them... finally I was bit upset and as I told her it feels like she was avoiding me and has made up her mind and is moving on. Yes, i wish i was calm like you but, she now felt pressured and that made things worse perhaps. But we finally did speak. It was the second to last time we spoke, we spoke for 5 hours!.  Our cell phones ran out of juice. It felt so good, we accomplish so much and she was so calm and understanding, I think she was on her Ativan in retrospect... we cried and laughed, talked about our differences. But, the i asked if we should be friends all she said was "i dont know"... she never had any straight answers for me. But, we agreed to plans to meet for dinner and continue the conversation 'cause it was late.  

And, would you believe in just one day she would call me at 10:30p, in a rage yelling at me because she couldn't open the door to this house on this dog sitting job I got for her. I was asleep and had to be up at 3am and could not get over to the house. I tried to calm her down but she so angry, i honestly had never heard her be so crazed that way before. No "hello, hey sorry to wake you" or even a "hello". she just burst right into the yelling. I was calm the whole while and then when I told her we need to focus on the problem, she called me a dick! and hung up on me. So, those were my last words from her... . My once sweet delicate flower has spoiled.

Best of luck on your new journey Going Back...

[GoingBack2OC]

I guess it's the final sign off is what i regret the most Violettne... "I have a lot to learn "  I do have a lot to learn but, it perhaps now feels like I'm giving her all the power admitting and knowing I was wrong and she was right, therefore she doesn't have to change or take responsibility?

Sorry for your situation MARS, Its tough. I can say that for me, I decided in the end to just give my exGF the power. Around 20 days ago, she left for a vacation which she planned while we were semi-still-together. During that time I decided to just give her space, and send her a message around a week after she returned (giving her time to catch up).

In that message I told her how sorry I was for the things I did, my part, my mistakes and bad decisions I made. Our final conversation was awful. It was a day before she left. I was crying, saying I didnt want to lose her. And she basically in just a very (best way to describe it) business/emotionless tone told me she did not like me, and went on and on saying really hurtful things.

I know one would say tell her to go take a hike; but the truth is, I just dont know what really happened to her. Something is wrong. Something changed. I loved her dearly, but she did change, she grew cold about 1 yearish in. I was no longer important. I tried to keep it together, but it of course failed in the end.

I decided to just give her the power because I really dont want it. I was honest. I was truthful. I told her what was in my heart, so I know that at least moving forward, I put myself out there like one should do when in love.

She has, since then, not responded. Nothing. Her last words to me, were Shut Up. Five years, and thats the end.

Personally I just want a clear conscious moving forward. I want no regrets. I made mistakes. I apologized. She made mistakes, and hasnt said a word.

I have found in life, the things that come back and haunt us, are when we knew we were wrong, or hurt someone, and didnt correct it or at least try and tell them how sorry we are. Because we all make mistakes- but hurting someone, and not expressing to them you are sorry, that you will carry with you.

I told her my peace. I told her I'd always love her. I dont think she will call. And regardless, I move in 3 weeks-- a move I am making because things failed and I just cant be here.

But at least my new journey, will be one where I am clear in mind, I apologized for my part in our failure. She chose not to. And that's ok. I am responsible only for my choices, not hers. So that said, she can have all the power, and I'll have no regrets.

Thanks for the very thoughtful kind advice Going Back... it seems your situation mimics mine in ways. Mine left on a 10 day trip and I was the one who instigated we not talk and think about where we're going and if the communication could be better. Hoping when she got back that she would have some compassionate insights. Well, she got back and didn't even reach out to me, we'd make plans (3 times) to meet and she would always cancel them... finally I was bit upset and as I told her it feels like she was avoiding me and has made up her mind and is moving on. Yes, i wish i was calm like you but, she now felt pressured and that made things worse perhaps. But we finally did speak. It was the second to last time we spoke, we spoke for 5 hours!.  Our cell phones ran out of juice. It felt so good, we accomplish so much and she was so calm and understanding, I think she was on her Ativan in retrospect... we cried and laughed, talked about our differences. But, the i asked if we should be friends all she said was "i dont know"... she never had any straight answers for me. But, we agreed to plans to meet for dinner and continue the conversation 'cause it was late.  

And, would you believe in just one day she would call me at 10:30p, in a rage yelling at me because she couldn't open the door to this house on this dog sitting job I got for her. I was asleep and had to be up at 3am and could not get over to the house. I tried to calm her down but she so angry, i honestly had never heard her be so crazed that way before. No "hello, hey sorry to wake you" or even a "hello". she just burst right into the yelling. I was calm the whole while and then when I told her we need to focus on the problem, she called me a dick! and hung up on me. So, those were my last words from her... . My once sweet delicate flower has spoiled.

Best of luck on your new journey Going Back...

I know you said you accomplished so much in that one 5 hour call. For me, it seems every time I felt we accomplished something, like actually were able to communicate, it all went out the window a day or two later.

Like please dont call me horrible names. Answer the phone when I call. Etc.

Here is a link to a film I made, 4 years prior to her discarding me like I was nothing.

The final picture at the end, as it fades, was how I felt... .4 years prior to it actually happened.

I just knew. I had this gut feeling I would be erased. If you watch the film, it's the last sequence of images.

But this is the story of Us.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289002.0;all

(Mods have approved this video posting, it contains no personal information, and has been posted before with approval from mods).

[Mars22]

I guess it's the final sign off is what i regret the most Violettne... "I have a lot to learn "  I do have a lot to learn but, it perhaps now feels like I'm giving her all the power admitting and knowing I was wrong and she was right, therefore she doesn't have to change or take responsibility?

Sorry for your situation MARS, Its tough. I can say that for me, I decided in the end to just give my exGF the power. Around 20 days ago, she left for a vacation which she planned while we were semi-still-together. During that time I decided to just give her space, and send her a message around a week after she returned (giving her time to catch up).

In that message I told her how sorry I was for the things I did, my part, my mistakes and bad decisions I made. Our final conversation was awful. It was a day before she left. I was crying, saying I didnt want to lose her. And she basically in just a very (best way to describe it) business/emotionless tone told me she did not like me, and went on and on saying really hurtful things.

I know one would say tell her to go take a hike; but the truth is, I just dont know what really happened to her. Something is wrong. Something changed. I loved her dearly, but she did change, she grew cold about 1 yearish in. I was no longer important. I tried to keep it together, but it of course failed in the end.

I decided to just give her the power because I really dont want it. I was honest. I was truthful. I told her what was in my heart, so I know that at least moving forward, I put myself out there like one should do when in love.

She has, since then, not responded. Nothing. Her last words to me, were Shut Up. Five years, and thats the end.

Personally I just want a clear conscious moving forward. I want no regrets. I made mistakes. I apologized. She made mistakes, and hasnt said a word.

I have found in life, the things that come back and haunt us, are when we knew we were wrong, or hurt someone, and didnt correct it or at least try and tell them how sorry we are. Because we all make mistakes- but hurting someone, and not expressing to them you are sorry, that you will carry with you.

I told her my peace. I told her I'd always love her. I dont think she will call. And regardless, I move in 3 weeks-- a move I am making because things failed and I just cant be here.

But at least my new journey, will be one where I am clear in mind, I apologized for my part in our failure. She chose not to. And that's ok. I am responsible only for my choices, not hers. So that said, she can have all the power, and I'll have no regrets.

Thanks for the very thoughtful kind advice Going Back... it seems your situation mimics mine in ways. Mine left on a 10 day trip and I was the one who instigated we not talk and think about where we're going and if the communication could be better. Hoping when she got back that she would have some compassionate insights. Well, she got back and didn't even reach out to me, we'd make plans (3 times) to meet and she would always cancel them... finally I was bit upset and as I told her it feels like she was avoiding me and has made up her mind and is moving on. Yes, i wish i was calm like you but, she now felt pressured and that made things worse perhaps. But we finally did speak. It was the second to last time we spoke, we spoke for 5 hours!.  Our cell phones ran out of juice. It felt so good, we accomplish so much and she was so calm and understanding, I think she was on her Ativan in retrospect... we cried and laughed, talked about our differences. But, the i asked if we should be friends all she said was "i dont know"... she never had any straight answers for me. But, we agreed to plans to meet for dinner and continue the conversation 'cause it was late. 

And, would you believe in just one day she would call me at 10:30p, in a rage yelling at me because she couldn't open the door to this house on this dog sitting job I got for her. I was asleep and had to be up at 3am and could not get over to the house. I tried to calm her down but she so angry, i honestly had never heard her be so crazed that way before. No "hello, hey sorry to wake you" or even a "hello". she just burst right into the yelling. I was calm the whole while and then when I told her we need to focus on the problem, she called me a dick! and hung up on me. So, those were my last words from her... .  My once sweet delicate flower has spoiled.

Best of luck on your new journey Going Back...

I know you said you accomplished so much in that one 5 hour call. For me, it seems every time I felt we accomplished something, like actually were able to communicate, it all went out the window a day or two later.

Like please dont call me horrible names. Answer the phone when I call. Etc.

Here is a link to a film I made, 4 years prior to her discarding me like I was nothing.

The final picture at the end, as it fades, was how I felt... .4 years prior to it actually happened.

I just knew. I had this gut feeling I would be erased. If you watch the film, it's the last sequence of images.

But this is the story of Us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmOQaZwXN0A

(Mods have approved this video posting, it contains no personal information, and has been posted before with approval from mods).

So, your film is kinda unreal. It seriously brought me away from my computer and brought me to tears. But ya know what, that cry had been building for a couple days now so, thank you. Watching it gave me a difficult realization towards  my relationship ... in that — I wish I had so many great memories like you both shared but, me and my ex were only together one year and she was not really present in my life as you two seemed. You both, and together are so such beautiful people, and a handsome couple indeed. Did she ever see this?


Thank you for sharing your story with me. You have a bright future. I'm sure of it.

[GoingBack2OC]

Thanks Mars,

Well, for me, its a very hard piece to watch. I spent a few weeks working on it, a lot of time went into the placement of each image, where, with the lyrics. So each picture, from the 1000s we had already taken at 1.5 years in, was so carefully chosen for each verse.

She did see it. I made it originally for me, but I ended up showing it to her. She was not happy with the ending. Which I understand.

I explained the meaning, that I felt as though she was closing off to me, back then, way back then. I felt as though she was pulling out of my life rather than growing with me. It was in some ways, an "artistic cry for help". A cathartic attempt to say, hey, I am worried this will happen.

And it did happen.

I won't lie Mars. I am hurting. So much so it's manifested itself physically, which severe heartbreak can do. A pain, in my chest, and stomach.

I miss her, I said things I regret, out of frustration and anger, which doesnt excuse it. I feel bad that in the end I hurt her, and now she is basically erased me.

If I watch the film I just posted for you, I'd cry. I dont know how to find that again.

I don't know I have the energy and charisma and time to do so, it's like a dream I wish I had never woken up from. I wonder where those two people went.

[Mars22]

Thanks Mars,

Well, for me, its a very hard piece to watch. I spent a few weeks working on it, a lot of time went into the placement of each image, where, with the lyrics. So each picture, from the 1000s we had already taken at 1.5 years in, was so carefully chosen for each verse.

She did see it. I made it originally for me, but I ended up showing it to her. She was not happy with the ending. Which I understand.

I explained the meaning, that I felt as though she was closing off to me, back then, way back then. I felt as though she was pulling out of my life rather than growing with me. It was in some ways, an "artistic cry for help". A cathartic attempt to say, hey, I am worried this will happen.

And it did happen.

I won't lie Mars. I am hurting. So much so it's manifested itself physically, which severe heartbreak can do. A pain, in my chest, and stomach.

I miss her, I said things I regret, out of frustration and anger, which doesnt excuse it. I feel bad that in the end I hurt her, and now she is basically erased me.

If I watch the film I just posted for you, I'd cry. I dont know how to find that again.

I don't know I have the energy and charisma and time to do so, it's like a dream I wish I had never woken up from. I wonder where those two people went.

Going Back, I've read your advice you gave to Sweet tooth in another thread and it was so well said and it really hit me. It spoke to me brother.

you said:

"We dont just lose the person when we are dumped or a relationship fails. We lose all the hopes and dreams for the future we were planning on and counting on and working towards. So we in a sense feel lost, directionless.

This is natural, it hurts, I am hurting, but in time we regain our footing, we meet new people, and things happen, and our lives begin to take direction again.

You are not alone. The entire music industry writes only about lost love and heartbreak. 50% of marriages fail. I'd say only 1/3 of marriages that stay together are "truly" happy.

Love IS rare. But it can be found. Dont give up. Just give it time. Let yourself feel, cry, have bad days. Its part of the healing process... ."


Now, having a perspective like that shows to me and quite frankly the universe that you are an extremely loving, intelligent and thoughtful human being. And i stress human because, after awhile I'm sure you needed to show a bit of dignity towards how you were being treated. Or, how about how you were not being appreciated. We do understand you didn't want to hurt her. Did she want to hurt you? Out of the year me and my exGF were together i was the peacemaker the entire time. I did not ever start one argument. However, it would become relentless. It felt like i was being provoked to prove just how much i loved her. I strived for peace, and she strived for chaos.

I am so very heartbroken for you and that you are feeling physical pain; the way it's manifested in your soul. Its still so new although I know it feels like time has slowed. It sounds like were both on the same schedule with this. I too feel erased. And well, it boggles the mind to know another person can be capable of such lack of awareness.

Buddhism says that the root of suffering is attachment. And in there is where i feel all my pain resides. Its about letting go. Detaching. If we can just for at least a few moments at a time just let go. We can reattach again when we feel ourselves falling, although we must practice fully letting go. We must learn to believe there will be a net.

[GoingBack2OC]

Thanks Mars,

Well, for me, its a very hard piece to watch. I spent a few weeks working on it, a lot of time went into the placement of each image, where, with the lyrics. So each picture, from the 1000s we had already taken at 1.5 years in, was so carefully chosen for each verse.

She did see it. I made it originally for me, but I ended up showing it to her. She was not happy with the ending. Which I understand.

I explained the meaning, that I felt as though she was closing off to me, back then, way back then. I felt as though she was pulling out of my life rather than growing with me. It was in some ways, an "artistic cry for help". A cathartic attempt to say, hey, I am worried this will happen.

And it did happen.

I won't lie Mars. I am hurting. So much so it's manifested itself physically, which severe heartbreak can do. A pain, in my chest, and stomach.

I miss her, I said things I regret, out of frustration and anger, which doesnt excuse it. I feel bad that in the end I hurt her, and now she is basically erased me.

If I watch the film I just posted for you, I'd cry. I dont know how to find that again.

I don't know I have the energy and charisma and time to do so, it's like a dream I wish I had never woken up from. I wonder where those two people went.

Going Back, I've read your advice you gave to Sweet tooth in another thread and it was so well said and it really hit me. It spoke to me brother.

you said:

"We dont just lose the person when we are dumped or a relationship fails. We lose all the hopes and dreams for the future we were planning on and counting on and working towards. So we in a sense feel lost, directionless.

This is natural, it hurts, I am hurting, but in time we regain our footing, we meet new people, and things happen, and our lives begin to take direction again.

You are not alone. The entire music industry writes only about lost love and heartbreak. 50% of marriages fail. I'd say only 1/3 of marriages that stay together are "truly" happy.

Love IS rare. But it can be found. Dont give up. Just give it time. Let yourself feel, cry, have bad days. Its part of the healing process... ."


Now, having a perspective like that shows to me and quite frankly the universe that you are an extremely loving, intelligent and thoughtful human being. And i stress human because, after awhile I'm sure you needed to show a bit of dignity towards how you were being treated. Or, how about how you were not being appreciated. We do understand you didn't want to hurt her. Did she want to hurt you? Out of the year me and my exGF were together i was the peacemaker the entire time. I did not ever start one argument. However, it would become relentless. It felt like i was being provoked to prove just how much i loved her. I strived for peace, and she strived for chaos.

I am so very heartbroken for you and that you are feeling physical pain; the way it's manifested in your soul. Its still so new although I know it feels like time has slowed. It sounds like were both on the same schedule with this. I too feel erased. And well, it boggles the mind to know another person can be capable of such lack of awareness.

Buddhism says that the root of suffering is attachment. And in there is where i feel all my pain resides. Its about letting go. Detaching. If we can just for at least a few moments at a time just let go. We can reattach again when we feel ourselves falling, although we must practice fully letting go. We must learn to believe there will be a net.

Thanks so much Mars for your kind words. It really means a lot, I mean it. Believe it or not, it's the first genuinely kind compliment I've had in quite some time. A really long time.

I am a shadow of myself, the guy you see in that video. A lot of those pictures were taken 3-4 years ago. When I made the film. I feel as though I have aged 20 years, I look, well older- mostly, I think my self esteem and the optimism I used to have has in many ways been shattered.

Most days I feel as though I just don't know what I did to "deserve" this. I use quotations because I know full well "deserve" has nothing to do with it. I entered into a relationship with someone I didnt know. I ignored red flags. I obviously sensed things were wrong, after all I made the film of me being erased, her left sticking her tongue out at the viewer.

So I take responsibility for my actions, good and bad, it's all I can do. I alone am responsible for where I have ended up. I'd go into the details, but it's such a nightmare you wouldnt believe.

To simply just say this, the chaos which our relationship seemed to orbit around had a profound and disastrous effect on my life. It drove wedges inbetween long and old friendships. I withdrew from most of the important people in my life. When things are going terrible, when you feel terrible, hopeless, shattered, for so long, when you have nothing good to report, no good news, when you have to fake smiles, and havent laughed in so long, when you feel you are no longer who you were, a person you actually liked, and other people liked, you begin to hide.

In addition, I learned through this experience, that some of the people in my life, namely family members, ended up not really being there for me-- in the way I needed them to-- whatsoever.

I understand they were exasperated by what was happening to me, what they saw. But for the last two years of us being together, I became quite literally a recluse. Lonliness is not a strong enough word. I so many times cried out to people, the ones closest to me, pleading I just needed company, just needed someone to talk to, someone to listen.

For the most part what I got was:  Get over it. Just move on. I will see you but I don't want to hear about her. I was muted by those I trusted most. And I came to realize that these people could simply not empathize at all whatsoever with how hurt I was feeling. I was crying, on the phone with my Dad, and mid-sentence he told me to shut up or he was hanging up. This man, was a great Dad, I had a great childhood. I was never abused, neglected. But I realized he simply had no idea how to comfort me, I dont know what to think. Just get over it. Get help. That was his line, You need to get help. Dad I just want company. I just want to watch a movie with someone. Get help. Call 911 if it's an emergency.

So that, has shattered me as well. I lost my business, a lot of money, friends, it's a bad situation. I have no one to blame but myself.

The most hurtful thing was just how aloof my ex was to everything. She simply didnt care. And she made me know it. She literally would tell me, you are my last priority. I am busy what do you want. It was degrading, and I had never experienced anything like that.

I called my ex ex (2 gfs ago) right before Christmas. This was a girl I dumped. I broke her heart. I called her (shes married now), crying. I was grateful she even talked to me, and for a full hour. But I asked her:

"When we were together, did I call you horrible names? When we fought... .did I say the most terrible things?"  She responded:  "No, we never fought like that, we didnt really fight ever". I broke down.

My exGFuBPD literally broke me. She asked me about a month before she dumped me around Christmas:  You are a bully, I wonder- where did you learn that from?

I said: I think I learned it from you.

I had never been a bully before. I had never cursed at people, let alone a girlfriend. I had never, not even once, called a past girlfriend a mean name, not that I can really remember at least.

But once you fall in love with a person who seems, and presents themself as exactly who you want them to be. Once you are hooked. And slowly they begin to break you down.

A parasite. A worthless piece of sh**. A monster. I hate you (countless times). I dont think anyone had EVER said the words "I hate you" to me. Ever. She said it literally daily.

Once a person is called so many things like that, and told how worthless they are, for so long, and how they are hated, worthless. It changes you.

I don't hate her. I don't think she has any clue to what effect she hurt me. I tried to get her to talk about it, to open up, to be honest with me about how she felt. My take away is she is unable to feel. She cannot empathize with people. She fakes it very well. But there has to be a reason. Superficial charm. People she doesnt know, she must maintain her image of perfectness. If she knows I'm being or will be very giving, a gift, or doing things for her, ok she will fake it.

But if I called her up on a random day and said my grandfather died she would literally say, look I'm busy, if she answered at all.

It's really sad, for me, for not walking away. But I was so in a sense addicted to that first year, I spent the following 4 trying to make it stay how it was, and having never been exposed to BPD, or being treated so horribly, I lacked the defense mechanisms to protect myself. I was never exposed to anything like this. I was not prepared.

Be glad you only had 1.5 years with yours. I spent a half decade, 4 years of which were honestly hell. I fell in love with an angel and spent a half decade in hell with her. And now I am trying to claw my way out.

My shrink said the same thing. Be glad you didnt marry her. Be glad you didnt get her pregnant. It's true. It would have ruined my life.

We should be grateful, and remember that, we dodged a lifetime bullet of hell had we gotten married to these people, had children with them, and lost any chance at the life we all wish and dream for.

Keep on truckin'.  It's all we can do.

[GoingBack2OC]

To add, I recently read a quote by I believe F. Scott Fitzgerald.

He said to the effect, that lonliness is not a product of one lacking contact with other people. It is a state where one's soul is deprived of intimacy.

Which pretty much sums up how it was for me.

If you havent seen The Martian, with Matt Damon. Watch it. The final scene in the film, his short monologue, it relates to what we have to do - all of us here, every day.

Watch it, it will hit home.

[Mars22]

Wow... So very powerful... powerful stuff GoingBack. What a trip? - Your story, all be it subtly different from mine sounds more like the textbook symptoms of somebody with BPD, from what I've been reading relentlessly for weeks now anyway. Mine was more of a waif, a silent assassin of sorts so, she would internalize most of it and then rage out of nowhere about all sorts things, mostly trust issues and that I'm treating her badly [when in reality I did everything for her], but she was never vulgar and coldly demeaning as yours expressed. Like most of us who experience relationships with women like this, jeez man, we stay in them waaaay much longer then we really should, always thinking it gets better. Right? So common.

I too would put up a happy face and say all was well but behind closed doors was in so much pain. Now, hopefully those friendship you say you've lost are repairable. I personally cut ties intentionally with people because I really saw in some way how, these people weren't my friends to begin with. It was harsh reality for me but one i needed to do. There was a weeding out of people who really don't know me and this breakup allowed for me to tell the difference.

I'm sorry to hear your father wasn't receptive. That brings tough love to a new level. And his behavior is far from acceptable, if you dont mind me saying. Its perhaps a generational indifference too though. My support has been only a couple good close friends. My father was only marginally helpful but, well when you in you 70's life has far different meaning when attached to empathy i presume. He's on the back nine looking into the golden hours of his life. Where, we are still in 5th or 6th hole, hopeful and looking forward of achieving and living out our dreams and desires; creating memories, starting a family and being close with people we love. Creating a legacy. Our empathy is attached to our future... as you so beautifully stated in another thread.

All the support we get from the 'outside' seems dialed into the same harsh frequency that, love hurts a little and we move on with dignity attached. However, breakups with pwBPD traits are a far different beast that most people, your father included has not one ounce of a clue towards understanding - which has all brought us here.

The grip theses women have on our souls is undeniable. I was going crazy trying to just "get over it". Like you had in past 'healthy' breakups; where you both respect each other as people, cry and mourn the relationship together and go on living your lives - knowing it just didn't work out. But, never the blame, hatred, guilt and denial that we are feeling now. Not only are we burdened with the failure of the relationship, we are also shouldering her baggage as well. That's double the weight on all the emotional levels. It just too much carry. Furthermore, we want to believe they will mourn the loss with use too and grow and learn and remember! but, they decide so vey quickly to pretend it never happened. How is that even possible? 

>> Insert this horrible disorder <<

The obvious difference here? Your 'old' ex whose heart you claim you broke. She sounds wonderful and the fact you can, even now reach out to her and be emotional speaks volumes to what kind of person she is. These kinds of women are the ones we now will seek out. And, i wish you all the best in finding her.

In the end, yes - your therapist is right. We should be grateful that they are now out of our lives without having to be connect always with children. I read on this site about those who have children in common and shutter to think I'd have to endure that kinda lifetime of pain. And to those people, I certainly admire them, and their children.

Although it doesn't feel like it right now my friend, Perhaps we did get off easy.

[WoundedBibi]

The grip these women have on our souls is undeniable.

If this is about your and GoingBack2OC exes, yes.

If this is generally speaking, than the grip these *people* have on our souls is undeniable. Loads of guys out there with BPD... .

[GoingBack2OC]

Wow... So very powerful... powerful stuff GoingBack. What a trip? ... .

Thanks Mars for your thoughts. Yes it is quite the trip. And you are right, the grip they have on us is incredible. In regards to WoundedBibi, I think his comment was from the point of view of two guys talking about how the girls they loved ended up hurting us in ways we never could imagine. Of course there are many guys who suffer from this affliction and hurt the women they love.

Mars, you are right (or at least I can only think that's what it boils down to), in regards to my Dad (and Mom). They are both in their 70s, and they simply cant relate. Back then when they met (married now 45 years), people didnt date like they do now, for 2, 3, 4 years or more.

I had to explain to my Mom-- it feels like a divorce. I've been with her for 5 years. She dated my Dad for a year before getting engaged. I asked her, if 4 years into marriage, if this had happened to you, would you have been devastated... .she then "sort of" got it.

And you are right. I found that many friends who I thought were close werent so at all. And some older friends I had in ways lost touch with, ended up being there for me the most. So some good did come out of it-- like you said, in a filtering sense, people showing their true colors when you find yourself in a place where you need them the most.

The way my ex, and people with NPD/BPD are able to just literally throw a person away, with no remorse, or care for their feelings, is well, beyond what I am capable of understanding as human being.

After I broke my ex-ex's heart 6 years ago (we worked together). I came in one day about week later (to work that is/we worked together). I kid you not, she literally saw me, turned away, then ran for a trash can and threw up. She was so sick by the hurt my break up caused. I knew that... .

She left work, and within minutes I texted her "are you ok", "let me come talk with you". And I did. And we had a good talk. It was sad but good.  She understood why I broke up with her. That I loved her, but that it had been, for 2 years, really hard both working together where I was her superior, and us being a couple-- without conflict both in the workplace and in our personal lives. But she was an amazing, strong, awesome person. I honestly shouldnt have let her go. Looking back. I made a mistake.

I could never let horrible mean words be the end of a long relationship, or short one even. It just doesnt feel or seem right.

I don't know about your ex, but my ex-- for the longest time, I thought was just a pure textbook narcissist. I know there is a lot of cross over. She would say things to me towards the end/mocking me/belittling me, like "You're just so sad you'll never find someone as pretty as me".

I didn't say it, but I just thought to myself, stunned, "You are so shallow". First, pretty has nothing to do with it. Pretty fades. Is pretty nice? Of course. But aging is unavoidable. Of course I want a pretty girlfriend, who doesnt. But ultimately, I want a pretty soul. A good person. A kind, loving person.

She'd also say often "I just want a man who loves me".  To me that said, and hurtfully so... ."Its not you I love, its your attention". A very NPD trait. She doesnt, and I really think this, she doesnt care who she is with, just as long as they fulfill what she really wants:  Social Status, Attention, Money, and so on. It's delusional.

And so, as the final stages of her basically wreaking havoc on my life and pushing me away-- she made it very clear to me both directly, with things she said, and the way she acted.  She literally said:  "I can have any man I want", "You offer me nothing now that you're business has gone downhill", "You just want me for sex".

She was very much convinced her beauty transcended all other qualities which I may have admired about her. Which, really, is just sad and truly unattractive.

I don't know if you feel this way but in the end:

I feel my ex's behavior made it both so painful - because of the broken hopes, dreams, the future I thought I'd have with her - for tearing that apart, that is the painful part.

On the flip side, revealing these things to me, the shallowness, the selfishness, the cruel side; it made me realize I don't like her, as human being at all. I still love and care about her, but the love and care now is different. I feel bad for her. In a way, it's pity I feel. Pity that I know she can't change. She lives in her own world and theres no changing that. And it's just truly sad that someone I thought was a certain way, was not so at all. She's sick, deeply deeply sick, and I know in the end, there is nothing I can do to help her, or make her better.

Perhaps, and I probably am, someone co-dependent. Not to the point where I cant function alone. I have had periods of my life being single, and was happy and enjoyed them. But at 36, I now want a family. I dont want to be single... .date, its tough at any age. I've just "done all that". I didnt think I'd be starting over here and now.

I wonder a lot, what life she will have, how anyone who is BPD/NPD can ever find happiness. I wonder if they ever do.