This statement was one of the key reasons for my suffering. Let me explain this.
When I left her I really felt like it was my fault. Like I am trying my best but I cannot succeed. I wanted to make her happy, I took this for my full time job.
I felt like I am trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a water pistol - I knew that this is useless job, but at that time I still thought that it is my fault, I shouldn't use a water pistol, I need to find a more powerful water source.
But I felt lost, I didn't knew what kind of 'tool' should I use, I felt like I am inadequate for the task, that someone 'better' can do this. I even told her that when I was leaving: "I am to weak for this. There needs to be someone stronger for you. I am not the right guy."
The sentence that now haunts me is something that she said, that I didn't fully understand/hear/comprehend at this time: "There is no one. Believe me. I tried to find that person."
I really felt that "My best was never good enough" and that it is my fault.
Now I am aware that she realizes her problem, she is also in therapy but she cannot help herself in those r/s situations.
For example, at the end, when she saw that I am leaving she said that she realizes that she gave me too heavy burden and that she knows that. She is sorry, she wants to try again, she was so lost in her problem she didn't realize how hard was it for me. Maybe I would try again but I was a mess. Really, people, I was a mess. I was a biological creature with physiological functions but brain dead. I took few weeks off and immediately looked for therapist (If someone told me before that I would be in therapy I would say to him that he is crazy). I really think that was my surviving instinct's last wake up call. I already started developing severe anxiety and depression symptoms in my short r/s with her. But, I don't blame only her for this, I have my own issues that I realized in therapy, because I let her actions influence me in this way.
So, I really believe her, I don't believe that this is just emotional manipulation, she is aware. I used to tell a metaphor in my previous thread regarding the ER. When you have serious injury, and you go to ER, you don't have too much empathy to other people in the waiting room, you want immediately go in. I think the same case is with BPD.
Back to the beginning, I really think I started feeling better when I realized that my initial assumption "My Best Was Never Good Enough" was true,
but it is not my fault that it is not enough. This is a crucial difference.
