Update: Better but not at the same time. A differnt kind of worse

[Cipher13]

It has been a few months since I posted. And for the most part I would say things have been going better. However as things "improve" a very different kind of behavior is seeping up to the surface as the new constant.

Before all things going on that were bad were directly or indirectly my fault according to uBPDw.

So here is what is new. Wife has finally gotten into the career she has been attempting for the last 5 years to break into. To do so she quit a full time job to take a part time to get a "foot in the door". I knew this and accepted this as requirement and so took on an additional job to help cover costs. In the first month of this dream job she had complaints of the person that was to train her. She learned this person often does this with people that are strong willed and go getters as she likes those that do her bidding. I then was the supportive husband and told her to find other sources for training and to focus on herself not to worry about what this person thinks. 2 months later she transferred to new department because they liked her work ethic. Then a fulltime position opened up a month ago. She was encouraged to apply. She then heard that someone was "saying stuff" about her to get her to not be hired. I again convinced her of her qualities and work ethic. Would you know it I was right again. She got it. Now she is in this role and "no one likes me" is what I hear.

So I have gone from everything is my fault and I am a worthless person to being her constant pep talker. She now needs me to remind her, convince and in her words "make her more confident in herself". This is daily now.  I have been there to encourage but I think she is relying to much on me to "make  it better".  I keep telling her I can't make it or always be able to do this for you. Most of it has to come from you and I will be there behind you but you have the lead in it.  Its draining.

When I was working the second job I was gone from morning until night. She had to eventually do a few more things for herself... .make food, do laundry, wash some dishes. Still I had a lot left to do that she still never would do on her own. Now that I am back to my original schedule I am back to doing it all again. She used to complain that all I wanted to do was watch TV. The fact was she was always the one in front of it and would ask me to sit with her. What she really wanted was to see if the TV would be a distraction for me, and see which I would choose to put my attention towards. She would be on her phone or computer. I don't know that she ever watched it much.

I'm drained. I do a lot and get little recognition for it. I used to do it to see if I could get that recognition. Now it just won't get done without me.   :'( 


Unrelated question: Why do most men cringe when they hear the words "Want to talk?"  I almost get sick to my stomach because it really means I want you to make me feel good about myself.

[Grey Kitty]

Glad to hear that there is some improvement.

Has the blaming and attacking you gone away because you enforced boundaries of not sitting there and listening to it? Or did she just decide to stop doing it?

I'm drained. I do a lot and get little recognition for it. I used to do it to see if I could get that recognition. Now it just won't get done without me.   :'( 

Better not to do things for recognition that isn't going to come. At least you aren't disappointed and resentful for that too!

Now, do what you want to do for yourself--what you think the household needs, and what you need first. Still... .this isn't likely to get a lot better.

She now needs me to remind her, convince and in her words "make her more confident in herself". This is daily now.  I have been there to encourage but I think she is relying to much on me to "make  it better".  I keep telling her I can't make it or always be able to do this for you. Most of it has to come from you and I will be there behind you but you have the lead in it.  Its draining.

You're drained. So back up a bit. You might also want to consider doing it backwards from how you've been doing it... .comes down to validation instead of invalidation.

If she thinks she's worthless, and you tell her that she's capable and successful, her FEELING is invalidated here. It cuts both ways--a boost in her confidence in her abilities, while tearing down her ability to believe her own feelings, as she feels one way and you are telling her that it is wrong.

Perhaps next time, you can validate how hard it is to feel like she's worthless or that she's going to fail... .without agreeing that that is the result, just acknowledging that the feeling is real, and it is a really sucky one!

If you want help, start by telling us something specific word-for-word that she typically says in this realm, and describe either what you would have said, or how you would validate it better for suggestions... .

[Cipher13]

Has the blaming and attacking you gone away because you enforced boundaries of not sitting there and listening to it? Or did she just decide to stop doing it?

I'm not sure the true reason but my thought is that she has put a lot of extra focus on her looks. Extra few pounds and that she is claiming no one likes her at her new job and all that drama.

Perhaps next time, you can validate how hard it is to feel like she's worthless or that she's going to fail... .without agreeing that that is the result, just acknowledging that the feeling is real, and it is a really sucky one!

If you want help, start by telling us something specific word-for-word that she typically says in this realm, and describe either what you would have said, or how you would validate it better for suggestions... .

I'll give it a try differently and maybe then I can share a word for word exchange.

Thanks

[Grey Kitty]

Has the blaming and attacking you gone away because you enforced boundaries of not sitting there and listening to it? Or did she just decide to stop doing it?

I'm not sure the true reason but my thought is that she has put a lot of extra focus on her looks. Extra few pounds and that she is claiming no one likes her at her new job and all that drama.

So she stopped by her choice, not because you did something to protect yourself from it.

Chances are really really good that she'll reach for that coping tool again soon.

Please work on how you can enforce boundaries and remove yourself from situations where she is being verbally abusive and berating you / attacking you / etc.