Is this BPD behavior? Does it stop?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I think my friend has BPD. I know this is a hard diagnosis to make, but I have a PhD in Behavioral Science and I think I am probably correct. However, it is difficult to see things when you are on the inside.

Some background: I grew up riding (horses) with this friend who is 6 years older than I am. It was a very close knit community and are families were intertwined. When I was younger I was usually intimidated by this person because she seemed to give off angry vibes. But, still, our families were close and she would ride my horse and always when we interacted she was nice to me. But from a distance she seemed very intimidating. It could have been because she was older than I was.

About a month ago, after about 15 years, I reconnected with this friend. Since we live in different states (but I commute back to our home state/city once a month for a week each month) we have communicated almost entirely by text. I feel like she has poured her heart at me. As a behavioral scientist I interview people about some of the most intimate things you can imagine, so I might have subconsciously encouraged this. I learned that she had major substance abuse issues in her 20s (she is 40 now) and that she is estranged from all her siblings, save one. Both her parents passed away 3 years ago and this seems to still weigh heavily on her. She had a boyfriend of 3 years, but he lived in a different state and they would go months without seeing each other. He finally broke up with her last week.

Now, my interactions with her have been nothing but positive with frequent compliments from her about how sweet I am, or how much she likes me and likes talking to me, or how happy she is that we reconnected. I returned these sentiments. She is very guarded normally, so all of this surprised me. She shared more with me about herself and her feelings than she ever shared with her boyfriend. I encouraged her to share her feelings with him, but she didn't.

So here's where things went completely and insanely off the rails: she was supposed to call me on Saturday to finalize some plans for next week when I would be in town. These plans needed to be finalized because they required reservations, etc. Anyway, she did not call me and instead sent me a text saying she went out partying. I responded with what I considered a very innocuous comment that she was being flaky. She immediately reacted that I could no longer be in her life because she has a "zero" tolerance policy for passive-aggressiveness because it would bring drama into her life. I responded that I did not know of her policy and that we should discuss this by phone to avoid misunderstanding... .I also walked back my "flaky" comment and told her that I did not intend it to be negative or passive-aggressive and that I was open to dialogue if something ever upset her in order to avoid "drama." She responded that all her friends were "straight up" (I think this means honest) and that she was not upset or angry with me and that she forgave me but that this was her policy and she could make no exceptions even though she knew I was not one of "those" people who had hurt her with drama in the past.

(This was all int he context of me having told her before any of this happened that I needed the next few days to prepare for an extremely important work event and that I would only be available intermittently. I had told her how important this event was to me and how much I needed to concentrate.) I sent her a couple follow-up texts of confusion, which she responded to in such disproportion to the content. I basically said that I had an open-heart, that I valued my friendship with her, and that I hoped she would reconsider her "policy." In response to this I got several texts telling me what a horrible person I was and how she did not want me to contact her again. I haven't contacted her again but those texts hurt me deeply. I have known this person since childhood, I know her family, we ride in the same circles, and I bonded so much with her in the past month that I would have considered her an extremely close friend.

This was so disruptive to my work event. Sometimes I wonder if she even listened to what I was saying during our conversations, or if she just used me to let out all these emotions she had been holding back. But the things she told me during that time would seem to indicate she trusted me a great deal.

She also told me that she after her boyfriend broke up with her she didn't want to talk about it with anyone because she wanted to keep thinking about him in a positive way. I didn't tell her that it wasn't healthy to do that; I just kept quiet hoping she would come to that conclusion on her own. But now I think she is projecting all her feelings of hurt and rejection from that event onto me.

My question-- is this classic BPD behavior? She is diagnosed bipolar but only with depression and she takes medication for it. She doesn't have many friends. She told me that she knew she shouldn't have let me in so fast and a reminder for her to not to open herself up to anyone. I mean, this is so out of proportion to telling someone they were flaky for not making a scheduled phone call.

I am going to be in town next week but I have no mechanism to see her casually so I will likely not see her unless she reaches out to me. Do BPDs usually reverse course? I did send her a conciliatory letter in the mail lamenting the end of the relationship and the way it ended. At the end I told her I would not contact her again, but that I welcomed her to contact me. I am probably just bringing more hurt onto myself if I see her again and resume a friendship, but I genuinely felt like she bared her soul to me over the past few weeks and so I should do something to save the friendship.

What should I have done? What can I do now?

[ponypony]

Hi,

I think my friend has BPD. I know this is a hard diagnosis to make, but I have a PhD in Behavioral Science and I think I am probably correct. However, it is difficult to see things when you are on the inside.

Some background: I grew up riding (horses) with this friend who is 6 years older than I am. It was a very close knit community and are families were intertwined. When I was younger I was usually intimidated by this person because she seemed to give off angry vibes. But, still, our families were close and she would ride my horse and always when we interacted she was nice to me. But from a distance she seemed very intimidating. It could have been because she was older than I was.

About a month ago, after about 15 years, I reconnected with this friend. Since we live in different states (but I commute back to our home state/city once a month for a week each month) we have communicated almost entirely by text. I feel like she has poured her heart at me. As a behavioral scientist I interview people about some of the most intimate things you can imagine, so I might have subconsciously encouraged this. I learned that she had major substance abuse issues in her 20s (she is 40 now) and that she is estranged from all her siblings, save one. Both her parents passed away 3 years ago and this seems to still weigh heavily on her. She had a boyfriend of 3 years, but he lived in a different state and they would go months without seeing each other. He finally broke up with her last week.

Now, my interactions with her have been nothing but positive with frequent compliments from her about how sweet I am, or how much she likes me and likes talking to me, or how happy she is that we reconnected. I returned these sentiments. She is very guarded normally, so all of this surprised me. She shared more with me about herself and her feelings than she ever shared with her boyfriend. I encouraged her to share her feelings with him, but she didn't.

So here's where things went completely and insanely off the rails: she was supposed to call me on Saturday to finalize some plans for next week when I would be in town. These plans needed to be finalized because they required reservations, etc. Anyway, she did not call me and instead sent me a text saying she went out partying. I responded with what I considered a very innocuous comment that she was being flaky. She immediately reacted that I could no longer be in her life because she has a "zero" tolerance policy for passive-aggressiveness because it would bring drama into her life. I responded that I did not know of her policy and that we should discuss this by phone to avoid misunderstanding... .I also walked back my "flaky" comment and told her that I did not intend it to be negative or passive-aggressive and that I was open to dialogue if something ever upset her in order to avoid "drama." She responded that all her friends were "straight up" (I think this means honest) and that she was not upset or angry with me and that she forgave me but that this was her policy and she could make no exceptions even though she knew I was not one of "those" people who had hurt her with drama in the past.

(This was all int he context of me having told her before any of this happened that I needed the next few days to prepare for an extremely important work event and that I would only be available intermittently. I had told her how important this event was to me and how much I needed to concentrate.) I sent her a couple follow-up texts of confusion, which she responded to in such disproportion to the content. I basically said that I had an open-heart, that I valued my friendship with her, and that I hoped she would reconsider her "policy." In response to this I got several texts telling me what a horrible person I was and how she did not want me to contact her again. I haven't contacted her again but those texts hurt me deeply. I have known this person since childhood, I know her family, we ride in the same circles, and I bonded so much with her in the past month that I would have considered her an extremely close friend.

This was so disruptive to my work event. Sometimes I wonder if she even listened to what I was saying during our conversations, or if she just used me to let out all these emotions she had been holding back. But the things she told me during that time would seem to indicate she trusted me a great deal.

She also told me that she after her boyfriend broke up with her she didn't want to talk about it with anyone because she wanted to keep thinking about him in a positive way. I didn't tell her that it wasn't healthy to do that; I just kept quiet hoping she would come to that conclusion on her own. But now I think she is projecting all her feelings of hurt and rejection from that event onto me.

My question-- is this classic BPD behavior? She is diagnosed bipolar but only with depression and she takes medication for it. She doesn't have many friends. She told me that she knew she shouldn't have let me in so fast and a reminder for her to not to open herself up to anyone. I mean, this is so out of proportion to telling someone they were flaky for not making a scheduled phone call.

I am going to be in town next week but I have no mechanism to see her casually so I will likely not see her unless she reaches out to me. Do BPDs usually reverse course? I did send her a conciliatory letter in the mail lamenting the end of the relationship and the way it ended. At the end I told her I would not contact her again, but that I welcomed her to contact me. I am probably just bringing more hurt onto myself if I see her again and resume a friendship, but I genuinely felt like she bared her soul to me over the past few weeks and so I should do something to save the friendship.

What should I have done? What can I do now?

[Turkish]

Hi ponypony,

Possibly the flakey comment was a little harsh, but her subsequent communcation sounds cintradictory to her values, no? You were straight up. I also see the black and white thinking (I liken it to a lack of mercy).

Being out of control on the inside, pwBPD fear being controlled... .while they may exhibit controlling behaviors. It's confusing. Maybe these will help:

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

What is BPD (48 minute video)

It's been observed by some experts that those who may lean towards being more analytical can have more trouble with a pwBPD. She needs to feel heard and validated. If she's flakey, it isn't likely to change at 40. On some level, she may know that she is. People with BPD also feel a core sense of shame ("I'm a bad person". I triggered t in my ex when I urged her to get help. I was accused of throwing her "sickness" as she put it, in her face. No win there.

Take a look at the lessons on the Improving Board, particularly lesson 3.

This doesn't mean that you need to be her doormat. Boundaries are key (she asserted hers, disordered as they were), but it sounds that given your life-long r/s, it's worth a try. Step away from talking about your feelings so much, and zero in on hers. You may find the target to validate.

Turkish