The Other Shoe Always Drops

[Starting_Over]

This weekend my husband and I had dinner with my aunt (my father's sister) and uncle, and I knew that their goal was to push me to end the no contact situation. Most of the evening was great, I am making a lot of progress with my avoidant traits, but at the end of the night they brought it up. They starting pushing to meet my therapist, saying my dad understands that he has to change his behaviour, and saying that they are just looking out for the family. I did not set up strong boundaries, and I said that I would talk to my therapist about meeting them. I immediately knew this was a mistake, and my aunt implied that my therapist pushed me into going no contact ( which is not true).

Why can toxic families never just let us be? I know that this is a rhetorical question, but it frustrates me to no end. I really like how the outcome to the statement "we are just looking out for the family" really means that I should just take the abuse and lose the self confidence that I have gained.

I'm sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this out of my system

[Naughty Nibbler]

So sorry about the ambush.  Can you send them a note, perhaps by snail mail, and tell them that unfortunately, you felt pressured into agreeing to something you didn't want to do.  Let them know you enjoyed your time with them during dinner, but you won't arrange a meeting with your therapist.

Don't let them push you into something you aren't ready for.  Hang in there.  Don't be shy about correcting a mistake, and sliding that boundary back to where you want it.

[unicorn2014]

That's not a rant, I thought you were very clear. I didn't know until this website that dysfunctional people try to meet with healing people's therapists to try and sway them. I agree that sending them a letter in the mail is a good idea telling them its not a good idea to meet your therapist. I'm sorry for your troubles. 

[Notwendy]

really means that I should just take the abuse

I get this from my mother's FOO. Being around them feels like being in some kind of cult. When I was in contact with them, I would frequently get e mails and phone calls about them getting together with her and how wonderful she is. I would sometimes wonder if she put them up to it.

They are intelligent, mature people -and they have known her for decades. I have a hard time believing that they have not at some point witnessed that there isn't something not quite all the time wonderful about her. I don't expect them to badmouth her or say hurtful things, but we are all adults now. I am not NC with her, nor do I have any intent to be. However, it would have helped me a lot to have some real information about her condition- which could have helped our interactions, not this constant denial.

But I think over time, I have come to understand that her entire FOO is enmeshed, and also part of an era where one didn't talk about mental illness. They may not even understand her themselves. Then I learned something else. They have been listening to her telling them things about me for years, painting me black to them and they think I am the crazy one 

At first this really hurt my feelings and I cried a lot to think all these people that I thought were my family think these things about me. She has convinced them that all the issues between us are because of me. They are aware of some issues that happened when I was younger, that were abusive on her part. Yet I was just a kid. But they believe her stories and think I should just get over my issues with her.

Once I learned this, I decided the situation was not something I wanted to even attempt to change. Not sure I could. I am middle age now, and at this point, they don't even know me, they have heard so many stories. I decided not to get into a "her word, my word" thing with them as it would be divisive and put them in a position to choose between our stories. Yet, my mother with her stories about me has already done that. So while I am not NC with her, I have very little contact with them- not sure whose choice that is- as they don't contact me.

I can't control what anyone else thinks, but I can control my own behavior. I am polite with them when I do see them rarely. I choose to be in contact with my mother ( I know others may need to make other choices) but with boundaries. I strive to behave like an adult and have compassion for her. Whether they see this or not, or hear more stories is out of my hands.

[Starting_Over]

Thank you for all the replies! I am going to email my therapist about how to shut this down. I wish I had held the boundary up front , but at least I want to message to be from me, and not blaming my therapist from not seeing them. In the past she has recommended that, so that I am not left open to extra criticism.

They brought up a family event I want to attend next year and said that I need to start working on the relationship now. I don't think they realize that I am planning on staying in a hotel, and only attending the event during the day. I only want to go to see distant relatives... .my dad is just the unfortunate door prize that I got stuck with.

@NotWendy Thank you for saying that! My aunt and uncle even said that " my dad and I are equally responsible", and that is false.  I am responsible  for my actions as an adult, but my dad is to blame for the way he treated me as a child. I did not get a fighting chance, because my mom and dad were preventing me from reaching milestones even when I was a toddler.