How to protect my unborn child from my borderline mother

[gaelforce]

Any advice on how to protect myself and my new family from my mother, who is borderline?

Reading some of the older posts regarding borderline mothers/grandmothers, my mother's BPD appears to be on the milder end of the spectrum... .but it still very painful and emotionally exhausting, so here goes on the details:

I am pregnant in my 2nd trimester with my first child, and am very anxious about the postpartum period, when my mom will likely fly in from out-of-state and spend a few weeks living with us.  She has been shockingly nice to me since finding out about my pregnancy (not inciting fights, actually asking questions about how I feel, and allowing our usually hour-long conversations to end earlier so that “I won’t be too tired”).  I don’t know if this is gas lighting, because I am almost forgetting her real nature…

I was so used to the verbal abuse (the "emotional incest".  As a child, as a teenager, as a medical student, as a resident…I would often be on the receiving end of my mother yelling about her anger (at being a housewife, at my father for bringing our family to the U.S. from China, at various people for “looking down” on her) and then at me (for not predicting her wants, for finding a romantic interest who was not Chinese, for not living close to her and being her “perfect daughter”).  These fits of rage happened every few days and she would be deaf to attempts at reasoning/conversation, making them last until she tired out (usually 1+ hours), and getting more worked up if I tried to leave the room/conversation.  Thankfully, they are getting less frequent as I grow older and out of my role as a dependent (now a married, working full-time physician... .not a psychiatrist).  But this niceness during my pregnancy is really surprising.

Occasionally, she would slip and say things like “you never tell me anything, and I tell you everything”, during our current conversations.

I am thinking of limiting her stay with us to 1-2 weeks.  I am so scared that she will take advantage of my weakened state postpartum somehow, as I will likely be dealing with potential Baby Blues and sleep deprivation.


Addendum:

It finally happened; the BPD rears up again.  I am now in my 3rd trimester, and my mother could not hold her raging back any longer.  The phone conversation tonight devolved into "I have to take care of your father (after a minor procedure) because our daughter is not nearby (hinting that I am a terrible daughter)", "you do not care about your father, you did not call after his procedure yesterday", (and when we discussed the tentative plan of a 2-week stay with us postpartum) "why do you only want me to stay for 2 weeks, is it because your husband does not want me around?", "we are not close anymore", "I am not attacking you, you are attacking me".

We yelled back and forth for several minutes, until I suggested that both of us calm down, to which, she actually agreed and hung up.  No response from either her or my dad when I texted them both an hour and 1.5 hours later to check if they wanted to talk or to talk again tomorrow.  Similar to the father in older posts regarding BPD mothers, my father is relatively normal, but supports my mother (likely in order to protect himself).  I no longer have hope to "bring him around" because my mother's hold on him is too strong.

Thoughts/advice appreciated on the next steps.  Thank you so much.

[Sarah girl]

Hello gaelforce! 

First of all, congrats on your pregnancy! As for your BPD mom and enabling dad, I say just leave things be. If they're not responding to your texts, it's best to just enjoy the silence and use it to establish some new boundaries. I gave birth three months ago. This is my third time around in the postpartum phase and I can honestly say that I've never been happier. That's because it's the first time my mom is not directly enmeshed and breathing down my neck. With my first two, she made herself the center of everything and caused tons of toxic drama and conflict. About a year ago, I decided to go low-contact with her and it's the first time I feel like I am my own person. She hasn't changed but I have.

The best way to protect your unborn child imho is to limit contact with your mom. It might even be a good idea to postpone the visit until a couple of months after the birth so that you can adapt to your new life and bond with your baby in peace. She might not like the idea but you need to do what's best for you and your child especially during the crucial postpartum phase. This is not about your mom's "entitlement" to grandma stuff, this is about you and your baby's well-being. Your obligation is to yourself and your child. You don't need your mom's needful childishness to distract from that.

Enjoy this time and put yourself first. Those who truly care about your welfare will never ask you to compromise that.

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on your achievements and the soon to be arrival of a new baby!


My kids are older now, but I will try to share my long range view with you.

The best way to protect your children is to take care of yourself, your life, your boundaries, and to take steps to deal with the emotional baggage from being raised in a dysfunctional family.

Because, while an occasional spat with your mom might upset a child, it is the relationship patterns from dysfunctional families that can get passed on from generation to generation. I didn't want this for my kids, and so took steps to work on me- so I could be the best role model for them.

I wanted them to have healthy emotional boundaries, but for that to happen, I had to happen for me as my kids' first relationship bond in their lives is with me. It is this relationship that will pave the way for their future relationships.

Don't be scared- you will be a great mom and a better mom than you have, because you are motivated to be!

As for your mom and your baby, I think it helps to decide what, if any, threats there are according to the baby's needs and age. First consideration is you. If mom is upsetting you, then you will be an upset mom. That isn't good for the baby. But if mom is holding it together, there could be little harm to the child if she wants to interact with the baby- hold the baby, feed the baby.

My parents visited together and this kept things safer as mom was not unsupervised with my kids. They stayed in a hotel, not with me. When they did try it, they fought a lot and it upset all of us. Thankfully, they realized that we needed space from each other. So them staying somewhere else can be less disruptive. But one big observation for me is that I can not spend too much time with her as it is emotionally hard for me to deal with.

Mom really wasn't a threat to the kids' well beings when they were little and visits were supervised. This changed when they became teens. Mom began to see them as peers to talk to, and I recall from my teen years that this was  TMI. I was not about to let the kids get into a relationship like that, so I warned them to not be alone with mom. It felt bad to talk about her, but this was also the time I brought up the topic of mental illness and BPD. Mom also has a habit of triangulating- taking someone I care about off alone with her to tell them things about me ( paint me black) and coerce them to "her side" . She has already successfully done this with some of her family members.

This is where I put my foot down and enforced some boundaries. As you can imagine, my father's response was to align with my mother and be angry at me. At the time, I felt as if I was between two choices- my parents or the well being of my children and that was not even a choice I had to think about- it would be my kids.

Many of us feel hurt that our parents, - the non parent- didn't protect us or stand up for us when they aligned with the disordered parent. I wanted to change that. I stood up for my kids, you will too. But to do so, you need to take care of you and model this to them- having emotionally healthy boundaries with your parents. ( while still being respectful if at all possible - and deciding how/if you can do that)

Then you can assess the level of involvement your parents can have. My mother has not harmed my kids, and now that they are older with boundaries of their own, interactions with her are not a threat to them- because they have the tools to handle her.