Jemels
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: May 04, 2016, 01:56:43 PM » |
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I have known her for a few years now.
Within the first couple of weeks I could tell she was so very overly sensitive. She would claim the relationship was ruined over the smallest and simplest things. Never seen anything like that before to that severe degree. I didn't know anything about BPD at that time.
I was ready to do the hard work of communicating and working through issues. I didn't know that I was about to waste all sorts of energy trying to talk her down every time she cycled into her delusional insanity over the next year or so.
I was able to talk her down a few times, but I was always left exhausted. I found that it was like I was only containing her not actually getting through to her when she was in the trigger states. I would end up talking so much more than her, that I was getting sick of the sound of my own voice. I had no idea what was wrong with her. I just knew she was not right.
She jumped to conclusions way way too fast and blame me for things I was not responsible for or things that did not exist or even happen. I became confused by the switching back and forth between normal relating and her sudden and extreme dis-regulated behavior.
I searched for answers on line and stumbled onto information about BPD. It was then I realized what was happening. It took much learning to come to terms with her mood disorder.
She can be so abusive. It's crazy how she seems to justifies it to herself. She has been violent with me a few times. She doesn't seem to communicate well and creates drama needlessly.
I am not her literal or figurative punching bag. I just refuse to talk to her in her trigger state now. At least, I will not waste massive amounts of energy trying to reason with her any more when she is being nasty. I just tell her what happened and how it affected me and that I is not acceptable and then I will not talk to her until she become rational. She goes insane, Crazy, Delusional.
But even when she is not in her Mr. Hyde trigger state, she is not fully awake to herself. Mind blind is a phrase that comes to mind. Her attention span is shorter than I think is normal based on what I have seen from others. She doesn't seem to take much interest in what I find interesting. It's hard to tell if it's a simple lack of matching interests or if it just that she wants the attention to be on her or her interests.
I keep getting the feeling my interests anger her or she finds them really boring. I have an interest in BPD but she finds that bothersome. She seems to want everything to revolve around how she views things. I would not mind seeing things from her point of view if she didn't put down mine. I do not like the way she sees me at times. I am not this other guy she thinks I am from time to time. I can see how she projects a false image over top of me and treats me accordingly. It's insane.
She thinks that because she does it calmly it's not part of her BPD.
When I set my boundaries with her, she claims she is setting them for me. Yet What did I do? She is the one doing the aggressing, not me. She aggresses, I enforce boundaries and she gives me the silent treatment. The next day she acts as if it never even happened. She claims she can remember everything from state to state, but I know she doesn't. Jeckle remembers jeckle but not Hyde. Hyde remembers Hyde but not Jeckle. It's crazy making. It's like she has two personalities, and neither are fully together. Neither state are a full regular healthy person like most people take for granted.
She punishes me for things she thinks about me and then punishes me again with temporary rejection. She just want's someone to pound on.
I used to get really upset with her and come unglued, but it just gives her ammunition against me. (in her hypocrisy) She can zone out while doing things and can't remember what she did. It's like watching little bubbles popping over her head. People around us have no idea she has BPD or what that means, so if they happen to witness one of her episodes directed at me, they side with her against me. It is scary to be around her in case she flips.
I really need professionals to understand that she is BPD and that I haven't done anything to her. She's losing her cool because she can not regulate her thoughts and emotions in a healthy way like most people can.
I need people to surround her and funnel her into therapy. This would let me off the hook. She can be dangerous to me. Her abuse and what others might think of me, really scares me.
She is a very lovable person, and I can see what it would be like with the BPD. I don't want to reject her, but I am afraid her nasty side is gong to push me away for good. She just keeps doing the cycle over and over. I can't understand how she can not see the pattern.
In the beginning I tried to follow her mentality like you would if you were trying to understand the other persons point of view, but I discovered that her thoughts went places that were unnatural and mentally impossible to follow without becoming BPD myself. I do not have BPD so I found it easy to not think like her. I prefer logical and reasonable step by step thinking with self reflection as I go. She can not do this.
If I find her thinking to be abrasively toxic to me, can you imagine how painful it must be for her. She takes it out on me because I am the closest person to her. I try not to take it personally but it still hurts. It's impossible to build much of anything with her within the relationship, because she keeps destroying what we build. We keep having to start over... .over and over and over. It's BS! She takes up so much of the relationship, I feel false guilt for saying I deserve better than this. But I do. I deserve better than this.
I had convinced her to go tho therapy over 2 years ago, but she dropped out. Been trying ever since to get her to go back and not give up. I don't wear myself out doing it like I used to. She has gotten better but not enough.
It just really hurts.
Thanks for reading... .
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