for other daughters or sons with a mother who has BPD-how to get over it?

[daughter2255]

I mean, how do you get over the fact of letting go? I know I am a lot more aware than my BPD mother. Her and my brother are so close too I dont know about his awareness but he complies so much they like never argue. I on the other hand am more outspoken and strive super hard to be independent. I have learned when it is approrpriate to not get involved with the outbursts and confrontations... Now that I do so, sometimes when my broother isn't around my mom never stops talking to me annd if I were to talk I would be interrupted criticized or the subject changed. I think it is due to her narcissism/lack of awareness/BPD. My grandmaa is pretty severe but my mom has a relationship with her which I do not condone because my grandmother I am piositivee has NPD. Srry for the spelling but Im typing frfom an angle. Anyway, I guess I am having a hard time accepting and moving forward with the fact that my mother is limited, but expects the world of me yet critisizes me for things she does or has done. She expects things one day then the next acts like it doesnt mattter. If I am not a mind-reader or am in my own world, she makes harsh/disrespectful comments. If I am lucky it will just end at that, which Im noticing is usual when I do not react. Anyway, it is very hard coping with her. I guess cause I need independence and to move out which I hope will happen SOON. So now I sit there and she talks and talks and I listen because I know how to listen. I someetimes feel like she is just using me to get her words out. If she does act normal once in a while it gets triggered so really I realize now that there really us nothing or no perfect way to act as BPD mothers sometimes "dream up things" and get offended. I seriously can't be human around her. She doesn't stop talking and is very emmotionally needy. My needs, however, are always judged critisized or minimalized. What can I do? Other than try to get a job to move out? Im almost done school, and I gave my cat to her too because living rommmate after roommate my cat always moved so nits not good for her. But I am very sad.

[Notwendy]

My mother has BPD, and one of my key goals when I was in college was to finish and become financially independent of my parents. My mother controlled any money that was given to me, for education or otherwise, and so, until I was able to be independent, she would have some control of me. I didn't want that.

Whenever I could, I got jobs in summer and during school to be as independent as possible. This is because, if she was angry at me, I might not get help with tuition or living expenses.

I am middle age now, married, and have been financially independent from my parents since the school years. I did not go NC with them, maintained contact, but it has been easier to have a relationship with my parents when I was not financially dependent on them or living with them because it lessened the control or feeling obligated. (FOG).

This is not the only step I had to take. I had to learn about BPD, how having a parent with BPD affected the relationship dynamics in the family and my own behaviors. But being financially independent is a key milestone in adulthood and necessary for not being enmeshed. I also have an enmeshed sibling who has accepted money from my parents. Because of this, my mother has been IMHO intrusive into that siblings' life.

If you can at all bear it, if this is the only way to finish your education, stay where you are, save some money, and focus on your future. If your parents are willing to let you move into the dorms, then that is an option. But if not, then focus on school as much as possible.

You are a student, and so, you have much reason to be at school most of the time. It is hard to act like an adult with your parent, but an adult is not being someone who does what they want when they want. An adult takes care of their own responsibilities. Do your chores at home, your laundry. Offer to fix some meals if you do not already. Give 100% to school- getting good grades, internships, school clubs. Study at the library- away from home. I may be preaching to the choir, as you could be "parentified" like I was, but on the other hand, some children of BPD parents have difficulty becoming adults. What I am trying to say is- take steps to take on the responsibilities of adulthood when you are under their roof. School is your gateway to this- a career and job- take that opportunity.

Many colleges also have counseling centers at student health. Take that opportunity too. Not because there is anything "wrong" with you, but because it is a source of support and emotional growth.

Once you are financially independent, you can decide on how to have a relationship with parents from that standpoint. And you can if you wish. Many kids achieve independence and also a relationship with their parents on an adult basis.

[daughter2255]

My mother has BPD, and one of my key goals when I was in college was to finish and become financially independent of my parents. My mother controlled any money that was given to me, for education or otherwise, and so, until I was able to be independent, she would have some control of me. I didn't want that.

Whenever I could, I got jobs in summer and during school to be as independent as possible. This is because, if she was angry at me, I might not get help with tuition or living expenses.

I am middle age now, married, and have been financially independent from my parents since the school years. I did not go NC with them, maintained contact, but it has been easier to have a relationship with my parents when I was not financially dependent on them or living with them because it lessened the control or feeling obligated. (FOG).

This is not the only step I had to take. I had to learn about BPD, how having a parent with BPD affected the relationship dynamics in the family and my own behaviors. But being financially independent is a key milestone in adulthood and necessary for not being enmeshed. I also have an enmeshed sibling who has accepted money from my parents. Because of this, my mother has been IMHO intrusive into that siblings' life.

If you can at all bear it, if this is the only way to finish your education, stay where you are, save some money, and focus on your future. If your parents are willing to let you move into the dorms, then that is an option. But if not, then focus on school as much as possible.

You are a student, and so, you have much reason to be at school most of the time. It is hard to act like an adult with your parent, but an adult is not being someone who does what they want when they want. An adult takes care of their own responsibilities. Do your chores at home, your laundry. Offer to fix some meals if you do not already. Give 100% to school- getting good grades, internships, school clubs. Study at the library- away from home. I may be preaching to the choir, as you could be "parentified" like I was, but on the other hand, some children of BPD parents have difficulty becoming adults. What I am trying to say is- take steps to take on the responsibilities of adulthood when you are under their roof. School is your gateway to this- a career and job- take that opportunity.

Many colleges also have counseling centers at student health. Take that opportunity too. Not because there is anything "wrong" with you, but because it is a source of support and emotional growth.

Once you are financially independent, you can decide on how to have a relationship with parents from that standpoint. And you can if you wish. Many kids achieve independence and also a relationship with their parents on an adult basis.

Thank you I dont respond or write much in return, because I need to absorb this.

[Notwendy]

It is tough. Not having a supportive parent help us grow up makes it confusing. As a parent of teens, I see where the middle ground- they shouldn't have to raise themselves or remain enmeshed is better, but having a parent with BPD can result in a child growing up unevenly. Wherever you are on this path is where you start, and one can always start.

College was not a lot of fun for me, but looking back - I know I did the academic part right- worked hard and got my degree. However, I know others who did not, yet, it isn't too late for anyone to learn job skills. One reason I was so focused on learning in college was that I knew it was up to me to make my own future. By my early teens, I felt "older" emotionally than my mother, and was a parentified child. Enmeshed sib, on the other hand, didn't seem to grow up. This sib and my mother are still very close and interdependent. But I wanted freedom.

Your parents may not have given you the best tools to becoming an adult, but I hope you believe you can do it. There are support resources, women's resource centers. Looking back, I think being financially independent from my parents made a huge difference in my relationship with them. There were still emotional consequences of being parentified, but given the choice of that, or enmeshment, I think it was the better choice for me.

[daughter2255]

It is tough. Not having a supportive parent help us grow up makes it confusing. As a parent of teens, I see where the middle ground- they shouldn't have to raise themselves or remain enmeshed is better, but having a parent with BPD can result in a child growing up unevenly. Wherever you are on this path is where you start, and one can always start.

College was not a lot of fun for me, but looking back - I know I did the academic part right- worked hard and got my degree. However, I know others who did not, yet, it isn't too late for anyone to learn job skills. One reason I was so focused on learning in college was that I knew it was up to me to make my own future. By my early teens, I felt "older" emotionally than my mother, and was a parentified child. Enmeshed sib, on the other hand, didn't seem to grow up. This sib and my mother are still very close and interdependent. But I wanted freedom.

Your parents may not have given you the best tools to becoming an adult, but I hope you believe you can do it. There are support resources, women's resource centers. Looking back, I think being financially independent from my parents made a huge difference in my relationship with them. There were still emotional consequences of being parentified, but given the choice of that, or enmeshment, I think it was the better choice for me.

Thanks. everything is very hard and I am so confused... Everyone tells me Im too hard on myself, but I feel like I have to do the things I do such as making demands on myself to quit marijuana and alcohol... I havent drank in 3 months and for the weed that is so hard to get off because I grew up in an addicted home... and it is WEED, not alcohol or cocaine like I grew up in. I feel similar in the way that my brother and my mother and interdependent. I need my freedom though and feel horrible being around here I have to be free/ But maybe the weed smokin is making me not free? It is tough I know I can do it. I ams cared before it becomes too late though but I think Ill be OK atleast I really hope so... And I owe my mom money for the vet bill wsince I gave my cat to her, she paid for the huge vet billl when I moved back in. So yeah Im goonna be done paying that off by the beginning of June/Im so happy. Schools also gonna be done by then so I plan on looking for a job after that.