Dealing with anger and doubt

[Sotapanna]

My situation briefly: I'm a 27-year-old man who has been married for seven months to a 29-year-old woman who shows traits of BPD, mostly expressed only within our relationship. She is currently in counseling, but I have not been made aware in any way of the nature of the counseling, so I don't know whether she has been officially diagnosed with anything. I will say that so far it seems that the counseling is only addressing her anger issues and not the underlying issues-- since she started counseling she has not had any of the rage episodes she previously had on a regular basis, but the other behaviors are still very much there: not listening to me, talking over me, gaslighting me, etc. A few weeks ago I told her I wanted to end the marriage, but then weakened and decided to give her another chance. I moved back in and we've been living together again for a couple weeks now.

Since I moved back in, I've noticed a few new behaviors of hers that are puzzling and worrying to me, and which make me wonder if there's any reliable way I can tell whether her apologies are real, whether things are actually going to change or if this is all just another manipulation. One of them is that she's suddenly reaching out to our mutual friends in a way she never bothered to before-- this is something they have also noticed. It feels to me as if she's trying to appear more "normal" to them, because they are aware now of what has been going on in the relationship. She has also been acting almost excessively nice to me, in a way that is a bit unsettling. Giving me gifts, suggesting we do things on days off that she knows I would want to do but she might not enjoy. Even the way she talks to me (in between times of anger) is excessively sweet, and I get the unsettling feeling that she's acting, and thinks I can't tell. It makes it very hard to feel at ease, and very difficult to communicate.

I'm also finding that I'm dealing with a lot of anger that I don't think I was ever aware of before, mostly anger over her past behavior, but some over things she's doing now. In the past that anger would only come out of me at very stressful moments, in the midst of her verbal abuse or as frustration when she would storm out of an argument, leaving me feeling unheard. And at those times it felt kind of generalized or un-directed. Now I'm attaching the anger to specific actions, to things she said or did in the past, or to my perception that she's currently trying to take my friends from me, for example.

The end result of all this is that I don't know how to communicate with her at all anymore. It seems like she wants me to act "normal", to act as if everything is how it's always been. She gets mad when I don't have much to say to her, or when I don't smile. But I'm not going to pretend to be normal when I don't feel it. She doesn't seem able to accept that I'm just not ready to talk about these things yet because I know how it will go-- because I'm still angry at her, and because she's still doing things that hurt me that I don't think she's even really aware of, it seems impossible for a conversation between us to lead anywhere constructive. It just ends up the way it always has: circular and frustrating and ultimately traumatic.

I feel that in my clearest moments, I still tend to lean toward leaving the relationship. I think her behavior has really affected my ability to love her, and I think it's affected the way I think about love itself. But I also want to give her a chance. How do I deal with my anger without provoking further abuse from her, and how do I know if she's really going to stop treating me this way?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I don't have as long as I'd like in order to write a proper response, however, I want to say at least something.  I hear and feel what you are going through.  If your wife has something similar to BPD, you leaving is among her greatest fears.  Fear drives many other emotions. Maybe on a lower level, she feels the need to be extra nice and make sure you stay.  Maybe she feels remorse, maybe she "woke up."  However, all those feelings will be swept away when the fear triggers anger.  Which it likely will.   Then you will be relegated to the farther reaches of hell - metaphorically speaking. 

I feel like I have asked the same questions of myself that you are asking yourself now.  Only you know the right path, and there might be one answer now, and a different one later.  That said, I have become a huge advocate for ending abuse now.  Not later, not after kids, not after therapy.  So, while I still debate myself as to whether I should leave now, I am acutely looking for signs of abusive behavior.  I have kids, so I have to play a role in protecting my kids and raising them to be resilient survivors - as opposed to victims, or the next generation of abusers.  You, without kids, can cut the damage, cost, and suffering much more quickly and cleanly.  So, I might suggest, rather than debate whether you should stay and give it yet another try, or leave, perhaps looks hard at the relationship.  Is it abusive?  Mutually abusive?  Is there greater good in the relationship, or without it?

As for anger, I find myself contending with a large swell of internal anger at times.  I am as calm as a summer day on the outside, but, inside I am fiercely angry - and have no love whatsoever for my wife.  Without kids, I'd be gone in 60 seconds.  Life is too short, and there are too many good things in it to mess with the abyss of BPD. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sotapanna, I have been in your shoes, my friend, and it's normal to experience angry feelings towards one's BPD partner.  In fact, I might even go as far as to say that it's a healthy response to abuse.  I'm a really easy-going guy who rarely gets upset about stuff, but my BPDxW would taunt and bully me in order to evoke an emotional reaction.  After a while, like you describe, my boiling point became lowered, and I used to lash back at her over things that I would normally have let go.  Though I rarely use curse words, I used to swear at her frequently because I was just so angry.  Of course I was playing her game by engaging in these mini-firestorms.  Eventually, I learned to disengage and refused to take part in her emotional turmoil.  Towards the end, I declined to share anything personal with her, for fear that she would throw it back in my face.  Detachment lead to non-involvement, after which it was all over but the shoutin'.

I concur with Samwize:

Life is too short, and there are too many good things in it to mess with the abyss of BPD.

Only you know the right path for you.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings -- I didn't and it caused years of pain and misery.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Yes! What LuckyJim said.  My situation and present state is very like what he described.

It would seem as though my BPDw was just happy so long as long as I wasn't happy. 

I reason that she just grew up with so much fear and conflict it was her "normal" setting and she would have to create it if I didn't bring my own unhappiness. 

Then, as I got more Zen, I realized I was the master of me.  I just disconnected the buttons, re-did some wiring, and now she can be whatever she wants, and I know I'm outside of her reach.  Sometimes I go into the garage and let my adult language fly.  Hey, I'm still not perfect.

Detachment.

[Lucky Jim]

Sam, You nailed it!  Thanks, LJ

[Herodias]

The only way to get along with them after an argument is to completely forget about it and not be mad. Trust me, I have been there. When you don't "get over it", they get mad at you for that. They think they can say they are sorry and then all is forgiven. Think of when a child does something bad or wrong, you scold them but then you continue to love them and don't walk around holding grudges. This is the mistake I made, I held on to grudges... .pretty hard not to depending on how bad it was. If you act like a parent, you will get along with her. Sounds strange, but this is what I have observed. Doesn't mean something won't happen again. I am just telling how to get along instead of walking around angry and her being mad you are angry. You have to decide how much you can take.

[teapay]

There are alot of BPD who will never apologize.  They can't face the shame.  Other BPD will aoplogize and be nice because the fear a abandonment drives them.  My W has often apologized, asked for forgiveness and sought to reconnect.  Most of these are her attempts in the moment to make things better and lessen the anxiety that I will think ill of her and will abandon her.  She is desperately afraid of consequences of her behavior.  These gestures are more for her sake than mine.  We come from a Christian background and she believes if you ask for forgiveness the person is obligated to do it and wipe the slate.  Once the slate is clean and reconnection is established she returns to the same behaviors or might shift to another maladpative set.  We've done rages, substance abuse, hypochondria, overspending, overeating, self harm, suicide attempts, depression, inappropriate r/s and other escapisms.


Of all the tools I have found boundaries and consequences as the most effective behavior modifiers.  On the flip side, those can easily blow up the relationship and don't encourage intimacy or lessen their triggers.  The BPD might not accept that in the r/s and leave or otherwise destroy it.   Like Sam I have several young child too, so protection of myself and family trumps intimacy. With that said, without kids in the mix I wouldn't entertain staying in the r/s for 60 secs, especially if I was younger.  The best and most final way to deal with the anger is move along.  It is easier to deal with when the cause is no longer active and it will be done with.  Otherwise, other methods are understanding and empathizing with the partners suffering, having an outlet like a T or friend to share your pain and distracting self with other things that bring you pleasure.

[Lucky Jim]

With that said, without kids in the mix I wouldn't entertain staying in the r/s for 60 secs, especially if I was younger.  The best and most final way to deal with the anger is move along. 

Nicely said, teapay.  Like you, I have kids with my BPDxW.  It got to the point where I more or less collapsed emotionally, physically and financially, so I had no choice but to move on.  Even so, I lacked the strength to leave at that point and was only able to get over the hump after two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Last year, when I first woke up to BPD, was when I established boundaries (walls as my wife calls them), stopped rescuing my uBPDw, and generally detached like you would from a stormy toddler.  That was also the first time in about 17 years that she apologized, and, if I see it correctly, maybe, just maybe, she accepted some responsibility for the reality of our relationship. 

[Sotapanna]

Thanks for all your responses. I've been trying to work on all this since I posted, and I've been able to detach myself to a certain degree. Lately I haven't been feeling angry so much as resentful. Lately the argument that keeps re-occurring centers around her seemingly unshakable belief that I am responsible for her feelings-- she has actually forbidden me at this point to use the phrases "you're responsible for your own feelings" and "I'm sorry you feel that way" when I talk to her-- if I do she immediately becomes angry and accuses me of not respecting her boundaries regarding those phrases. However, I can say that even though I can't seem to get across to her that I'm not directly creating her feelings, that maybe some of them are examples of distorted thinking, attempting to do so has helped me to understand that it works the other way, too-- that she can't create my feelings either, and that I have the ability to choose how I am affected by her behavior. One of the problems I'm having now is that I just don't feel any connection to her anymore-- I start feeling depressed almost immediately when she gets home, and only feel good when I'm not with her. And because I'm feeling this way, I almost feel like I don't want to reach out and connect with her at all-- like I could make an effort if I wanted to to act like things are "normal", but I just don't even want to anymore. And of course this leads her to accuse me of neglecting her and not supporting her in her attempts to change. She's also been complaining about her therapist and pressured me yesterday to give her the contact information of the therapy practice that I go to. I told her I couldn't stop her from going there but was uncomfortable with it, and she didn't seem to care. She claims she's called every other therapist in the area and can't get an appointment, even though I know that she could simply switch to another therapist at the place she's going now. I feel trapped, and at the same time I'm very aware that I'm the only thing keeping me trapped-- we don't have kids, it should be easy to walk away, but there's this fear I can't shake of blowing up my life in order to escape from her that's keeping me in this situation.

[Sotapanna]

And, I don't know-- at the same time I have these recurring times of complete self-doubt, where I genuinely believe that I'm doing everything wrong, that I'm wrong in thinking she's doing anything wrong, that I'm overreacting, that maybe she's right when she says I'm the abusive one. I'm really trying to hold onto some confidence that the terrible way I feel when she's around is a sign that something isn't right, and that I don't deserve to be treated this way, but there's almost always this little voice saying "what if you're not being fair, what if you're mistreating her?"

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sotapanna, From my perspective, these are signs that you are coming under the influence of F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt), which is how a pwBPD manipulates the Non.  I went through the exact same thought process as you.  My BPDxW convinced me that I was the one to blame.  The pattern you describe is quite typical, my friend, so tread carefully here.  No, you don't deserve to be treated this way.  Yes, your gut feelings are correct -- something is wrong.  Don't listen to that little voice.  I did and it caused me years of suffering.  Don't kid yourself.  You already know there is a problem, so be authentic to your true feelings, is my suggestion.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

What you're feeling is normal, natural, and appropriate.  There are many things you describe that I have felt too. I went years being blamed, and accepting it.  After all, my darling wife was so educated and pious.  I still waver in and out of being convinced I'm the abuser.  But, when I remember that the motivation for abuse is control - and I have no desire, interest, or passion in controlling her - I realize that I'm a normal guy in an abnormal situation. 

BTW, Did you notice how she is making you responsible for getting a good therapist for her?

Remember you don't need to be perfect in a day, and you're growing fast - especially now that you have a name for the poison (BPD).  You can work on you, and that's all.

[Cat Familiar]

The only way to get along with them after an argument is to completely forget about it and not be mad. Trust me, I have been there. When you don't "get over it", they get mad at you for that. They think they can say they are sorry and then all is forgiven.

My husband can have the most contrite facial expression like a vulnerable little boy and apologize for his behavior, yet hours later can have a hardened critical visage and say something completely sarcastic and unkind. After an apology, I'm expected to wipe the slate clean, which doesn't exactly work for my disposition. I take apologies seriously when accompanied by behavioral changes. Otherwise they're just empty words to me.

Of all the tools I have found boundaries and consequences as the most effective behavior modifiers.  On the flip side, those can easily blow up the relationship and don't encourage intimacy or lessen their triggers.

This has been true for me as I had to separate myself from caring about my husband's substance abuse because it was too painful to keep worrying about what he was doing to himself. He's slightly better now, but the distancing I had to do also created a gulf in other areas of our relationship and now we're more like roommates than husband and wife.

And, I don't know-- at the same time I have these recurring times of complete self-doubt, where I genuinely believe that I'm doing everything wrong, that I'm wrong in thinking she's doing anything wrong, that I'm overreacting, that maybe she's right when she says I'm the abusive one. I'm really trying to hold onto some confidence that the terrible way I feel when she's around is a sign that something isn't right, and that I don't deserve to be treated this way, but there's almost always this little voice saying "what if you're not being fair, what if you're mistreating her?"

This self-doubt is exactly what I experienced in my first marriage. That husband was more profoundly affected by BPD than my current one (lucky girl aren't I--two for two) and he "gaslit" me to the point where I wasn't sure about anything. Once I finally freed myself of that relationship, I found that I had much less tolerance for bad behavior and little self-doubt. I try to be kind and thoughtful, but I now take care of myself and know that only if I love and support myself will I have the ability to do that for others.

[Lucky Jim]

I try to be kind and thoughtful, but I now take care of myself and know that only if I love and support myself will I have the ability to do that for others.

I agree with that, Cat.  By learning to love and accept myself again after marriage to a pwBPD, I find that I care too much about myself now to ever be the object of someone else's abuse.  I'm divorced now.  No more.

Samwize: I'm with you, friend.

LuckyJim