Finding forgiveness for her and myself

[motleymoo]

First time really posting to a board of this kind. Not something I ever thought I’d find myself dealing with, but here we are…

I broke up with a woman I’d been dating for around 6 months, around 3 months ago and it’s turned into the most horrendous thing I think I’ve experienced. It's left me in quite a deep depression, has almost cost me my job, and yet... .she seems entirely unaffected by the whole experience.

I didn’t really know what BPD ‘looked like’ before this, and unfortunately, it wasn’t until after I’d had chance to survey the smouldering crater and talked to my psych about the experience that I really read up on BPD and how well it described much of what I experienced.

I do myself have diagnosed ADHD; mostly anxiety driven and some cluster B traits myself. I thought I had it well under control, and she was adamant that ‘I’m fine’ and ‘wasn’t sure about getting into a relationship with someone with mental health issues’. In later conversations, she’s quite happy to admit she has her issues.

It was a short, rocky, dramatic relationship that’s lifted me up to the highest of highs and smacked me down with the lowest of lows. I’ve been told that I’m amazing, and had possibly the most magical moments of my life with someone wonderful, and later been hit in the face while driving, been told I belong in a mental hospital/called a ‘f’ing retard/failure’, spat at and called the devil.

I think what compounded issues was that, in many ways she appeared to be my ideal partner. She had similar interests in the outdoors, physically very attractive to me, witty, intelligent, and very independent/capable. But, and I did know this, she did have a reputation for being uncompromising, stubborn and at times controlling. If you wanted something planned to the n’th degree, she was your girl.

I made my fair share of mistakes and allowed a situation to develop involving an ex-partner. In my mind, the relationship was always platonic, but it was not seen as this way, and staying on this person’s couch whilst I was out of town and subsequent, unmet demands that I cease all contact with them was seen as a breach of trust which catalysed the breakdown of the relationship.

We got on exceptionally well, conversation flowed and things progressed very quickly. To my discredit,  got complacent and took my eye off the ball. I was too quick to get into arguments over differing points of view, I got too comfortable, and didn’t do enough work on properly resolving conflicts.

She had this habit, that if anything that I did was perceived as ‘negative’ by her, she’d mirror this behaviour back to me, but intentionally. Petty, vindictive.

Whilst I’m sure that she loved me, I found myself always struggling to get close to her emotionally. She’d call me ’insufferable’, ‘abstract’, ‘calculating’ and say ‘we are not compatible’ and storm out, threatening that I’d never see her again if I didn’t come down to collect her from the bus stop before the bus arrived. Too many times, I played the game.

I should have noticed the red flags. The silent treatment, the no-win situations, the gas lighting… but, because there was ‘something’ about her, because she was, to me, irrationally, ’the one’ in so many ways, I let things become far too weird; far too toxic.

The breakup was dramatic, involved me receiving a black eye and her hiding under her desk asking for her innocence to be returned to her. Well, it wasn’t a breakup as such. I went home to cool down and assumed we’d work it out. And then there was silence. For two months, save for a text message from a 3rd party telling me that she was breaking up with me and a few accusatory emails.

2 months later, she calls, and somehow I talk myself into driving her 10 hours for a group trip. At this point, something irrational in my mind still wants to try and reconcile things with her. She spends the first hour telling me about other guys she’s been dating, and when I say that I didn’t really think this was appropriate conversation, she goes off in a sulk, starts telling me how I trashed our relationship, and when I suggest that we just turn around and go home she flips, starts hitting me, rips my shirt, spits at me… the works. Being the passive sort, rather than just leave her at the side of the road, I continued the journey. Just as we arrive, her demeanour completely changes. Now she’s concerned that I’m going to drop her off with this group and head home, and all of a sudden she’s being nice and urging me to go wipe the blood off my face. Stupid me decides to stay. Thus follows 5 days of her being pleasant; kinda like things had been when it was good, with her being affectionate towards me, but with undercurrents of ‘no, we can’t get back together now’. The return journey was stereotypically volatile.

Thus follows a few days of hanging out, her telling me she ’still feels close to me’, agreeing to spend some time together, then asking me if however many dates was enough before she slept with someone she’d met. Etc. The final straw was her asking to stay in my tent one weekend (she hadn’t brought one) and telling me before we turned in for the night ‘I’m actually glad your ex came between us, because otherwise I wouldn’t have met the amazing person I’m with now’.

The last I heard, she was planning to have a long distance relationship with him as he’s leaving the country. She met him maybe 2 weeks after she broke up with me. She took my suggestion to her that she mention the issues with violence if she was asking someone to wait for her on the other side of the world as a threat and has gone silent again.

What I struggle with is how I let so many of my own boundaries get trampled over. Every, single, person I’ve talked to has told me I should have walked away far sooner than I did. I’m the one who did the chasing. I’m the one who can’t quite rid himself of the idea that things could be resolved. Yet, I know, just from looking at the evidence that any kind of ‘normality’ between us is next to impossible.

Yet, I’ve been talked into, by myself as much as by her into taking complete responsibility for the relationship breakdown. That the hurt I feel and she sees in her leaving for someone else is entirely my own doing and something that I deserve.

What I’ve been struggling to come to terms with is a mixture of anger, frustration, disbelief etc. Part of me doesn’t, can’t understand how something that started so well could go so horribly wrong. I’ve been angry at myself both for my perceived complacency (lots of ‘what if’) and her. Mostly though it’s been frustration at her inability or unwillingness to consider how her own actions lead to me frequently feeling belittled or insulted and questioning the relationship. Any attempt to discuss how her actions affected me in a constructive way was frequently taken as an attack and turned around to be about me ‘blaming her’.

The thought of her with someone else still upsets me. The way she describes how wonderful their relationship is leaves me further depressed and questioning my own ability to nurture and maintain a mature relationship.

I think though, on the whole, and the reason I’m here, is in trying to find support on A) accepting what has happened, and accepting that there are some things that I cannot rationalise; cannot explain, and will not get answers to B) Forgiving myself for whatever I did or didn’t do,  C) Finding forgiveness for her. I know, in my heart, from some of the time that I spent with her when she seemed calm and unthreatened, that she means well, and D)Working through my own dependency/emotional issues so that I can learn something from the experience.

Thanks,

[gotbushels]

Welcome motleymoo 

I'm sorry to hear about the hardship you've been going through. I'm looking forward to hearing about your your acceptance and forgiveness:)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey motley, Welcome! I'm sorry to hear what you've been through yet it is quite similar to what others of us have experienced.  Be grateful that it was a 6-month detour and not a 16-year marriage, like me.  Suggest you focus on forgiving yourself and let her worry about herself.  LuckyJim

[motleymoo]

Hey motley, Welcome! I'm sorry to hear what you've been through yet it is quite similar to what others of us have experienced.  Be grateful that it was a 6-month detour and not a 16-year marriage, like me.  Suggest you focus on forgiving yourself and let her worry about herself.  LuckyJim

Thanks LuckyJim. Yes, it's interesting... .the emotive part of me actually wishes it had lasted longer... .in it's idealised form. The rational part of me knows it was best that it ended when it did.

[motleymoo]

Welcome motleymoo 

I'm sorry to hear about the hardship you've been going through. I'm looking forward to hearing about your your acceptance and forgiveness:)

Thanks gotgushels.  I'll let you know how I go

[cherryblossom]

  I'm going to focus on myself and if in the future our paths crossed and I found he had put loads of effort into himself I'd genuinely be pleased for him -even with all that has happened -as at end of day it's an awful disorder -the best I can do is detach and turn the pain into gold

[CC85]

  Welcome Motleymoo, to the club!... .

When I read your first few paragraphs, I actually thought you were talking about my ex udBPDgf (of 4 years, and we have a son). When I met her she was stunning, but troubled, she quickly told me how every ex had hurt her, cheated on her, and any new men never accepted her own son (18 mths old when we met)... .

So there I was, knight in shining armour, the best lover she'd had, the most amazing father figure, most understandable bloke in the world... .you get my drift! For 4 months I was what felt like untouchable and I had some intensely enjoyable times. Within 6 months SHE proposed to me, and we ended up having a baby (now 3 yo).

I guess I had the following 

- she would ask who every single female was on my work email or facebook

- she was very crude, mostly about our sex life, when out in public

- Overly friendly at my work functions, with people she hardly knew.

- She would fly into a rage, if there was someone who she didn't like at a party or in a pub

- In the first 6 months, she flew into a rage because I "looked at a barmaid (who was serving me), and as she stormed out, smashed my phone.

- Would regularly walk off, if we were walking back from being on a night out and if I chased after her, she would tell passers by I was harrassing her.

- I had the black eyes, punches when driving, threatening to get out of the car whilst on a motorway.

- She would love people and idealise them one minute, then hate them the next. The people I felt were good friends, and good influences came and went but the bad ones seems to always be there waiting for her.

These were the main red flags, but then came the lies... .from where she was going, who she was with, even hospital appointments, pregnancy scares... .you name it, she lied about it.

2 years ago, she walked out and after I chased, got involved in a fight with her father and brother... .I luckily got away with a basic assault fine, but it could've been much worse.

Now, a month ago she has done the same thing, after admitting texting a male work colleague, she left me, then begged me back the following day, then left me a week later and has since slept with him and claimed I domestically abused her so has had police, womens' services and social workers involved.

I am now being begged to take her back, but with the good advice of the members of this board and support from family and friends, I know what I need to do for myself and my son's welfare... .

What I'm trying to say is, things get progressively worse, the lies get deeper, the trouble gets more serious... .My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and is my rock but if I could go back having experienced what I have experienced now, I would have looked at the red flags and stopped.

I hope these words help you man, and you understand that maybe you got out just at the right time... .I understand it's hard to lose that shot of intense pleasure that they give you, but just like a drug it's an unhealthy pleasure that will ultimately either kill you, or see you in jail.

All the best! 

[Lucky Jim]

I understand it's hard to lose that shot of intense pleasure that they give you, but just like a drug it's an unhealthy pleasure that will ultimately either kill you, or see you in jail.

I happen to agree w/that, CC85.  Towards the end of my marriage, I lacked the strength to leave after years of physical and verbal abuse.  I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak!  Fortunately for me, two kind friends and a family member (my brother) conducted an intervention on me, which was a humbling experience but got me over the hump.  Otherwise, I firmly believe that I would either be dead or in jail.  If that sounds melodramatic, it's not, as CC85 and others can attest.

LuckyJim

[CC85]

Exactly Lucky Jim... .Now my ex is pleading for forgiveness, begging for me to take her back... .my heart is telling me, do it for that drug like pleasure, do it to pretend to be a family fro my son's sake... .but my head knows that once the initial "honeymoon" period has gone again, it will be back to the lies and turmoil and if the police are involved again, or social services, my card is already marked so that would mean I don't see my son for who knows how long, and I risk losing my job, freedom etc... .

There are still times when I wake up thinking, shall I (now she's given me the option, and I reminisce over the good times like any breakup), but I find it's best to focus on the bad things, the trauma, cast my mind back to spending 24 hrs in a police cell for merely reaching out for the person I loved... .

I am starting to get over my addiction to that toxic drug, look ahead... .it's not an easy journey but I now feel like the rail is in place and the train is ready to roll slowly and steadily to a better station!

[JerryRG]

Hello CC85

I am amazed at how similar our experiences can be, reading your post and so many others it's like reading my own personal relationship with my exBPDgf.

It's facinating and frightening that I stayed in this knowing the potential danger and obveous harm it caused so many.

Unreal

[Lucky Jim]

I'm with you, CC85.  Stay the course.  Yup, I had social services involved during my marriage.

it's not an easy journey but I now feel like the rail is in place and the train is ready to roll slowly and steadily to a better station!

Agree, it's a tough road, at times, but I don't mind because it's my path, and that makes all the difference.  I'm happier and lead a much more peaceful life.  Plus, I've met many kind and thoughtful people on my journey, who support me in this new direction.

LJ

[motleymoo]

I hope these words help you man, and you understand that maybe you got out just at the right time... .I understand it's hard to lose that shot of intense pleasure that they give you, but just like a drug it's an unhealthy pleasure that will ultimately either kill you, or see you in jail.

They do help, thank you. It's interesting to see just how similar experiences are. Trying to frame it in a positive light, I ask myself if I'd do it again, and I think I would, because despite the pain, the reflection/introspection I've found myself doing has left me with a far better understanding of my own insecurities/dependent behaviour/wants/needs than I had before. Without the lessons learnt from dealing with the fallout, I wouldn't know what I know now. Perhaps there is a silver lining