Hello. I am new to this site.

[mantamoo]

Hello,

     I am 34 years old, wife, mother of 3 kids and one on the way, and my mom was recently diagnosed with mild BPD (her words) and bipolar disorder. She had been misdiagnosed for years, and hasn't had any sort of therapy beyond depression meds in years.

   My mom has always tried to pin my sister and I against each other. My sister had always been the "bad" one and I have always been the "good"one. So good in fact, that she thinks that I can't think for myself, and that I am easily influenced by people, mostly my sister.

   A few weeks ago, my sister and I finally had enough. My mom has had a drinking problem in the past, and she decided to drink and get totally drunk in front of my niece and nephew. She ended up hitting a parked car before my brother in law pretty much told her he was taking her home (up until this point she was being belligerent and refusing). When my sister confronted my mom, my mom at first sounded understanding and apologetic. My sister said she needed space, and my mom during the next week, did not honor my sister's request and things got worse. My mom ended up blowing up at my sister and saying some really hurtful things. My sister is at this point not speaking to her.

   I am the one that gets put in the middle, and my mom's therapist. I told mom that I was no longer going to be put in the middle or be her therapist and I needed some space too. She has yet to honor my request also. Today, she left me a voicemail message (after calling my house, texting me, AND then calling) saying that this has gone on long enough and pretty much my sister is to blame and she knows I have a loyalty to my sister (mom was real nice in her message to me)... .She left my sister a voicemail and it was very mean and saying mean things again.

    I don't even want to talk to her at all at this point, and I feel bad about it. I'm keeping my distance and I don't even know if that's the right thing to do. At the same time, after reading about BPD, my eyes have also been opened. I realize that my sister and I have been pawns for my mom to get what she wants in her life and that's about it. It makes me incredibly sad, but I also just want to be free.

[christine8989]

Wow,  you and your sister already sound like strong people. I think you're both doing what's best at this point. I think I would stress that you and your sister need to be strong and bonded together. Don't let your Mom try and break that bond. She's already tried to do this by treating one of you as the "good" sister and the other as the "bad" sister.

You set strong clear boundaries and keep those up. Don't play into anything, don't call her back. If she calls and you answer and she starts to go off say "I'm going to stop you right there. You can't talk to me like that." and hang up.

Have you seen a therapist? If so talk with them about how to set boundaries. Also read "Walking on Egg Shells" Most everyone on this board would recommend the book. It will help you understand BPD better.

[mantamoo]

Thank you Christine. I don't feel very strong sometimes. I feel duped. I admit, my mom was able to make me think my sister was the one with the problems at points in our lives. Then, my sister and I would get together and compare notes, and I would see that it wasn't my sister with the problem. I hate that we even have to do all this. I'm 31 weeks pregnant, and I also have to think about the baby. Mom claims she understands, but then will go back to bashing my sister or talk about herself.  I've been so stressed, and I'm trying really hard not to be.

Yes, I am reading The Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: How to stop Walking on Egg Shells. I have the other one on hold at the library. I have not seen a therapist yet, but I am thinking it might be a good idea.

[christine8989]

I've always been a huge advocate for therapy. It's one of the best things to happen to me. Therapists give you tools to deal with these kinds of situations. They also give you a safe space to talk (they're also a neutral) party, which is always good to have.

If you're new to therapy I would say find the right one. Sometimes you start therapy and you and your therapist don't click. I was lucky to "click" with both of mine. I think everyone should go to therapy at some point in their lives. Also, it could help with your stress levels, which is key to a smooth pregnancy.

Look up the mental health services building in your county (if you have one) and talk to them about where you could go for services. Or ask a close friend if they have a therapist they could suggest.