BPDex returning personal items after breakup-NO Contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here is my experience. I was painted blacker then black after a nasty breakup. I realize now, that I was was devalued, and she most likely found a new source but she still kept on stringing me along for more punishment. She asked me not to speak to her. I told her I would like the same for her.

The night after, I was out with some friends, and she called me. I didn't answer. She immediately texted me, asking if I was busy. I also ignored her text. I arrived back at my apartment, to find a bag of my personal items that I had left at her place neatly tucked into a bag, at my door.

The bag contained clothing items, washed and nicely pleated. She went as far as returning a tooth brush she had given me, and lighters I had forgotten at her place.

After going through the bag, I feet sick. I didn't know if I should contact her to thank her for returning my stuff, or just continue to keep no contact. I immediately started ruminating about what that meant?

The pressure to break no contact is strong, and it bugs me that she is getting to me. Do I just return items she left at my place, at her door step, or do I just let it go, and keep no contact?

[Rayban]

Here is my experience. I was painted blacker then black after a nasty breakup. I realize now, that I was was devalued, and she most likely found a new source but she still kept on stringing me along for more punishment. She asked me not to speak to her. I told her I would like the same for her.

The night after, I was out with some friends, and she called me. I didn't answer. She immediately texted me, asking if I was busy. I also ignored her text. I arrived back at my apartment, to find a bag of my personal items that I had left at her place neatly tucked into a bag, at my door.

The bag contained clothing items, washed and nicely pleated. She went as far as returning a tooth brush she had given me, and lighters I had forgotten at her place.

After going through the bag, I feet sick. I didn't know if I should contact her to thank her for returning my stuff, or just continue to keep no contact. I immediately started ruminating about what that meant?

The pressure to break no contact is strong, and it bugs me that she is getting to me. Do I just return items she left at my place, at her door step, or do I just let it go, and keep no contact?

[C.Stein]

Do what feels right to you, what maintains you own personal character but also protects your healing.   You can return her items and still maintain NC, and perhaps this is what you need to take the next step in your healing process.

[troisette]

Hi Rayban

I went nc last September after returning all my ex's belongings to him. I delivered them to his door and quickly left, avoiding conversation. I had realised that he'd probably left his things, one valuable, at my house to have an excuse to contact me at some point in the future. I hadn't seen him for six weeks at that point.

If you retain your ex's possessions she will have reason to contact you. If you dispose of them she'll have reason to complain. If you decide to return them I suggest you do it with as little contact as possible.

In December I received a formal Christmas card, a friendly but slightly formal note and a pendant of mine that I thought lost at his house. They were delivered without a knock at the door. I was at home.

I was confused about what was going on. Was he just being polite, friendly but formal? Well mannered in returning the pendant? I was certain I'd left it on the mantelshelf, he said he'd found it under the mattress. Did he want to return it but not see me?

Like you, I didn't know what to do and consulted on these boards. My instinctual response was to send a brief email thanking him for the return of the pendant, it felt ill-mannered not to do so. I think I was probably naive, it was early days for me.

The majority of responses told me not to contact him. That it was a subtle and covert way to instigate contact. He knows I value good manners and thanks would have been an appropriate response for me. A couple of comments said it could  be just what it was at face value. Most said not and suggested that the mention of finding it under the mattress was a sexual connotation.

Have to be totally honest, there was a bit of me that longed to take up this opportunity to contact him. Emotion over intellect.

I'll never know his motives because after reading the responses from more experienced people here, I thought about it and decided not to express my thanks. I've never regretted it.

Some of this might chime with you. Not all BPDs act in an overt manner, there are variants. My ex is subtle, acts in, not out.

I saw him for the first time in six months, about six weeks ago. He called out to me. I was boundaried, a pleasant, guarded on my part, ten minute conversation, no body contact. I raised my hand in salute to say goodbye, he brushed his palm against mine, it felt like an intimate gesture.

Someone who has no experience of BPD might think we overreact. Maybe this could be construed as such with a healthy person. Not so with someone with BPD.

Take care.  

[sweet tooth]

My BPD told me not to contact her again. She still has a book of mine. I wish I knew how to help you.

If you seriously never want to see her again I would just drop her stuff off at the door.