The re-bound

[Depression = 72% of members]

This post has been coming for months and months!

I thought spending a year alone after the breakup of my marriage (now 2 years ago! What the heck, seems like a lot less) would have been enough but I got into a new relationship almost exactly one year ago. The woman in question is not my typical type at all, I didn't find her sexually attractive but she was so nice (to me!) and I was so in need of love and kindness at that point I decided to "give it a go". All my friends and family were encouraging as they'd seen me with this BPD ex-wife - this new woman did the normal and nice things, she seemed to care for me physically.

Giving it a go was a mistake, I knew I didn't find this girl attractive plus there was other red flags, she has some incredible views about race that made me feel very uneasy, she was quick to anger with others, she could be too rough with my dog, I just didn't have that much respect for her but the truth is, I really loved the affection and I guess I just didn't want to be alone anymore.

This relationship covered up the pain from my failed marriage, gave me something else to concentrate on. Of course, I sound like a Class A g*t right now and I have been stringing this woman along, I knew I wasn't attracted but I thought her being "nice" and treating me well, perhaps I would grow in my attraction and it was so nice to be treated well and looked on kindly which was absent from my marriage. Part of me didn't want to fall madly in love in any case, look how it turned out last time. Clearly I was a long way from healed and by being in this for a year, I've cost myself more healing time and hurt someone else into the bargain.

I did so much work on myself in that one year but I didn't realise I was falling into this trap, I thought I was ready for something new, but I wasn't and I was rebounding. I strongly believe people come into each others lives for a reason, she herself was getting over a recent abusive ex, and while I wasnt ever capable of giving her the love she wants in the future I think I have helped her on her way with other things, not that she'll see that right now!

So what now? Where do I pick up on my healing? How do I cope with being alone again? I will miss this woman, miss having her around, miss the company and I'll be upset at the loss of her. Should I now grieve this loss as its own loss? Should I look further back and continue trying to heal from the BPD relationship. Should I just put myself off the market and wait until I am somehow  free and how the heck will I know!

How did you know you were ready to move onto a healthy relationship with mutual attraction? Did you make this rebound mistake?

[Trog]

This post has been coming for months and months!

I thought spending a year alone after the breakup of my marriage (now 2 years ago! What the heck, seems like a lot less) would have been enough but I got into a new relationship almost exactly one year ago. The woman in question is not my typical type at all, I didn't find her sexually attractive but she was so nice (to me!) and I was so in need of love and kindness at that point I decided to "give it a go". All my friends and family were encouraging as they'd seen me with this BPD ex-wife - this new woman did the normal and nice things, she seemed to care for me physically.

Giving it a go was a mistake, I knew I didn't find this girl attractive plus there was other red flags, she has some incredible views about race that made me feel very uneasy, she was quick to anger with others, she could be too rough with my dog, I just didn't have that much respect for her but the truth is, I really loved the affection and I guess I just didn't want to be alone anymore.

This relationship covered up the pain from my failed marriage, gave me something else to concentrate on. Of course, I sound like a Class A g*t right now and I have been stringing this woman along, I knew I wasn't attracted but I thought her being "nice" and treating me well, perhaps I would grow in my attraction and it was so nice to be treated well and looked on kindly which was absent from my marriage. Part of me didn't want to fall madly in love in any case, look how it turned out last time. Clearly I was a long way from healed and by being in this for a year, I've cost myself more healing time and hurt someone else into the bargain.

I did so much work on myself in that one year but I didn't realise I was falling into this trap, I thought I was ready for something new, but I wasn't and I was rebounding. I strongly believe people come into each others lives for a reason, she herself was getting over a recent abusive ex, and while I wasnt ever capable of giving her the love she wants in the future I think I have helped her on her way with other things, not that she'll see that right now!

So what now? Where do I pick up on my healing? How do I cope with being alone again? I will miss this woman, miss having her around, miss the company and I'll be upset at the loss of her. Should I now grieve this loss as its own loss? Should I look further back and continue trying to heal from the BPD relationship. Should I just put myself off the market and wait until I am somehow  free and how the heck will I know!

How did you know you were ready to move onto a healthy relationship with mutual attraction? Did you make this rebound mistake?

[joeramabeme]

How did you know you were ready to move onto a healthy relationship with mutual attraction? Did you make this rebound mistake?

Hey Trog, I am in similar- but not same - situation.  Been dating someone for 8 months and I like her a lot but wonder if I am rebounding as I am still recovering from all the pain that was left behind. 

The only pearl I have to offer is that you are never really "ready", because things are never just as they should be.  I would say that you are as ready as your heart is able to give and receive love.   Sounds to me like you got the receive part but are not at the give part completely.  So if you are ready, it sounds like this is not the one.  As for the residual pain; breakups of any kind are going to feel like the last experience so ask yourself is there anything else that needs to be processed from you exBPD?

JRB

[Grey Kitty]

Trog, I'd like to challenge an assumption of yours--that only a long-term relationship, one that lasts the rest of your life is a successful one, and anything else is a failure.

... .the truth is, I really loved the affection and I guess I just didn't want to be alone anymore.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that motivation to be in a relationship.

Did you mess up some other things in this rebound relationship? Yes, and you already identified many of them. Go ahead and learn from your mistakes, and try to do better next time when you are ready to date and look for a relationship.

Short-term relationships can be good, healthy, fun, and end when they are supposed to end. Especially if both partners are honest about the lack of a long-term future in the works.

In this case, you weren't ready for a stable LTR. Neither was she ready for a stable LTR, from what you say of her. Neither of you were very self-aware about it, and neither of you were able to be honest with the other about what you didn't realize.



That's all interesting stuff to think about, but doesn't answer your big question: What now?

Suggestion #1: You don't sound ready for a LTR today. Don't chase one actively right now. If you aren't comfortable looking for a STR, casual dating, or something of the sort, taking time out may be your best choice.

Suggestion #2: Build the non-romantic part of your life into something that is rewarding and wonderful while you wait on the romantic part. Do you like your job, your home, your friends, hobbies or other activities, etc?

Q1: Do you see parallels between the problems in your long marriage and the problems in your last r/s? Or aspects where your exgf is like your exwife?

Q2: Did you fall into unhealthy patterns again, and if so, did they predate your marriage?

[gotbushels]

Hi Trog   

I appreciated reading your post.

I particularly appreciate your honesty here:

This relationship covered up the pain from my failed marriage, gave me something else to concentrate on. Of course, I sound like a Class A g*t right now and I have been stringing this woman along, I knew I wasn't attracted but I thought her being "nice" and treating me well, perhaps I would grow in my attraction and it was so nice to be treated well and looked on kindly which was absent from my marriage. Part of me didn't want to fall madly in love in any case, look how it turned out last time. Clearly I was a long way from healed and by being in this for a year, I've cost myself more healing time and hurt someone else into the bargain.

Your post then brought this to mind:

If you are still suffering from UNHEALED trauma, your ability to have a healthy or normal relationship is pretty limited.

While your experience is different to the "trauma" that GK is discussing regarding HurtinNW's "trauma" in that post, he provides some good direction to answer your questions regarding "so what now?"

And so I've discovered from scrolling down that GK has himself also posted some recommendations . He's got some wonderful suggestions and I look forward to hearing where this story takes you if you decide to follow them.

Good luck!:)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Trog, Don't beat yourself up!  I don't see a problem with "testing the waters" after the end of your marriage.  Turns out she wasn't the right one for you.  That's OK.  As GK suggests, what can you learn from this experience?  I wouldn't necessarily call this a rebound mistake.  It's more like a rebound detour.  Now you're back on your path.  If I can make a suggestion, it would be to strive for authenticity.  Figure out what you really like.  You knew going into it that there was something about this woman that didn't totally turn you on, which is OK.  You found out that your attraction to her didn't grow as time went on.  That's OK, too.  Next time, maybe you will bail out sooner.  Next time, listen to your gut feelings and try to let things unfold naturally.  Take your time.  It's not a race and there's no schedule for when you will feel ready again.  When the time comes, I think you'll know it.

LuckyJim